1. The Beard
Captain’s log, stardate… whatever…
Mr Spock has been promoted to captain and given command of his own ship, the USS Montalban. While I miss my long-time first officer and… dare I say it… best friend, I have been assigned a new first officer who is proving to be a distinct contrast to Spock. His name is William Riker, he has an excellent record, and I see no reason why we should not become firm friends in next to no time.
Supplemental…
I have to report the death of Commander Riker. It seems an evil doppelganger of him from a parallel universe came aboard the Enterprise, then killed and replaced him with a view to taking over the ship. He was only identified by the fact that the real Riker, our Riker, didn’t have a beard.
While a sad loss to Starfleet, on a more personal level I find the loss of Riker has been lessened by the good news that Mr Spock will be returning as first officer of the Enterprise. It turns out that the promotion was intended for another Spock, and there was a bureaucratic error due to the fact that Vulcans only have one name.
2. Positive Thinking
Captain’s log, stardate… umm…
A new posting to the Enterprise has caused quite a stir among the officers: Mr Data, the first sentient android to graduate from Starfleet Academy. Mr Data looks like this:
Supplemental…
Uh, where was I? Ah yes, sorry, I was interrupted in making my log entry because I had to go and do… important captaining duties.
Efficiency levels aboard the Enterprise were dropping significantly, with even the usually reliable Mr Spock affected, and we could not determine the cause despite my assigning Mr Data to the task of thoroughly investigating everyone affected. Fortunately Lt Sulu was somehow immune, and after he recommended Mr Data wear a standard-issue uniform - a course of action that Mr Spock endorsed as logical, though I could see it visibly pained him to do so - we saw efficiency levels return to normal.
3. Sons and Doctors
Captain’s log, stardate… yaddayadda…
Dr McCoy has resigned from Starfleet after a disagreement with me over transporter health & safety regulations became a full-blown argument. I have been assigned a new medical officer, Dr Jean Elcoun, with whom I once had a relationship. She has brought her son Gene with her to the Enterprise, and I have a slightly worrying suspicion that I am the boy’s father…
Supplemental…
Let the record show that today Dr Jean Elcoun and her son Gene were killed in a horrific transporter accident. I hold myself responsible and am tormented with guild and wracked with grief. I am a shadow of my former self and the only reason I am still captain of the Enterprise is that I have no medical officer to officially relieve me of my post.
Captain’s log, supplemental. Stardate: one week later
I’m fine now. Bones is back on the Enterprise, reinstated as medical officer. It seems he used his time on Earth to read the series bible and discovered he has plot immunity.
4. Do Or Do Not
Captain’s log, stardate… today…
I have been enjoying daily sessions with the newly posted ship’s counsellor, a half-Betazoid named Deanna Troi. As well as having impressive empathic abilities - she is able to tell me what emotions the aliens we encounter are feeling when they beg for our help or threaten our imminent destruction - Deanna is also a beautiful woman.
I hope we will get to know each other even better when her chair is installed on the bridge in accordance with new Starfleet regulations, though Scotty continues to insist that the Enterprise’s bridge is just not big enough to accommodate another chair, and that he can’t change the laws of physics no matter what the regulations say. I may be forced to take matters into my own hands to resolve this situation…
Supplemental…
It seems that the Enterprise has been made an exception to the regulations insisting the ship’s counsellor be given a seat on the bridge. Now all I have to worry about is my upcoming sexual harassment lawsuit…
5. Red Shirt of Honour
Captain’s log, stardate… about dinner-time…
The latest posting to the Enterprise is the first Klingon in Starfleet, Worf son of Mogh. I have assigned him to a security detail and this has led to accusations of me putting him in a position where he is more likely to be killed, implying that I am racist against the Klingons!
Supplemental…
After consulting with Mr Spock it seems I have two main lines of defence to the accusation of being biased against my new Klingon officer. These are:
1. His first words to me were “Good morning Captain. I think that today is a good day to die.” Should I therefore have assigned him to a science detail?
2. Some of my best friends wear red shirts. Scotty, for example.
I have spoken with Worf a few times now, and he does not seem to regard his posting as an issue. I have, however, noticed that he is obsessed with his ‘honour’ and the correct ways of behaving according to a strict moral code, which makes him unlike any Klingon I have ever known!
6. The Token
Captain’s log, stardate… computer, put the stardate in here…
At today’s staff meeting Chief Engineer Scott made his displeasure known, in no uncertain terms, regarding the latest crewmember assigned to Engineering. He is convinced that Lt LaForge’s posting is an example of tokenism and “political correctness gone mad.” To best counter Scotty’s highly emotional state I let Mr Spock handle the situation. Spock pointed to LaForge’s impeccable record and qualifications making him eminently suitable to an engineering position. We left matters with Scotty agreeing to give LaForge a chance, and if he had further concerns to bring them up at future meetings. That reminds me, I must ask Dr McCoy if he thinks Scotty may have a drink problem…
Supplemental…
I am pleased to report that, after their initial disagreements, Chief Engineer Scott and Lt LaForge are now working well together, and to see them in engineering you would think they had been friends for years.
What, did you think I was going to make fun of the blind black guy? I’m Captain Kirk!
7. Worth Ten Points in Scrabble
Captain’s log, stardate… yawn…
We have encountered a godlike entity who wants to put the crew of the Enterprise on trial for the crimes of humanity. I told him to get in the queue.
8. Simply the Best
Captain’s log, stardate… blah, blah…
The Enterprise was confronted with a hostile alien race with technology far in advance of ours and the intention of assimilating us. I was captured and taken aboard their vessel where I met their Queen. Resistance was useless.
9. Klingon Soap Opera
Captain’s log, stardate… stardates are for losers…
The Klingons are on the verge of civil war, and rather than stay out of things and let them fight it out, I have been sent as a neutral “Arbiter of Succession” to see if this internal matter can be resolved with a minimum of bloodshed (knowing the Klingons, probably not). The heart of the matter is that there are two candidates for the position of General Secretary - one is Duras, a typically treacherous type, and the other is Gowron, a forward-thinking Klingon with a code of honour similar to our own Mr Worf’s.
Supplemental…
Well, it was an easy decision, but obviously Duras didn’t take losing lying down. I was forced to fight in ritual combat against him, in which he made the mistake of wielding a ridiculously impractical weapon and I just used my fists.
10. Yesterday’s Leslie
Captain’s log, stardate… like it matters…
The Romulans have returned with a new weapon: continuity! Their over-complicated plan involved time-travel and the half-Romulan son of Lt Leslie, a former Enterprise bridge officer and friend of mine who was killed on the planet Argus X as a result of my actions.
While this may have had the intended effect on some starship captains, I’m Captain Kirk! If I so much as burn my toast in the morning I travel back in time to put right what once went wrong; this was no difficulty for me at all. Bones and I just made sure that Leslie didn’t die on Argus X after all, and then his son had no reason for a vendetta against me.
And after that there was still time for a scene on the bridge where we all laughed at the fact that Mr Chekhov hasn’t had many lines lately.
No comments:
Post a Comment