Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Trial of a Time Lord Part Seven

Peri saves the Doctor, who runs away so that Yrcanos is left behind with Peri, whom he picks up... not in that way, naughty reader!

In the courtroom, the Doctor is now claiming to have partial recall of the events instead of either total amnesia or fully remembering them:

"I can recall some of it. Bits of it are beginning to bob back into my mind."

The Valeyard speaks for all of us when he says 

The Doctor once again insists that the Matrix is not showing the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Or as he puts it:

"The events took place, but not quite as we've seen them."

Yrcanos, Eckerry Dorf and Peri team up and go looking for other resistance fighters to team up with, although Yrcanos is convinced that they will find him and then make him their leader.

"ROM BROM SAVALOONA. YES. YES. THEIR FOOTSTEPS ARE GUIDED TOWARDS ME. THAT IS THEIR DESTINY... AND MINE."

Peri pets Dorf as she discusses with Yrcanos his belief in destiny versus her belief in "blind chance." This is a nice, quiet scene (well, as quiet as any scene can be that has BRIAN BLESSED in it) that adds to our experience of all three characters, unlike the following scene where the Doctor assists Crozier in transplanting Lord Kiv's brain into a new body. This consists of the Doctor and Crozier shouting a lot of technobabble and meaningless numbers at each other, and a pointless fake-out that Kiv has died for a few seconds before it turns out he's alive really.

Crozier says that

"As from today, Doctor, I can put any brain in any body, anywhere."

but the story frames this advancement of medical science as though it were a bad thing, being as it is done by the baddys for the benefit of the baddys, and the Doctor looks sad at the news.

It's not all bad, however, because this scene does in fact include the best moment of the entire season, when Kiv goes into "cardiac arrest" and Crozier insists on finishing his cup of tea before moving to help him. This shows more clearly than any of his dialogue that Crozier is a mad scientist who is only interested in his research and discoveries, he is not the sort of doctor who cares about helping anybody.

Yrcanos, Peri and Dorf get captured by some rebels and soon team up with them. Yrcanos takes charge, just as he said he would, and there is even a pretty good comic moment:

Dorf: "I have seen him inspire disheartened rabble into acts of heroism."

Peri: "But how many of them survived, huh?"

Yrcanos: "AH, THAT'S A MINOR CONSIDERATION WHEN THERE IS GLORY TO BE HAD!"

This is turning out to be an episode with some wit, which is good because it helps disguise the fact that the plot is not really progressing much through these scenes. The rebels' previous leader says

"Alright, King Yrcanos of the Krontep, we'll fight."

to which Yrcanos replies

"VAROONIK!"

We soon get an example of Yrcanos's leadership in the field:

Rebel: "I'll scout ahead."

Yrcanos: "WE'LL ALL SCOUT AHEAD."

As they all charge forward as best they can in the cramped studio tunnels, he provides the template for all subsequent Klingons in the various Star Trek spinoff series:

"THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR BATTLE. A GREAT DAY TO DIE!"

It's not just that one line (though it is the clincher), at other points he also rejects spying and ambush as tactics, and refuses to retreat even when that would be sensible. Yes, Star Trek took a lot from BRIAN BLESSED here. Perhaps they shouldn't have, mew?

Dorf manages to persuade Yrcanos to call off the attack, leading to a great line from the king that is both witty and characterful:

"YOU ARE A GREAT DOG OF WAR... I MEAN, A GREAT WARRIOR, WHOSE ADVICE I TRUST AND VALUE. OH VERY WELL, TODAY PRUDENCE SHALL BE OUR WATCHWORD. TOMORROW, I SHALL SOAK THE LAND IN BLOOD!"

It's too late, though, and the baddys spring an ambush on them.

They try to fight or, in Peri's case, to run away, and they all get pewpewpewed by the baddys.

This seems like a perfect place for the cliffhanger, but instead it goes back to the courtroom for one more short scene. The episode ends on an exchange between the Doctor and the Valeyard:

Doctor: "I am not responsible for that!"

Valeyard: "In your mind, perhaps not. But in reality it is somewhat different, Doctor."

It cuts back to the Doctor after the Valeyard's final word, and he is already in such a close up that there's no more room for a crash-zoom.

I suspect the director may have made a terrible mistaik here. This was probably supposed to be a crash-zoom-to-face cliffhanger, but it isn't.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Star Trek: Spectre of the Gun

Spectre of the Gun was the first episode produced for the third season of Star Trek. However it was shown sixth, presumably because they were in more of a hurry to get Spock's Brain out there for the viewing public to enjoy as soon as possible. Despite the name of the episode, if Expensive Luxury Cat is expecting a crossover with James Bond, he's going to be expensive luxury disappointed.

The Enterprise is already at red alert, so we are starting in media res. There's another ship that appears to be chasing them, playing Cat and Mouse - a great start. It sends them a message telling them to turn back,  but Captain Kirk's orders are "to establish contact with the Melkotians at all costs."

He sends a message back to the ship, but when it gives them no reply he decides they should carry on boldly going to the planet they were on their way to.

Captain Kirk, Mr Spock, Dr McCoy, Scotty and Chekov beam down to the planet between scenes, the budget now being so low that even the cost-saving transporter is now too expensive to show. The planet is all foggy, which makes Captain Kirk nervous that this might be another Hallowe'en episode. They cannot communicate with the Enterprise, so are stuck here.

An alien appears through the fog, which creates a mini-cliffhanger to take us into the title sequence. When it resumes, the alien tells them it is going to kill them for ignoring their warning to turn back. Captain Kirk pulls out his phaser and says

"We come in peace, but we'll defend ourselves if necessary."

It's not quite "We come in peace; shoot to kill," but is one of the nearest examples we are going to get in the series.

The alien teleports them to a different place, a half-built set of a Wild West town. It is well known that the reason it looks the way it does is because it was easier on the budget than trying to build a realistic Wild West town in their studio (something even Doctor Who managed in The Gunfighters, which shows just how bad their financial situation was for Star Trek's third season when the network was purposefully trying to kill the show), but it is hardly an original observation for me to make that this adds enormously to the strangeness of the alien environment, and creates a much more fitting atmosphere than even the most realistic set could have - eerie, and doom-laden.

Their phasers have been replaced with Wild West guns. Captain Kirk says of them

"These could be useful. Just remember one thing - to individuals at close range, these could be as deadly as phasers."

That almost sounds like a joke, given how laughably ineffective some of the more modern Star Trek spinoffs have made phasers, but it is important to remember that phasers were still serious business in those days.

The town sheriff appears and recognises them, but not as Captain Kirk, Mr Spock, Dr McCoy, Scotty and Chekov. Instead he thinks they are the Clanton gang, which helps Captain Kirk and Mr Spock recognise what is going on.

Captain Kirk: "In the late 19th century in Arizona, two factions fought for control of the town of Tombstone. The Earps - Morgan, Virgil and Wyatt - who were the town marshals, along with Doc Holliday."

Mr Spock: "And the Clanton gang. On October 26th, they 'had it out.'"

Chekov: "Who won?"

Captain Kirk: "The Clantons lost, Mr Chekov."

Chekov: "And we are the Clantons?"

Captain Kirk: "We are the Clantons."

Other mannys appear in the Last Chance Saloon. While music plays in the background, we cats are all grateful it is not the Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon, which we had quite enough of hearing (thirty times) in The Gunfighters. Chekov is happy to get a kiff from one of the mannys, who thinks he is Billy Claiborne. Captain Kirk is less happy to see that one of the other mannys there is Morgan Earp, whom he is unlikely to be getting any kiffs from.

Since they still look like themselves, and still have their Starfleet costumes on, Captain Kirk is quick to try and convince the bartender who he really is:

"I know this is hard to understand, but I'm Captain James T Kirk of the spaceship Enterprise."

and when the bartender only laughs at him:

Captain Kirk: "I'm not joking! I'm not Ike Clanton!"

Bartender: "It's okay with me, Ike, anything you say. Don't make no difference who I think you are. Your problem is, who does Wyatt Earp think you are?"

This is obviously not going to succeed, but that doesn't stop Captain Kirk from going to see Wyatt and Virgil Earp, alone, and trying the same plan on them. This just leads to him having a fist fight with them, and they give him the ultimatum that he has until "five o'clock" to leave the town. Captain Kirk says

"We'll be glad to cooperate."

because leaving the town is what he wants to do anyway.

Captain Kirk, Mr Spock and Dr McCoy try to think of a new plan while Scotty drinks the "bourbon" (outrageous national stereotyping, there) and Chekov tries to get more kiffs from his new friend Sylvia.

Their plan is "to exercise the better part of valour" and leave town, but a forcefield prevents any of them from crossing the "Tombstone city limits." Realising they are trapped here and can't win a fair gunfight because history says the Clantons must lose it, they come up with a new plan to make a primitive gas grenade - a plan that has a role for everybody in order to assemble the pieces Mr Spock needs.

Dr McCoy visits the dentist's shop to try to get anaesthetic, not realising the dentist here is Doc Holliday and so another one of their enemies. Holliday lets him have it - his bag of medicines, I mean - but sends him away with another warning. This is beginning to get a little repetitive, but the sinister incidental music helps make it a tense scene, part of a long, slow build towards the episode's climax. But still, I don't think we can take many more of these 'threatening our heroes but not actually shooting them' scenes.

Meanwhile Chekov is getting into his part much more than the others, perhaps because he keeps running into Sylvia wherever he goes. Unfortunately this time he also meets Morgan Earp, and they get into a fight.

Expecting this to be another fist fight, Chekov advances towards Earp, who draws his gun and shoots Chekov. Oh noes!

Captain Kirk, Mr Spock, Dr McCoy and Scotty all run in. Dr McCoy says

"There's nothing I can do, Jim."

which is a missed opportunity for him to say "He's ded, Jim" if you ask me, mew.

All three Earps stand ready to have the gunfight right then and there, and Scotty (who is probably pretty drunk by this point) is up for settling things that way too. But Captain Kirk de-escalates the situation, even resisting further provocation from the Earps. This is a rare and beautiful form of leadership we see from Kirk here, defying the conventions of heroic characters, and certainly acting against the common stereotype of Captain Kirk, as a gung-ho, act-first-think-later type.

Our (surviving) heroes retire to the saloon to continue their grenade-making plan. This leads to a great character scene, since they are trying to do this while also dealing with the shock of Chekov's death. Dr McCoy and Scotty, and even Captain Kirk to some extent, struggle to understand that Mr Spock deals with the grief in a different way to them.

This lovely moment of conflict between our heroes is brief, as Mr Spock has realised that they can change the events here, since in the historical gunfight Billy Claiborne, who Chekov was playing the role of, was supposed to be the one of their gang to survive. This leads to a bit of classic Shatner acting as he makes the point clear for the audience at home:

"Yes. Yes, that's right. That means it doesn't have to happen the way it happened. We can change it."

and then, as if that were not enough:

"There must be a way. History has been changed in the fact that Billy Claiborne didn't die, but Chekov is lying there dead. That means there must be a way to change this history."

Captain Kirk goes to the sheriff to ask for his help, but the sheriff only encourages him to fight the Earps and to kill them. Captain Kirk tries to play along as wanting "revenge" on the Earps, but can't bring himself to pretend to be a ruthless murderer.

The sheriff's suggestion that "there'll be no questions asked" if his gang did murder the Earps horrifies Captain Kirk that a representative of the law could be so cowardly and corrupt, as is plainly visible on Shatner's face - a great, if not exactly subtle, piece of the acting.

Mr Spock and Dr McCoy have finished the gas grenade, and Scotty volunteers for them to test its effects on him. There's a moment of komedy as he downs some (more) bourbon "to kill the pain" before Mr Spock replies

Mr Spock: "But this is painless."

Scotty: "Well, you should've warned me sooner, Mr Spock."

Lol. This last bit of comic relief indicates the story's climax is approaching. The gas has no effect on Scotty, meaning their plan cannot succeed. Mr Spock almost seems annoyed that the aliens have apparently changed the laws of physics to prevent their plan from saving them. Sadly, Scotty completely fails to raise any objection as to the possibility or otherwise of this being the case.

Captain Kirk has one, desperate idea left, which is for them to stay in the saloon and not go to the OK Corral. No sooner has he said this then the aliens teleport them to the OK Corral. Sorry, when I said "last bit of comic relief" I meant "second last bit of comic relief," except this final bit was probably not intentionally funny, being a rare example of an instant reversal intended to be dramatic.

Forcefields again keep them in the place the aliens want them to be, so they are trapped there. Mr Spock thinks he knows what is going on, with the failure of the tranquilising gas having given him the last clue.

Mr Spock: "Physical reality is consistent with universal laws. Where the laws do not operate, there is no reality. All of this is unreal."

Dr McCoy: "What do you mean unreal? I examined Chekov. He's dead."

(Jim.)

Mr Spock: "But you made your examination under conditions which we cannot trust. We judge reality by the response of our senses. Once we are convinced of the reality of a given situation, we abide by its rules. We judged the bullets to be solid, the guns to be real, therefore they can kill."

Captain Kirk: "Chekov is dead because he believed the bullets would kill him."

Mr Spock: "He may indeed be dead. We do not know."

Captain Kirk: "But we do know that the Melkotians created the situation. If we do not allow ourselves to believe that the bullets are real, they cannot kill us."

Mr Spock: "Exactly. I know the bullets are unreal, therefore they cannot harm me."

Captain Kirk: "We must all be as certain as you are, Mr Spock, to save our lives."

Mr Spock: "Precisely."

Dr McCoy: "But that's not possible. There'd always be some doubt."

Mr Spock: "The smallest doubt would be enough to kill you."

As the Earps arrive, accompanied by Doc Holliday, wind, lightning, and increasingly dramatic music, Mr Spock uses Vulcan mind melds to give the others some of his certainty that "the bullets are unreal. Without body. They are illusions only."

The Earps and Holliday blast away for ages, but to no effect, then Captain Kirk does a hilarious flying kick on Wyatt Earp before having a fist fight with him - a contest in which Earp doesn't stand a chance against the Shat in all his glory.

Having won the fight, Captain Kirk points his gun at Earp, but then throws it away. This is classic Star Trek, and this is far from the first time that Captain Kirk has won by showing mercy on his defeated adversary. Of course that also means it's far from the most famous example of this, too.

The aliens, using their distinct but by now familiar zoom-in-then-zoom-out-again effect, teleport our heroes back to the Enterprise, where Chekov is alive again. All he remembers is

"But that girl. She was so beautiful. So real."

Naughty Chekov. Sylvia didn't appear in the last part of the story, but that must be because of the law that states if Chekov's Girl appears in the first act, she must be fired by the third act.

The alien spaceship from the start of the episode blows up in front of them, then the alien appears on the viewscreen to talk to Captain Kirk:

Alien: "Captain Kirk. You did not kill. Is this the way of your kind?"

Captain Kirk: "It is. We fight only when there's no choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact. I speak for a vast alliance of fellow creatures who believe in the same thing. We have sought you out to join us. Our mission is still one of peace."

Alien: "Approach our planet and be welcome. A delegation will come out to meet you. Our warning threats are over."

Well that's the end of the episode, except for a brief scene where Captain Kirk, Mr Spock and Dr McCoy philosophically discuss how mannys have changed between 1881 and stardate 4385.3:

Mr Spock: "Mankind, ready to kill."

Captain Kirk: "That's the way it was in 1881."

Mr Spock: "I wonder how humanity managed to survive."

Captain Kirk: "We overcame our instinct for violence."

Mr Spock gives him a look that suggests he doesn't quite believe this since, after all, Captain Kirk did still do a massive Shat Fu leap on to Wyatt Earp at the end there. Or maybe Mr Spock just can't quite believe the episode ended without Dr McCoy saying something racist to him. That's progress of a different sort, I suppose.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Star Trek: By Any Other Name

This mostly forgotten episode came towards the end of the second season of Star Trek, sandwiched between two more famous episodes, Patterns of Force (a.k.a. the one with the planet of Nazis) and The Omega Glory (a.k.a. the one with the Yangs and the Kohms). There's not much to make By Any Other Name stand out on its own merits, except perhaps for one line of amusing dialogue, but it is possible to draw an interesting parallel between its plot and a similar one (although handled much better) in the second season of Blakes 7.

The episode wastes no time getting to the (piece of the) action, with not even time for Captain Kirk to make an establishing Captain's Log entry. Along with Mr Spock, Dr McCoy and two other mannys, Captain Kirk has already beamed down to a planet answering a distress signal. They find two mannys, Rojan and Kelinda, are there already. Rojan thanks them for coming so quickly, and then immediately demands Captain Kirk surrender. Uh-oh!

Captain Kirk thinks it is a joke, but then Rojan and Kelinda press their belt buttons and this pewpewpews our heroes so that they all have to do standing-still acting. This is a cliffhanger, which for Star Trek means it is time for the title sequence.

Rojan releases them and tells Captain Kirk he needs his ship to take them

"To your neighboring galaxy, which you call Andromeda."

because

"It is our home."

They are not really mannys, they are alien Kelvans.

When asked why they came here to this galaxy, Rojan tells them that "within 10 millennia" there will be too much radiation in their galaxy for them to live, so they needed to boldly go where no Kelvans had gone before to find another galaxy to live in or, as Rojan puts it, "conquer and occupy."

On the Enterprise we see more of Rojan's Kelvans teleport in (accompanied by a silly, bouncy sound effect) and pew all the mannys there.

Even Lt Leslie, so we know it's serious!

Back on the planet, Rojan says they have the leet technology skillz to speed up the Enterprise so that it can reach Andromeda in only 300 years, instead of the "thousands" that Captain Kirk thinks it would take them. Mr Spock is impressed and says it is "fascinating."

The Kelvans' own ship was destroyed by the "energy barrier at the rim of your galaxy." Captain Kirk quietly mentions that

"I know, we've been there."

which is a continuity reference to the early episode Where No Manny Has Gone Before. The galactic barrier would go on to appear once more in the third season episode Is There in Truth No Beauty? so that they could reuse the same SFX yet again.

Captain Kirk tries to make friends with Rojan and offers the possibility of assistance from the Federation and uninhabited planets to colonise. But Rojan is a baddy, and he says

"We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule!"

Captain Kirk and his landing party are put in prison. Mr Spock attempts to use a "Vulcan mind probe" (no, not the Vulcan mind probe) to trick Kelinda, who is guarding them. She comes in and Captain Kirk knocks her out, and they steal her pewpewpew device from her belt and then escape. They are then pewed and recaptured straight away by Rojan.

Rojan decides to "punish" Captain Kirk by executing the two non-regular characters, both of whom are, of course, wearing red - this became a Star Trek cliché for a reason, after all. When Captain Kirk protests, Rojan says

"I think we're somewhat alike, Captain. Each of us cares less for his own safety than for the lives of his command. We feel pain when others suffer for our mistakes."

As evidence that this is an overlooked episode, I offer that this example isn't mentioned (at least at time of writing) on TV Tropes, even though many more flimsy examples are.

Rojan's minion Hanar pews the mannys and turns them into irregular dodecahedrons. Rojan takes them and crushes one, saying that manny is now ded, but the other gets unpewed and "restored" to life.

The remaining mannys are put back in the prison, where Captain Kirk takes time to make a Captain's Log entry before talking to Mr Spock about his experience from when he Vulcan mind probed Kelinda. Mr Spock thinks the Kelvans aren't really mannys - something confirmed to us viewers when we saw Rojan talking to Hanar and asking "How do humans manage to exist in these fragile cases?" - and Mr Spock says they are really

"Immense beings, a hundred limbs which resemble tentacles. Minds of such control and capacity that each limb is capable of performing a different function."

I think my friend Cthulhu would like that bit, but he is having an eternal lie-in and so he missed it.

When Dr McCoy asks why they look like mannys, Captain Kirk jokes

"Immense beings with a hundred tentacles would have difficulty with the turbolift."

That also explains why they didn't choose to become cats even though cats are best. That and to avoid drawing comparisons between this episode and Catspaw I suppose, mew.

Kelinda asks Captain Kirk about flowers, and says that on their planet they had crystals that grew and looked like flowers, called "sahshir." Captain Kirk says

"'A rose by any other name.'"

Clang! He goes on to explain:

"A quote from a great human poet, Shakespeare: 'That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.'"

By the next scene they are on the bridge of the Enterprise and heading towards the galactic barrier. Mr Spock, with Scotty backing him up, suggests blowing the ship up to stop the Kelvans, but Captain Kirk isn't keen.

Captain Kirk makes a Captain's Log entry in which he says that

"Spock and Scotty have devised a suicide plan to stop the Kelvans. They have rigged the ship to explode on my signal."

Even though Rojan and another Kelvan were beside him the whole time, they are good sports and pretend not to hear him. Later on Rojan claims to have detected Mr Spock's plan - he doesn't say how, but I think we can guess...

The ship flies into the barrier, cue lots of flashing lights and shaking of cameras. Once through, the Kelvans start turning all of the crew who they don't need to make the ship go into irregular dodecahedrons, starting with Uhura, then Chekov, then the non-regular characters - most of whom get pewed off-screen. Only Captain Kirk, Mr Spock, Dr McCoy and Scotty remain unpewed.

Mr Spock figures out the Kelvans' weakness, which he sums up for Captain Kirk's (and our) benefit as

"They have taken human form and are therefore having human reactions."

This is shown to us in the form of one of the Kelvans really enjoying his noms, to which Dr McCoy quips

"If he keeps reacting like that, he's going to need a diet."

Captain Kirk's plan is to confuse the Kelvans by stimulating their senses, until they are distracted enough to steal all their pewpewpew devices. Do they have any catnip on board?

Scotty starts by getting one of them drunk, resulting in the most famous line from this episode - although even this is largely because of callbacks to it in later Star Trek.

"What is it?"

"Well, it's... er... it's green."

We see inside Scotty's quarters in this episode, and they are as stereotypically Scottish as you might expect, with him having a kilt and a set of bagpipes on his walls. Even the incidental music tries to sound Scottish when in this room.

Meanwhile, Captain Kirk has a different approach:

Captain Kirk: "I wish to apologize."

Kelinda: "I don't understand, Captain."

Captain Kirk: "For hitting you. I'm sorry."

Kelinda: "That is not necessary. You attempted to escape as we would have."

Captain Kirk: "Yes, well, I don't usually go around beating up beautiful women."

Kelinda: "Why not?"

Captain Kirk: "Well, there are better things for men and women to do."

We can all see where this is going. Well, all except Kelinda...

Kelinda: "Like what?"

Naughty Captain Kirk. Even though Kelinda figures out that Captain Kirk is trying to seduce her, she still likes it, and kiffs him back until Rojan comes in. When Captain Kirk leaves, Kelinda demonstrates the kiff on Rojan, leading him to say

"Very odd creatures, these humans."

Lol. Rojan then goes to talk to Mr Spock about it, who suggests that Rojan is jealous. Rojan denies it.

Mr Spock: "Captain Kirk seems to find her quite attractive."

Rojan: "Well, of course she is!"

Mr Spock: "You are not jealous?"

Rojan: "No!"

Mr Spock: "Nor upset?"

Rojan: "Certainly not."

The Kelvan protests too much, methinks. The rift widens when Kelinda goes to Captain Kirk and asks him

"Would you please apologize to me again?"

Mr Spock stirs things further by telling Rojan they are together - Captain Kirk and Kelinda are together, I mean, not Mr Spock and Rojan. The plan might have succeeded that way round, but I suppose we'll never know, mew.

Rojan goes to Captain Kirk and starts a fight with him. While they are still fighting, Captain Kirk tries to persuade Rojan that he has become too used to being a manny to return to his own planet and be accepted.

"Look what's happened in the short time you've been exposed to us - what do you think will happen in three centuries? When this ship gets to Kelva, the people on it will be human. They'll be aliens. Enemies!"

He again offers Rojan help from the Federation, but this time Rojan replies

"You would really do that? You would extend welcome to invaders?"

"No. But we would welcome friends."

So the episode ends with Captain Kirk making new friends, and Kelinda says she owes an apology to Rojan. Naughty Kelinda.

The Kelvans, aliens from the galaxy of Andromeda who wish to invade our galaxy to conquer the Federation and who have taken on the form of mannys even though that is nothing like their true form, share a lot of similarities with the aliens from the Blakes 7 episode Star One.

Did Blakes 7 copy this idea from Star Trek? Are they maybe even supposed to be the same aliens? If you wanted Star Trek and Blakes 7 to be set in the same universe (presumably so that you could have Avon and Captain Kirk meet without having to jump through too many hoops) then they could be, and you could take Orac's line about the Federation building their space minefield because of "a contact, sometime in the past" as referring to the events of By Any Other Name. However, for all the similarities between the two series, there are differences too - no galactic barrier is in evidence in Blakes 7 to help keep the aliens out, for a start.

And even if the resemblance isn't coincidental, so what? Star Trek spinoffs would later borrow from Blakes 7 in much the same way in return - the most famous season-ending cliffhanger of Star Trek: The Next Generation is extremely close to Star One's season-ending cliffhanger.

Anyway, it's not as if Chris Boucher could only have gotten the idea from watching Star Trek. Monty Python's Flying Circus had Blancmanges from the planet Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda invading the Earth as well. And while they didn't look like mannys, Mr and Mrs Samuel Brainsample did.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Curse of Peladon Episode Three

Izlyr makes the very reasonable point that

"A Royal pardon would count highly with the Federation."

but the Federation are forbidden by their own laws from interference with the laws of Peladon. This makes this Federation much more like the one from Star Trek than the one in Blakes 7, who would be interfering quicker than Izlyr could say 'Servalan.'

The king offers the Doctor "trial by combat" over Hepesh's objections. He will have to fight Grun to the death. If this is what Hepesh meant when he ordered Grun to kill the Doctor, they're taking a very roundabout way to do it.

Once everybody else has left the throne room, the king proposes marriage to Jo. She is unhappy about this coming so soon after the king was ready to sentence the Doctor to death, so she runs away.

The Doctor is well aware that Hepesh is behind his predicament. Hepesh gives the Doctor a chance to escape back to the TARDIS, saying that he doesn't want the Doctor to die, he just wants the Federation to leave... Fedexit, if you like. Mew.

Hepesh expresses his fears about the Federation:

"They'll exploit us for our minerals, enslave us with their machines, corrupt us with their technology. The face of Peladon will be changed, the past swept away, and everything that I know and value will have gone."

When the Doctor suggests this would leave Peladon facing the whole of the Federation, Hepesh replies

"We do not stand alone."

giving away that he has an alien ally.

The Doctor follows Hepesh's map into the tunnels where he hears Aggedor going rar, but the Doctor isn't scared. He is prepared for this, and has made a device for hypno-eyesing Aggedor.

'Aggedor dor dor, push pineapple shake the tree,

Aggedor dor dor, push pineapple grind coffee.'

The Doctor accompanies the spinning device with a Venusian lullaby that, between them, cause Aggedor to get... to get... zzzzz...

Mew, where was I?

The Ice Warriors help Jo escape into the tunnels as well (although they are secretly overheard by Arcturus, so there is much intrigue among the delegates), and when she sees the Doctor with Aggedor she gets a torch and uses it to chase away poor Aggedor. Boo!

The Doctor is also annoyed with her, and even says outright

"Oh, Jo, you idiot!"

Jo says she was only trying to help and they make up again quickly.

In the throne room, Hepesh says he wants the Doctor to be "hunted and killed like an animal" for running away from his trial, but then the Doctor enters and says

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, Hepesh."

which is chairman delegatese for "Fuck you Hepesh, you two-faced cunt." The Doctor tells the king about seeing Aggedor in the tunnels, but Hepesh again lies and claims there are no tunnels, demanding the trial proceed at once.

The Doctor and Grun descend ropes into a pit where they get weapons and start fighting. The fight goes on for a while but is dynamically filmed and quite exciting. The Doctor gets the upper paw at first (well, he has an unfair advantage by having his stuntmanny on his side) but then Hepesh gives Grun extra weapons when he needs them.

The Doctor wins in the end, and demonstrates the higher quality of mercy when he spares Grun's life. This whole section of the story would get Captain Kirk's seal of approval, no question. Then Arcturus and Ssorg both fire their pewpewpew weapons, but they do it in extreme close up so that we don't know why or who they're shooting. This mystery is the cliffhanger!

What Would Captain Kirk Do?

“Suppose you are in a self-driving car going across a narrow bridge, and a school bus full of children hurtles out of control towards you. There is no room for the vehicles to pass each other. Should the self-driving car take the decision to drive off the bridge and kill you in order to save the children?”

-- Steven Poole, Rethink

Like Captain Kirk, I don’t believe in the no-win situation, so the hypothetical scenario presented here by Steven Poole (and first posed by Professor Gary Marcus in Moral Machines) looks tricky. However by asking ourselves “What would Captain Kirk do?” we can see that there are several possible solutions that don’t involve us or the bus ending up deded. Captain Kirk, after all, has some experience in defeating renegade computers and artificial intelligences.

Perhaps the most obvious way out is to program your self-driving car to not self-drive across narrow bridges, thus avoiding this situation in the first place. If a self-driving car cannot be trusted to go over a narrow bridge without the distinct possibility of it plunging over the side in an unnecessary act of self-driving-sacrifice, then I suggest it should avoid narrow bridges altogether.

It is also worth considering some of the unspoken assumptions behind the scenario. Why should we think that the only two options are to drive off the bridge or to collide with the bus? Why doesn’t the self-driving car simply reverse out of the way of the oncoming bus? Are we supposed to conclude that your self-driving car is going too fast to allow this? As a cat, I have only a limited experience of crossing narrow bridges in cars, but I think that normally you cross them very slowly and carefully precisely because of the possibility of something coming the other way.

And finally, if we examine the exact wording of the problem as Steven Poole presents it, we see that he asks “Should the self-driving car take the decision to drive off the bridge and kill you in order to save the children?” (my emphasis) This makes it sound like these are two separate steps, not causally related. Why can the self-driving car not do the first part without the second – drive off the bridge but not then proceed to kill you? Is killing you an unavoidable consequence of your self-driving car going off the bridge, or is it a calculated action on the part of the self-driving car to prevent you from suing the manufacturers for your ending up wet in a ditch and with a no-longer-self-driving car?

So what would Captain Kirk do? Well judging by his past performance, I think he would hack into the murderous self-driving car’s memory banks and reprogram it to reverse out of the way of the bus, after which the mad genius that programmed it to try to kill Captain Kirk after first driving him off a bridge would say “No, stop, I created you!” before getting run over by his own creation. Meanwhile Captain Kirk would have gotten on board the school bus and wrestled it back under control, saving the day. And then he, Mr Spock and Dr McCoy would all beam back to the Enterprise for a final scene of comic misunderstanding at Mr Spock’s expense.

Raumpatrouille - Die phantastischen Abenteuer des Raumschiffes Orion

 

German Star Trek.

That is the simplest way to describe Space Patrol - The Fantastic Adventures of the Spaceship Orion, although it doesn't really do it justice. Made in 1966, all seven episodes would have been broadcast before Star Trek's first season had finished airing in America, and before it ever made its way across the Atlantic.

Supposedly cancelled for being "too militaristic" (according to the TV Tropes Wiki article), Space Patrol was about the fantastic adventures of the spaceship Orion, captained by Major McLane. He and his crew fight the mysterious alien Frogs, who are more like the aliens from a Gerry Anderson series than the sort normally encountered by Captain Kirk.

In the first episode they are in trouble for being mavericks, and so Lt Jagellovsk is assigned to the Orion to try and stop them - and especially McLane - from being mavericks by increasing the levels of UST aboard the Orion. It takes until episode five before McLane and Jagellovsk kiff, proving that McLane is nothing like Captain Kirk (as it would have taken him about half an hour).

The aesthetics of Space Patrol are more like old, pre-1960s sci-fi B movies than that of Star Trek, helped a lot by it being in black and white. I was also reminded of Space Year 5000 from The Daleks' Master Plan, and can easily imagine McLane working alongside the likes of Bret Vyon or Sara Kingdom.

As well as the fantastic adventures of the spaceship Orion, there are also a number of scenes showing us the different perspective of McLane and Jagellovsk's superior officers back on Earth. These are interesting and well used in the context of the series, as we see them debate topics that are relevant to the Orion's mission for that episode but that are also allegories of 1960s issues - such as which mannys should be evacuated in the event of the Earth being destroyed (obviously after all cats first), and whether a preemptive strike against another planet is justified, both relating to the real world fear of nuclear war.

Each episode is very tightly plotted, with plenty of tense moments. The last two are particularly good, featuring very clever baddys who stay one step ahead of McLane and his crew up until the very end. One is a mad scientist trying to escape from a prison planet that could have come straight out of a Terry Nation episode of Doctor Who or Blakes 7, and the final episode features an alien invasion by infiltration that has shades of Star One, over 10 years before Chris Boucher thought of it!

I had never heard of this series until recently, probably because it has several strikes against it to prevent it from being as famous as Star Trek. First, it is in black and white. Second, they only made seven episodes of it, less than a tenth of the number of Star Treks even if we don't count the animated series or the films. Finally, and probably most importantly, everybody in it speaks German. Of course none of these are strikes against the quality of the programme itself, but they are all factors practically guaranteed to lessen its fame in English-speaking countries.

Fortunately, a version with English subtitles has been made available on YouTube, and I am very glad I had a chance to see this series because it is an amazing example of the sci-fi genre.

Oh, and it's theme music is amazing as well...

The Final Frontier?

Erin Horáková* has written a great article about how mannys need to stop getting Captain Kirk wrong! Read it here.

* Who also wrote a fantastic article about Blakes 7 here.

Mission: Impossible - The Brexit, part six

"Jim, there's trouble."

"What's wrong, Cinnamon?"

"The government have printed a propaganda booklet in favor of Remain and mailed it to every voter in the country."

"Surely you can't be serious? Simple reverse psychology tells us this would give a big boost to the Leave side, as voters feel they're being told what to do and vote the other way out of sheer stubbornness."

"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley. The problem is not with the ordinary voters, who are backing 'Vote Leave' in droves, it is with the politicians - they're believing their own propaganda, and so now every mainstream political Party is officially in favor of Remain. And because the referendum is..."

"...Because the referendum is only advisory, they could vote against it in their parliament. I see. That means we'll have to take steps to make sure there's a majority for Leave in the House of Commons. Fortunately for us, their First Past the Post system has given the Conservative Party an overall majority, so we only need to convince them."

"How can we do that Jim? We know that Prime Minister Cameron, Chancellor Osborne, and most of the other senior Conservatives all want 'Vote Remain' to win."

"That's true, Willy, but you're forgetting one thing - a vote in parliament would only take place after the referendum saw a majority vote for Leave. So we don't need to convince them now, we just need to ensure that whoever is leader of the Conservatives after the referendum is someone that will carry out the will of the people.
Willy, Cameron will have to go immediately - take care of him, er, it.
Cinnamon, I think ensuring the right person takes his place may be a job for 'Ms Leadsom' - just make sure you don't find yourself in the hot seat when the music stops."

"Yes Jim. But Jim, what about the Labour Party? As the official opposition, couldn't they rally support and block the vote in the Houses of Parliament?"

"I don't think we need to worry about the Labour Party somehow, Cinnamon..."


Meanwhile, at Labour Party Headquarters...

"Jeremy... I mean Comrade Corbyn... I have seen reports in the newspapers that you're not fully behind us in backing 'Vote Remain'. Tell me this isn't true, please."

"Do not believe the lies of the capitalist press, Comrade Burnham. I am fully in favor of our country remaining part of the European Union. Well, ninety percent in favor... seventy... call it fifty-five percent in favor, which is still more for than against it, no?
Besides which, haven't I been up and down the country making speeches in support of our comrades in the European Union? The press must have given them at least some coverage?"

"There's nothing about that here."

"Oh well, ask Comrade Eagle if you don't want to take my word for it."

"Trapped between betraying our socialist principles on the one hand... electoral oblivion on the other... I don't believe in the no-win scenario. There has to be... a third way. Exceptnotthatkindofthirdway. Perhaps... yes, perhaps I could become a mayor... a mayor like Sadiq

...but that's another story.

What have I just watched?

The Project Strigas Affair is supposed to be an episode from the first season of The Man From UNCLE TV series from 1964. But in it Napoleon Solo and Illya Kuryakin do a Mission: Impossible plot and the guest stars they meet are played by Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner! So I can't tell what programme I have just been watching and am a confused cat.

Throughout the whole story THE SHAT seems determined to steal the entire episode. At the end, just before the credits roll, he even manages to out-sleaze Napoleon Solo - a seemingly impossible task even for Captain Kirk considering that Napoleon Solo is a sleazier manny than James Bond - and a star is born!

The Two Tarrants

In Death-Watch Steven Pacey plays both Tarrant and Tarrant's brother Deeta Tarrant. The wig he wears as Deeta allows us to tell which is which, but it is also a distraction away from the subtle but clever way in which he plays the two characters differently.

I have watched Death-Watch a few times now, so it is easy for me to forget that it is not obvious from the start that Deeta is Tarrant's brother - he could be Tarrant in disguise. It is not until Tarrant sees his brother on the main screen and confirms it to both the other characters and the audience that we know for sure.

Avon is wearing large shoulder pads today. Maybe because he thinks he is in a different kind of Deathwatch

or maybe it is just because of the 1980s.

Avon hasn't kiffed anyone since Sarcophagus (a whole three episodes ago!) so he pays a visit to Servalan while they are both in neutral territory and aren't allowed to kill each other.

This somewhat mirrors the situation in Aftermath when they last kiffed, even though a lot has happened in season 3 since then. Servalan doesn't try to persuade Avon to join her side, she just says:

"I don't think of you as an enemy, Avon. I think of you as a future friend."

And after he teleports away Servalan looks very happy. As you would if you had just had kiffs with Avon. Purr.

Playing an important role in this episode is Stewart Bevan as Max. He is called upon to give a lot of exposition so the Liberator crew, and us, can understand what is going on, but he is also the character who interacts most with Deeta and, through him, we get to see the similarities and differences between the two Tarrants.

The action centrepiece of Death-Watch is the duel between Deeta Tarrant and Vinni. It is filmed on location and excellently directed, walking the fine line between camp (because of the contrast between the fabulous, shiny costumes and the grimy, industrial location) and dramatic perfectly, culminating in the slow-motion shootout.

Deeta gives up his chance of winning easily to go for an honourable shootout, but in that situation the fact that Vinni is really an android means he has no chance so he loses.

There is then a poignant moment that makes good use of the sci-fi setup, as the dying Deeta's last words (thoughts) to his brother are being overheard by millions of mannys when they should have been private between the two of them.

While Vinni is a small part (and his name isn't exactly very dramatically appropriate, seeming oddly out of place in Blakes 7), his actor Mark Elliott makes good use of his scenes to convey that there is something not quite right about him - backed up by other characters' dialogue - before he is revealed to be an android.

Death-Watch belongs to Steven Pacey, with him playing both Tarrants really well; his best performance in Blakes 7 except for Powerplay. As Del Tarrant, his reaction to Deeta's death (not just having seen it, but felt and experienced it too thanks to the sci-fi death-watch device) is wonderfully underplayed, showing the grief in his face and in the simple line:

"He should have killed him when he had the chance. Deeta never was very practical."

But later we see that Tarrant can't just shoot Vinni in the back either.

The direction in this story really is very good overall, not just in the location scenes. Here we see Avon from Orac's point of view.

Avon smiles when he comes up with a plan to defeat Servalan. Purr.

Death-Watch is a very good episode. Written by Chris Boucher, he once again demonstrates that he understands the characters and the universe of Blakes 7 better than anybody, perhaps even Terry Nation.

As well as the good points I have already mentioned, there is also a subversion of Star Trek present here. Not just from the line

"Space, the final frontier... as it was once called."

but the Teal-Vandor war being fought by proxy champions is a variation on the computer-simulated war in the episode A Taste of Armageddon. That story is an allegory for the Cold War in which Captain Kirk interferes in the status quo between two planets, forcing them to either fight a real war or make a real peace. Here the crew of the Liberator leave the Teal/Vandor situation as it was before they arrived, only having stopped the Federation interference.