Mission: Impossible - The Brexit, part two

"Let's see, who do I want to use for this mission? Well, Juncker looks like Rollin Hand in a moustache and grey wig, so he's a given. That puts us somewhere in season 2 or 3, so the rest of the team must consist of Willy Armitage, Barney Collier and Cinnamon Carter."

"So what's the plan, Jim?"

"Well Rollin, the English hate voting, so if we're to make sure this referendum succeeds then we have to make them hate the European Union even more, in order to shake them from their usual apathy and get a high turnout on polling day. And the best way to do that is for you to disguise yourself as Juncker and make public speeches to show how undemocratic the European Union really is."

"But Jim, won't the real Juncker be suspicious if we do that?"

"No, Cinnamon, because the beauty of this plan is that we can use his own words against him. Rollin..."

"We decide on something, leave it lying around and wait and see what happens. If no one kicks up a fuss, because most people don't understand what has been decided, we continue step by step until there is no turning back."

"Beautiful. What sort of opposition can we expect, Jim?"

"The public face of the 'Vote Leave' campaign is a man called Boris Johnson. But he's a Soviet sleeper agent who secretly wants the Leave campaign to fail, as that would put him one step closer to becoming Cameron's successor as Prime Minister."

"Can we take him out?"

"That's too risky for such a public figure, Willy. We'll have to work around him and trust that - like with Juncker - his own words and treacherous nature will condemn him."

"But Jim, what I don't understand is... didn't we use to be on good terms with the European Union?"

"That was in the good old days of the Cold War, Willy, when - despite its undemocratic nature - it was useful in helping to keep Western Europe united against Communist aggression. But now it threatens American trade agreements, and what is bad for US trade is bad for democracy."

"One last question, Jim - what role do I have in this plan?"

"Sorry Barney, but we're going to have to work with some pretty unpleasant characters on this one - xenophobes, racists, and lefties. As a black electronics expert, you wouldn't last five minutes without being accused of taking their job, attacked, or patronised (respectively). So you'll have to sit this one out. We tried to get someone local to stand in for you, but curiously everyone we spoke to with your level of qualifications and expertise supported the other side."

Mission: Impossible - The Brexit

Good morning Mr Phelps.

The man you're looking at is David Cameron, Prime Minister of one of our key Western European allies. We have learned that, to weaken the position of extremists within his own political Party, Cameron has promised a national referendum on his country's continuing membership of the anti-democratic European Union, led by this man...

President Jean-Claude Juncker. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, would be to get Cameron to sever ties with the European Union and restore the international balance of power in our favor.
As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
This tape will self destruct in five seconds.
Good luck Jim.

Is Boris Johnsons a Soviet sleeper agent?

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, lies, and lies."

Considering the Soviet Union were able to penetrate their agents to the upper echelons of the British Secret Service - the very mannys who were supposed to catch enemy agents - then by comparison getting one elected as a Conservative MP couldn't be that hard. And very soon this manny might be Prime Minister.

You've got to respect his front though; hiding in plain sight using the name "Boris" the whole time.

Rumpole of the Village

Is Rumpole of the Bailey a sequel series to The Prisoner?

We never find out much about Number 6 in The Prisoner, but we never really find out much about any of the Number 2's either, not even the one who was in the most episodes, played by Leo McKern. What we do know is that [WARNING: spoilers for Fall Out follow] in the end he sides with Number 6, escapes the Village with him, and is last seen entering the Houses of Parliament in London.

Horace Rumpole was in the RAF Ground Staff during WW2, before returning to his work as a barrister after the war and made his name by winning the "Penge Bungalow Murders" case - alone and without a leader - in either the late '40s or* early '50s. He married Hilda Wystan around the same time and they had one child, Nick Rumpole.

After that we know next to nothing about Rumpole's life until the late 1960s, when the first episode of the series is set. This gap of almost 20 years matches with the setting of The Prisoner and therefore we can suppose it matches the time that McKern's Number 2 was involved in working in the espionage trade, eventually coming to his position in the Village and his fateful encounter with Number 6.

If we consider Rumpole's philosophy, expressed throughout the series, we can see signs of Number 6 having rubbed off on the former Number 2. His creed of "never plead guilty" matches the way Number 6 never gave up in the face of the seemingly unstoppable might of the Village's methods of oppression. And his knowledge of the Village's methods also explains why he would so often say "there is no piece of evidence more unreliable than a confession!"

I suppose we must also conclude that Guthrie Featherstone QC MP, or "A" as he was known in the Village, was also in the espionage business. As was Ken Aspen MP, who required Rumpole's services as a barrister to defend him. But then again, that former Number 2 would know as well as any that doppelgangers exist.

* A biography of Rumpole is on Wikipedia here but it is the first to admit that his age and important dates in his life were often retconned by the author to keep Rumpole at approximately 70 years old in the "present."

Eurovision 2016

The Eurovision Singing Competiton is the one night of the year when mannys try to be as fabulous as cats and to sing as well as cats do, but silly manny politics always gets in the way. Here are some thoughts on this year's contest...

Azerbaijan want to do the next James Bond film's theme song. Bulgaria want to be in the next Tron film.

France was more concerned with persuading British mannys to stay in the European Broadcasting Union, by singing their song partly in English, than in winning Eurovision.

Poland wanted to attract the USA to Eurovision by spelling "color" the American way.

I think the Australian entry's costume was borrowed from Servalan. Austria (not the same country; that's very confusing for a cat you know) sang the closing theme song to a Miyazaki film.

The UK's own entry was not nearly as good as last year's. Here it is for you to watch:

In fact none of the songs in the contest were really great when compared with previous years. We cynical old cats have a theory that these days the best songs get voted out during the semi-finals, such as a rude manny performing in the nude with cuddly doggys - that sounds like the best Eurovision entry evar!

In the final analysis the best song of the show by miles was done by Sweden but was not their entry into the Competition.



Love Love Peace Peace was a sketch and song from the interval, and is one of the best things Eurovision has ever done (something a cat does not say lightly). I never thought anyone would out-meta Lithuania's We Are The Winners song from 2006!

The voting was even more obviously political than usual - for starters someone in Blackpool who spoke French hacked the satellite to give France's votes (explaining why the UK got such few votes from France).

But most of the politics was around Russia and Ukraine. Russia are perennial Eurovision baddys, but this year they sent a good song - my favourite (proper) song this year - and a nice manny to sing it, not a baddy at all.

But Ukraine sent a manny to sing about how much of a baddy Stalin was, and I think if there is one thing that everyone in Eurovision can agree on then it is that Stalin was bad, so they won.

"I want my great-grandmother back you son of a bitch!"

That Talbot is but shadow of himself

The new series of The Hollow Crown has begun to be shown on BBC TV, starting with Henry VI Part 1.

That's the play that has Talbot "the terror of the French" in it, a manny so scary that when the Frenchmannys captured him:

"In iron walls they deem'd me not secure;
So great fear of my name 'mongst them was spread,
That they supposed I could rend bars of steel,
And spurn in pieces posts of adamant:
Wherefore a guard of chosen shot I had,
That walked about me every minute-while;
And if I did but stir out of my bed,
Ready they were to shoot me to the heart."

Even Scary Cat is impressed by that.

Sadly this was a very abridged* version of Henry VI Part 1, and of its 111 minute duration, less than an hour was spent on Henry VI Part 1, the rest was doing most of Henry VI Part 2 up to when York declares his intention to be king in Act 5 Scene 1.

This meant that there was very little of Talbot, even though they got in Philip Glenister to play him - not my first choice but easily in the top 3 - and so he only had a couple of scenes before going

All of the other casting was excellent as well, from Hugh Bonneville as Gloucester to Samuel West as Winchester, to Laura Frances-Morgan as Joan, to Anton Lesser as Exeter.

A lot was cut out of the plays to make this be more of a Shakespeare film, and some thing were changed around to make Somerset (Ben Miles) into more of a proper film baddy - not that he needed much help.

The next Hollow Crown is going to be even more confusing for us cats, as it will be called Henry VI Part 2 but it will really be mostly Henry VI Part 3. It may make for a better film since there are lots of battles that I expect mannys who like cinematic action will like.

* Considering the last time the BBC adapted Henry VI (in 1983), parts 1 and 2 ran to six-and-a-half hours between them. That should tell you how massively abridged this new one is, mew.

The Man in the Elegant Room

Terry Nation isn't just the creator of Blakes 7 and the Daleks, he is also a great writer of telefantasy detective episodes such as The Avengers, The Persuaders! and, in this case, Department S.

The Manny in the Elegant Room sees Jason King (the real one this time), Stewart Sullivan and Annabelle Hurst investigating a mysterious, fourth wall-breaking room. Of course we all know how good Terry Nation is at writing mysteries, and this one doesn't even have the same solution as Mission to Destiny does!

The main guest star of the week is Stratford Johns, who was in an episode of I Claudius. Unusually for Department S he doesn't turn out to be the main baddy, but his character does die in a manner remarkably similar to that of Gnaeus Calpurnius Piso - killed by his wife.

As though being written by Terry Nation and having Peter Wyngarde and Stratford Johns and Joel Fabiani (purr) weren't reason enough to give this 5 out of 5, the final scene where the set is disassembled around the three main cast members is outstanding and warrants it all by itself.