Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Trial of a Time Lord Part Two

CHAAAAADBON arrives and saves the Doctor on behalf of the robot, who wants to meet him. While Balazar gives the Doctor, and us, some exposition about "the Immortal" (as the underground mannys call the robot), watch out for CHAAAAADBON in the background doing some great waiting-for-my-next-cue acting.

Peri meets Queen Katryca, who says

"I shall provide some excellent husbands for you."

"Husbands? Plural?"

"Such women as we have must be shared. Think about it."

This confirms my theory that they still have fanfiction in the future. The naughty kind. And it also goes to show that you can take the manny out of Carry On but you can't take Carry On out of the manny. Peri is locked up with Glitz and Dibber, and Glitz immediately pervs on her:

"Ah, it seems we have a pretty visitor. I'm beginning to feel better already. Sabalom Glitz, my dear, and this youth with the vacuous expression and single track mind is Dibber."

This is only mild perving compared to what Peri was used to from viewers the previous season, which I suppose is progress of a sort.

Glitz's backup plan for if he cannot blow up the tall, thrusting totem pole-cum-light converter is to dig a deep hole down to the hidden, dark tunnels of the underground station. Sigmund Freud eat your mum heart out, lol. It's worth remembering when we see him in his subsequent appearances that this 'lovable rogue' Savlon Glitz was planning on gassing all of the mannys who live underground to death so that they couldn't W-word for the robot, an act which Peri says "would be mass murder."

CHAAAAADBON sends the Doctor in to meet the robot, whose name is Drathro, and his two henchmannys Tandrell and Humker. They are the two mannys who "passed the selection" to "find the two cleverest youths," which is writer Robert Holmes reusing an idea from all the way back in his very first Doctor Who story, The Krotons.

Back in the courtroom, the Doctor starts to call the Valeyard names - "the Boatyard" and "the Graveyard." The general level of humour in these scenes doesn't rise much above that, with one exchange being:

Doctor: "I protest!"

Inquisitor: "What now?"

Doctor: "Yes, now!"

Inquisitor: "I meant, what are you protesting about this time?"

Did Bob Holmes write this, or Bob Block? Don't get me wrong, it's not that these interrupting courtroom scenes are tedious and unnecessary, although there does appear to be a manny sat behind the Inquisitor who has brought a book along just in case.

The Doctor tricks Drathro, Tandrell and Humker into getting electriced (electricked? Please yourselves, mew) and then makes his escape. Drathro sends another robot to chase him. Meanwhile Glitz, Peri and Dibber also stage an escape and get chased by the primitive tribesmannys. They split up so that Dibber can blow up the light converter/totem pole.

CHAAAAADBON reveals to Balazar that, instead of being the Immortal's executioner, he has been helping mannys to escape from the underground to the surface whenever he was supposed to kill them. He now plans to send Balazar outside, and the Doctor too if they can find him before the robot does.

In theory this is a lovely little subplot that adds depth to the minor characters, but it isn't developed enough in the time, and the way it is directed is rather flat and unengaging - there is no subtlety at all to the way CHAAAAADBON says

"I have to be careful, I think Grell already suspects."

while we viewers can clearly see Grell watching them, in the centre of frame, barely concealed from them around a corner. I do, however, like the way that CHAAAAADBON covers his microphone with his paw whenever he is conspiring, lest the Immortal overhear.

They meet the Doctor while he is escaping and Balazar goes with him. This is supposed to be the first time that Balazar has ever been outside, and his line

"It's beautiful!"

manages to capture something of the existential horror of going outside* by referencing the climactic scene of the then recent film Raiders of the Lost Ark, but I think more could have been made of this moment in the paws of a more skilled director, or even just any director who gave a shit about what they were making.

The Doctor, Balazar, Peri, Glitz and Dibber all meet up outside of the entrance to the underground station (the Doctor doesn't even know who Glitz and Dibber are yet, but he can see they're with Peri so he accepts they must be friendly... what a mistaika to maika!) but they are chased inside by the pursuing tribesmannys. Inside, Drathro's robot is waiting for them, and they are trapped between the mannys and the robot. The Doctor says

"I really think this could be the end!"

Crash-zoom to face: cliffhanger!

Crash-zoom to face cliffhanger count: 2

* I went outside once. It was awful.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Trial of a Time Lord Part One

During season 23, Doctor Who was on trial. With enemies at the BBC out to get it, the series only narrowly avoided cancellation after the 22nd season and was put on an 18-month "hiatus" instead. The behind-the-scenes war between the Doctor Who production team - most notably the producer John Nathan-Turner and script editor Eric Saward - and the BBC management - especially head of series and serials Jonathan Powell and controller of BBC1 Michael "is a cunt" Grade - is told more fully in the documentary Trials and Tribulations (found on the Trial of a Time Lord DVD box set) and in two chapters of Richard Marson's book JN-T: The Life and Scandalous Times of John Nathan-Turner. It is such a fascinating and dramatic time that I hope one day to see it made into the subject of a TV dramatisation, along the lines of Mark Gatiss's An Adventure in Space and Time or RTD's Nolly.

The off-screen shananigans at the BBC would end up having a significant effect on the shape of the season and what was eventually shown on screen. One of the first outcomes was that JN-T and Saward threw away their original plans for season 23 and started all over again from scratch. Perhaps this is for the best, since the outlines for the stories intended for that first version of the season have leaked out over the subsequent years and none of them sound like they would have been good - with the possible exception of The Nightmare Fair, intended to be a rematch between the Doctor and the Celestial Toymaker. That might have been a good idea, we'll never know.

Saward's new plan was to have a single story across the entire season, in which the Doctor would be on trial. While a common suggestion is that this was inspired by the real-world situation he felt they were in, another possibility is that this was pitched to appeal to Jonathan Powell, who had previously been a producer of the long-running ITV courtroom drama series Crown Court. There's no solid evidence for this (none that would stand up in court, mew), but it is circumstantially backed up by the casting of Michael Jayston in a major role, who had played a barrister in several episodes of Crown Court as well as a leading role in the other series Powell was best known for producing, the BBC's Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

The Trial of a Time Lord stars Colin Baker as the Doctor, Nicola Bryant as Peri, and Bonnie Langford as Mel. It is 14 parts long, making it the longest TV story in all of Doctor Who, and since we all know longer is better, that means it is surely gong to be great! The first four parts were written by Robert Holmes, who along with Eric Saward had planned the overall Trial storyline.

Holmes first wrote for the series in the 1960s, but it was in the 1970s when he would come to be regarded as one of the greatest writers the show ever had, writing or script-editing many of the best stories of Jon Pertwee and Tom Baker's eras. He then wrote several scripts for Blakes 7, where he took the relationship between Avon and Vila to a level not reached by other writers of the series (not in that way, you naughty cats!) and returned to Doctor Who in the mid-1980s to write the superb Caves of Androzani and the appallingly rubbish The Two Doctors. The Trial of a Time Lord would be his last contribution to the series, since he then went

It starts with a fade from the title sequence to the best looking model shot Doctor Who ever achieved, of a space station hanging in space. The camera flies up to it and across its surface, like at the start of a Star Wars film or the end of an episode of Red Dwarf. At the same time ominous music plays, reminiscent of the music in the 1984 film of Dune, with added tolling of a bell. This was an era where the TARDIS cloister bell was still heard only infrequently, not like in the new series era when it sounds at the least provocation. The TARDIS flies into the space station through a beam of light, and the camera zooms into the light so that the screen turns white.

This is a genuinely impressive opening, and a creditable effort at getting the 14-part epic off to a suitably epic start. It also shows that the BBC could compete with the movie-quality SFX of the time if it was prepared to spend the money on it. Of course for the entire 14-part season to look as good as this it would have cost orders of magnitude more than the actual budget. The production team could not possibly satisfy their management's demands that they make something that looked like a big-budget Hollywood sci-fi film without being given anything approaching the resources that such films had access to. This one scene is perhaps their attempt to say: this is what it could be like.

Reality comes crashing back in the second scene - an overlit, obvious studio set that is supposed to be the interior of the space station we have just seen, despite a lack of any similarities in design to tie them together. The TARDIS materialises and the Doctor comes out, and makes his way to the next room where, thankfully, somebody has turned the lights down.

"At last, Doctor."

The first line of dialogue comes from the distinctive voice of Michael "Peter Guillam" Jayston as the Valeyard, sat for the present in the shadows. This can't last, and the lights come on when the Inquisitor (Lynda "more Oxo!" Bellingham) enters. When he tries to talk to her, she addresses the Doctor as "the accused" and the Valeyard says

"By order of the High Council, this is an impartial inquiry into the behaviour of the accused person, known as the Doctor, who is charged that he, on diverse occasions, has been guilty of conduct unbecoming a Time Lord."

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Impartial Inquiry Into The Behaviour of a Time Lord Part One

Doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it? Mew. But the Doctor is also charged with "transgressing the first law," so is this a trial, with charges and laws broken, or not? Courtroom dramas set in real-world courts are notorious for how often they dispense with the reality of the legal process for the sake of the drama, so this being a made-up alien legal system is a perfect opportunity for Holmes, as the writer, to invent one where the customs and procedures serve the story, and where the potential for dramatic revelations and reversals can be maximised. In doing so he would only be following in the footsteps of the great Terry Nation, who did this all the way back in The Way Back Sentence of Death. So perhaps there is a story reason why this is only an "inquiry," not a trial, despite what the on-screen title told us?

The Inquisitor and the Valeyard mention that "the Doctor has faced trial already for offences of this nature," which is a continuity reference to The War Games (and also to Scratchman because, although that wasn't written until many years after this story, it is set before it). This isn't dwelt upon, but it is a bit of a giveaway that this is a plot that has been used before in the series.

Another continuity reference, this time to The Five Doctors, comes when the Doctor claims that he is "Lord President of Gallifrey" and says

"You can't put me on trial."

He is told that he has no immunity because it's just been revoked he has been deposed and isn't president any more. I'm sure there's a parallel with recent real-world political events that I could draw here, but it would be too easy; like shooting fish on Fifth Avenue.

After the Doctor "refuses the services of a court defender" and elects to defend himself (he's obviously not watched enough Crown Court to know what a bad idea this is) the Valeyard, as the prosecution barrister, opens his case:

"I intend to adumbrate two typical instances from separate epistopic interfaces of the spectrum."

So, aside from telling us that the Valeyard is one of those characters who will never use a short word when a long one will do (which we long cats naturally approve of), it is also worth noting that, according to Wikipedia, the word "epistopic" was coined in 1993. Well, the Valeyard is a Time Lord, presumably, so he must have picked it up on a visit to the future.

He is going to show his evidence on a big TV screen hanging on the courtroom wall. This means that for much of this story we are going to be watching a TV show playing within the TV show.

The Doctor and Peri are wandering around on location. The Doctor thinks this planet, Ravolox, is very similar to the Earth, while Peri complains about the Earth-like weather. They are observed by Sabolom Glitz (Tony Selby), in his first appearance in Doctor Who - we will meet him again in Dragonfire - and his friend Dibber. Robert Holmes has written some wonderful double-acts in his time, such as Jago & Litefoot, Irongron & Linx, and, of course, Avon & Vila. Glitz & Dibber are not one of them. They are an example of Holmes trying way too hard to recapture the glory days of the 1970s, with the circumloquacious Glitz paired with the much more straightforward Dibber coming across as a bargain basement Garron & Unstoffe.

"Whereas yours is a simple case of sociopathy, Dibber, my malaise is much more complex. 'A deep-rooted maladjustment,' my psychiatrist said, 'brought on by an infantile inability to come to terms with the more pertinent, concrete aspects of life.'"

"That sounds more like an insult than a diagnosis, Mr Glitz."

"You're right there, my lad. Mind you, I had just attempted to kill him."

The Doctor and Peri go inside an ancient building. There's a fan-baiting moment when the Doctor almost says his name, but he is interrupted by Peri before he can finish his sentence:

"You know, I'm glad I decided to come here. I might stay here for a year or so and write a thesis. Ancient Life on Ravolox by Doctor..."

Are we quite sure Steven Moffat didn't write this? Or if he watched this as a young manny, then that line could have a lot to answer for, mew.

Peri has found the remains of a sign that says "MARBLE ARCH" on it.

Peri: "Doctor, we're on Earth aren't we? I said it felt like Earth."

Doctor: "It's in the wrong part of space for it to be your planet. Besides, according to all the record books, this is... Ravolox."

Peri: "Well then, how do you explain this?"

Doctor: "I can't. Not yet. Unless of course, perhaps they collected railway stations."

Peri: "That's ridiculous."

Doctor: "But not impossible though. Not as impossible as the other explanation."

Peri: "What's that?"

Doctor: "Well, that somehow or other your planet and its entire constellation managed to shift itself a couple of light years across space, after which, for some reason, it became known as 'Ravolox.'"

The Doctor must surely be drastically understating the true distances involved when he says "a couple of light years" because if that was literally how far the Earth was moved then it would still be readily identifiable as the solar system, what with two light years being scarcely halfway to the nearest other star. On the other paw, this would hardly be the first time a Doctor Who writer got astronomical scales wrong or misused astronomical terminology - what does the Doctor mean by the Earth's "entire constellation" anyway?

The story-within-the-story is interrupted by the Doctor in the courtroom asking where Peri is, to which the Valeyard replies

"You don't remember? Obviously a side effect of being taken out of time. The amnesia should soon pass."

The Doctor suffering from laser-guided amnesia is one of the most frustrating parts of the Trial story, which I shall return to when it becomes more relevant in future episodes. If I remember to. For now I shall pass over it in much the way that it is passed over on screen, with the story in a hurry to return to the Ravolox plot.

The Doctor goes deeper into the building through a "hermetically sealed" door, leaving Peri behind where she is immediately captured by some mannys. The Doctor wanders around a cleaner, more futuristic-looking studio set until he also gets captured by a different set of mannys.

A robot talks to Tom CHAAAAADBON over a futuristic video call. Jokes about how they must be in lockdown and using Zoom would have W-worded better if I had reviewed this back in 2020 instead of season seven, so I won't bother doing them now.

Meanwhile, Glitz and Dibber have been off in their own subplot meeting with the primitive local inhabitants of Ravolox, led by Queen Katryca (played by Joan "Carry On" Sims). They want to blow up the "light converter" that sits in the locals' village and supplies the robot with energy. But the locals think it is "a totem pole" to their god so they don't want it to be blown up. This disagreement results in Glitz and Dibber getting captured as well.

The Doctor is chained up and about to be stoned to death, so that means it is time for some komedy (the incidental music clues us in that this bit is supposed to be funny). He speaks to "Balazar, the reader of the books." The mannys stuck in this underground place have only three books "from the world before the fire." The books are "Mo By Dick by Herman Melville," "The Water Babies by Charles Kingsley" and "most mysterious of all the sacred texts, UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose by H M Stationery Office." That doesn't sound much fun, and it is not made clear if any of their Blakes 7 DVDs survived the fire so it could be even worse. But at least they must still have internets, or else how could CHAAAAADBON have made his Zoom call with the robot? It is reassuring to know that all the Blakes 7 fanfiction will survive into the far future, even if the original programme does not.

The Doctor uses his umbrella to deflect as many of the stones as he can to survive being stoned to death, a scene with no dramatic tension due to following on from the komedy of the books scene and then a brief cutaway to Glitz and Dibber arguing. It then cuts back to the courtroom, where the Doctor is pleased at how clever he was being on the screen. The Valeyard counters by becoming very serious.

Valeyard: "Hear how the Doctor takes pride in his interference. Hear how he boasts! This is not the reaction of a responsible Time Lord."

Inquisitor: "We are all aware of that, Valeyard. What is the point you are trying to make?"

Valeyard: "These proceedings started as a mere inquiry into the Doctor's activities. I'm suggesting now that it becomes a trial. And if he is found guilty, I strongly suggest the termination of his life!"

Crash-zoom to face: cliffhanger!

This is a bit of a rubbish way to end the episode, but at least it explains why this started out as an "inquiry" instead of a trial: so that it could become a trial in time for the first cliffhanger - a bit like the Daleks only showing up for the end of part one in a story with "of the Daleks" in the title.

Crash-zoom to face cliffhanger count: 1