Two years had passed since You Only Live Twice marked the peak of Bondmania and the spy craze of the 1960s. Since then the genre had been deconstructed by The Prisoner and sent up by any number of films and TV series. But the biggest blow to the Bond series was that Sean Connery had left them behind - James Bond was without a James Bond. So for the first time the makers of the series were forced to do what would become par for the course whenever a James Bond actor left - recast the part and reboot the series.
This wasn't to be a full-on reboot in the same way as 2006's Casino Royale was, but You Only Live Twice had taken the film series the furthest it had ever been from the Bond novels, so this was a return to making a (relatively) faithful adaptation of the book of On Her Majesty's Secret Service. What could possibly go wrong with that?
The film starts with an establishing shot of "Universal Exports (London) Ltd" (thanks convenient establishing sign), world famous as the secret headquarters of MI7, where M is wondering where Bond is. This isn't a hugely important scene, but just look at how classy that opening shot is, with the Houses of Parliament appearing reflected in the sign - it's a sign (so to speak) of things to come.
James Bond, played just this once by George Lazybee, is driving his car about somewhere on location. He saves Tracy (Diana Rigg, because why bother hosting auditions for your lead actress when you can just pinch one from The Avengers whenever you like?) from getting wet, then introduces himself.
"My name is Bond. James Bond."
This is so that we know it is him, seeing as this is the first time Bond, James Bond is not being played by Sean Connery. He then immediately gets into a fight with two henchmannys, which does seem like the sort of thing James Bond would do, so we're convinced.
After the fight Tracy drives away, leaving Bond to quip
"This never happened to the other fella."
Obviously the "other fella" he means is Sean Connery, lol. Amazingly this fourth-wall-breaking line manages to convince us that this is the same character despite seemingly saying the opposite.
Bond then runs off into the title sequence, which is accompanied by a brilliant tune that sets the tone purrfectly.
After the titles Bond goes to a hotel and casino where he meets Tracy again, finding out she is called Contessa Teresa Di Vincenzo. Bond goes to Tracy's room where, instead of the naughtiness he was expecting, he only finds another fight with a henchmanny.
Bond goes to his own room, which is where Tracy is, but now he doesn't want naughtiness because Tracy won't tell him why henchmannys keep attacking him. He soon changes his mind though, naughty Bond. And, as it turns out, naughty Tracy.
The next morning Bond finds Tracy has left, then he gets captured by two more henchmannys, along with the henchmanny from the last fight, so they are obviously all W-wording for the same manny... or cat? Or maybe even a dragon, since they are taking Bond to meet somebody called "Draco." Bond decides to have a fight with all three henchmannys and escapes from them straight to where Draco is waiting for him.
Draco isn't a dragon though. Or a cat. He offers Bond a martini
"Shaken, not stirred."
Draco is "head of one of the biggest crime syndicates in Europe," with Bond saying only SECTRE is bigger. He is also Tracy's father. He wants Bond to help Tracy. Bond says
"She needs a psychiatrist, not me."
Draco replies
"What she needs is a man to dominate her."
which is... er, old fashioned (to say the least), even by the standards of 1969. Draco offers Bond one million dollars pounds to marry Tracy, which Bond rejects with the line
"But I don't need a million pounds.""Stupido."
Instead he wants Draco to tell him where he can find Blofeld. At least Bond wants to get on with the plot, even if the film is in no hurry to.
The scene changes to London, where Bond enters the office to meet Miss Moneypenny, even throwing his hat onto the hatstand just like the real James Bond used to. M takes Bond off the Blofeld case, saying it has been two years since the last film and now he needs bond to do some other missions. Bond tells Miss Moneypenny he's going to resign and dictates his letter of resignation to her and asks her to "present it to that monument in there," which I think is supposed to be a cutting insult towards M, except that it doesn't make sense.
Bond then goes into a room where he reminisces about Sean Connery's his previous missions while snatches of their theme tunes play in case we in the audience miss the point of this bit, although that would be pretty difficult since this scene is about as subtle as a Roger Moore-era innuendo. Miss Moneypenny arranges for Bond to get a holiday instead of resigned, leading to both Bond and M to ask her
"What would I do without you?"
Bond meets Tracy and Draco at Draco's birthday party, where there is a bullfight going on because (as Bond seems to have forgotten) Draco is a baddy. The bull chases and scares some mannys, lol. Tracy deduces that Bond and Draco have done a deal, which she interferes with by forcing Draco to tell Bond where Blofeld is "without obligation." All Draco knows is that Blofeld has a lawyer called Gumbold who lives and W-words in Switzerland.
If this were any other Bond film, this scene would be followed by Bond going straight to Switzerland to follow up on this clue. But this isn't any other Bond film, so instead there is a montage of Bond and Tracy doing various things together, including petting a cat!
It isn't a white cat, though, so that we don't mistaik it for Number One. The montage shows us Bond and Tracy are falling in love with each other. Finally Draco and Tracy drive Bond to the building where Gumbold's office is so that Bond can at last get on with the story.
Gumbold is played by James "what a stupid fool you are" Bree, and Bond sneaks in while he is away having noms. Bond has help from Campbell, who is played by Bernard Horsfall - did the makers of this film just round up actors from The War Games to be in this bit? (They must have been made around the same time so it's a possibility.) Campbell delivers Bond a machine to crack Gumbold's safe. Bond reads a naughty mazagine while he waits for the machine to get him the combination, because he's a naughty Bond.
The machine doesn't just crack safes - it also doubles as a photocopier, which makes a piece of highly advanced technology for the time, as sci-fi as anything we saw in You Only Live Twice. Bond doesn't even need to put in 5p for each copy he wants. Bond copies Gumbold's documents until we see Gumbold is on his way back to his office. The music helps this scene to remain tense, because without it it is just a scene of Bond doing some photocopying while another manny noms his lunch. Bond sends the machine back to Campbell and sneaks out just before Gumbold gets back, making sure to take the naughty mazagine with him. He's incorrigible!
The next scene sees Bond visit M at his house - an unusual, even unprecedented occurrence. Perhaps even more unusual is what follows, as instead of M giving Bond exposition about his mission, Bond gives M the exposition about what he found out from Gumbold's papers:
"This is a photostat copy of a letter addressed to our College of Arms in the City of London, with the request that they undertake to establish de Bleuchamp's claim to the title, and Sir Hilary Bray - he's the Sable Basilisk of the college - has replied to Gumbold suggesting that he should meet de Bleuchamp in person. Now, I've already taken the liberty, sir, of working with the college on this, using an examination of my own family tree as cover. I've also been reading up on the technical side of heraldry, so that should he should consent to a meeting, I can act as a representative of the college."
Sir Hilary Bray is played by George "Tiberius" Baker, when he's not being the new Number Two in the Village. Bond and Bray look at Bond's coat of arms.
"Good motto, eh? The world is not enough."
Cla... no, wait, wrong Bond film.
We next see Bond back in Switzerland. Bond is in disguise as Bray, which mainly means wearing glasses (well, if it's good enough for Supermanny...) and getting his dialogue dubbed by George Baker. He meets Irma Bunt, Blofeld's "personal secretary" and gets taken up a mountain to Blofeld's lair, which is on, rather than in, the mountain this time.
While Bond is being taken to his room, Bunt telephones Blofeld and we get out first sight of him in this film, 52 minutes in. For now it is only a glimpse, like in his early film appearances when we never got to see his face. Of course SECTRE Number One is there too, which is how we know this must really be him.
Bond isn't taken to see Blofeld straight away. First he has to have noms with Bunt and a bevy of ladies who are also staying there, one of whom is Sapphire from Sapphire & Steel, in this film's unexpected crossover moment. She asks
"Are you here for Christmas, Sir Hilary?"
which is out first indication that this is the James Bond Christmas Special... that is if you don't count all the snow, which we probably shouldn't since this is set in the Swiss Alps where snow is for life, not just for Christmas.
The ladies can't wait to get up to naughtiness with Bond, and he slips them a few innuendos about his balls while pretending to tell them all about the College of Arms. An even bigger innuendo comes when Ruby writes her room number on Bond's leg under the table. Bond makes a face, and Bunt asks him if anything is the matter. His response:
"Just a slight stiffness coming on."
Bond is taken to see Blofeld in his laboratory. Blofeld, played by Telly "Lord Bostwick" Savalas, introduces himself as
"Balthazar, Count de Bleuchamp."
and, curiously, neither of them seem to recognise each other, despite neither of them being in disguise (unless Bond changing his voice is somehow enough to change his face as well). Bond has even come here specifically expecting to see Blofeld, which makes this even stranger. Of course both of them have changed actors since the last time they met, that must explain why they don't know each other straight away. Also there is no sign of Number One in this scene, which must have put some doubt into Bond's mind, mew.
Later on, Bond escapes from his room so that he can get up to naughtiness with Ruby. While they are having kiffs a noise starts up and lights comes on and then Blofeld's voice starts to hypno-eyes Ruby. Bond leaves her to it and returns to his room, where he finds another one of the ladies waiting for him. Lazy old Bond uses some of the exact same lines on her as he just used on Ruby, but it doesn't matter because she's as desperate for some naughtiness as he is.
Bond's friend Campbell is trying to follow Bond to the top of the mountain, but henchmannys get in his way and shout at him
"From here upwards now is forbidden! Private! Closed!"
Climbing the mountain anyway, Campbell gets shot at and captured by the henchmannys.
That night Bond, expecting more naughtiness with Ruby, is surprised to find Bunt in her bed instead. He has just enough time to try one desperate bluff...
"Fancy meeting you here Fraulein..."
before a henchmanny comes over and knocks him unconscious.
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