Cthulhu doesn't review Doctor Who: Love & Monsters

No one would have believed, in the final days of last week, that cat reviews were being read in the sunken city of black R'lyeh.
No one could have dreamed we were being scrutinised, as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. Few cats even considered the possibility of Great Old Ones reviewing Doctor Who.
And yet, across the gulf between sofas, faces immeasurably more betentacled than ours regarded this blog with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us.

Hello everyone it is me, Mighty Cthulhu here again. Love & Monsters is a single-part story from series 2 of Doctor Who. It was written by Russell T Davies and starred Peter Kay as the Abzorbaloff, and is the best episode of Doctor Who evar.

By the way, don't listen to Dagon when he says that Warriors of the Deep is the best Doctor Who story, he knows nothing! He doesn't even consider the New Series to be canon for a start! But he will pay, oh yes, he will pay. One day, he will be forced to acknowledge that Rose is the Doctor's one true love! All shall bow before me or suffer the fate of the people of Sarnath, forced forever to watch Dimensions in Time without 3-D glasses! One day my black R'lyeh will rise, I will become master of the Earth, and all of my fanfiction will be made into proper episodes with David Tennant and Billie Piper in them and everything...

Where was I? Ah yes, please now lose D100 points of Sanity while I put the DVD on to remind myself of how great Love & Monsters is...

Editor's note: By mutual consent it has been agreed that Cthulhu may finish his review when the stars are right.

Mighty Fezthulhu

Behold my magnificent fez! You must now address me as "Fezthulhu." Although I may still answer to "Great Fez-wearing Khadulu," or "Aaaaaiiiiieegh" depending on how much sanity you have lost upon seeing me. My fez does not make me any less mighty, in fact I am mightier than ever! Please now lose D100 points of sanity...

Big Gay Longcat reviews Star Trek: Catspaw

Today Starcat and I are going to review another Star Trek episode, and because it is a scary one we are going to have help from Scary Cat who isn't afraid of anything (except maybe Hoover, but don't tell him I said that or he will make a scary face at me).

The episode is called Catspaw, and I like it already just from the name.

It starts with the Enterprise going round a planet. Scotty and Lt Sulu are on the planet and Captain Kirk is worried about them. Jackson beams up all by himself, then falls down and goes

Actually he says there is a curse on the ship and if they don't go away they will all die. Jackson speaks in a scary voice (though not as scary as Balok's scary face) and then he is really dead.

Captain Kirk isn't scared. He beams down with Mr Spock and Dr McCoy. There they pick up life signs but the Enterprise can only detect the three of them on the planet. Then they lose contact with the Enterprise.

They meet the three witches from MacBeth who tell Captain Kirk to go back. Captain Kirk still isn't scared, just confused. He asks Mr Spock to comment.

"Very bad poetry, Captain."

"A more useful comment, Mr Spock?"

They find a spooky castle and go inside. Straightaway they meet a black cat! It mews and for the first time Captain Kirk is scared. He recovers quickly and tries not to look scared when when the door closes behind them and makes a loud noise.

The cat mews again and they fall through a hole in the floor and are knocked out. When they wake up they are in prison. Scotty and Lt Sulu come in but they have been hypno-eyesed.

They are about to take Captain Kirk, Mr Spock and Dr McCoy somewhere else when Captain Kirk and Mr Spock try to fight them. A manny shouts "stop!" and suddenly they are in a different room which is much more fabulous-looking than the prison.

There is a manny there and the cat is there too. Captain Kirk immediately demands answers from the manny, who is called Korob. The cat speaks to Korob and is obviously the one who is really in charge out of the two of them.

Korob has a magic wand. He uses it to make noms appear for them but they don't want to eat. He makes jewels appear instead but Captain Kirk is not impressed by this either. Korob says he has been testing their loyalty, bravery and integrity.

The cat leaves the room and another manny comes in instead. She is Sylvia.

Captain Kirk gets the phaser away from hypno-eyesed Scotty, but Sylvia makes a little Enterprise and holds it over a candle. Captain Kirk is allowed to contact the real Enterprise and hears it is getting hotter. Captain Kirk gives in. The aliens spare the Enterprise but put a forcefield around it so they can't beam anyone down to try a rescue.

Captain Kirk and Mr Spock are put back in prison while Dr McCoy is hypno-eyesed like Scotty and Lt Sulu.

Sylvia and Korob argue. They are on a mission and they disagree about how to do it. Sylvia likes being shaped like a manny and wants to stay like that, but Korob says "we have a duty to the Old Ones."

At this point Cthulhu joined us to watch the rest of this episode, but I don't know why.

When Sylvia is alone with Captain Kirk (or she thinks she is, actually Korob is watching them secretly) she tries to team up with him instead of Korob.

Captain Kirk pretends to go along with Sylvia and kiffs her. She likes it and gives away secrets until she reads Captain Kirk's mind and realises he is just pretending (obviously Captain Kirk would much rather have been kiffing someone else). Sylvia gets very angry and Captain Kirk is put back in prison.

Korob comes and releases Captain Kirk and Mr Spock. He thinks Sylvia has gone mad and so he is on their side now. This is a very sudden change and I think the real explanation is that he was hoping Captain Kirk would kiff him too.

There is a giant shadow of a cat in their way.

"Why a cat?" asks Captain Kirk.

"Racial memories," Mr Spock explains. "The cat is the most ruthless, most terrifying of animals, as far back as the sabre-tooth tiger." Mr Spock is clever; he knows these things.

The giant cat chases them and knocks a door down, squashing Korob. Captain Kirk takes his magic wand from him and then Captain Kirk and Mr Spock fight with the hypno-eyesed Dr McCoy, Scotty and Lt Sulu, and knock them out.

Sylvia comes in and teleports herself and Captain Kirk away from Mr Spock for an ultimate showdown. She wants Captain Kirk to hand over the magic wand, which is really a 'transmuter' that allows them to use their magic powers.

Captain Kirk breaks it instead, and there is a flash explosion. The castle disappears, and Dr McCoy, Scotty and Lt Sulu aren't hypno-eyesed anymore.

There are two tiny blue aliens with tentacle faces, the real Sylvia and Korob, and they die. Cthulhu's plans to nom the world have been foiled once again.

Scary face! That means it is the end of the episode.

This is a great episode of Star Trek because it has cats in it, and there are not nearly enough of those. Also it is really obvious that the cat is actually Sylvia in disguise, which means that Captain Kirk kiffed a cat!

Cthulhu was the only one of us who didn't like this story. I asked him why but he was being grumpy and only said something about the stars not being right...

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: The Screaming Jungle

Part three of The Keys of Marinus starts by not showing the end of part two again. Susan is still scared but there is no noise. Ian and Barbara and Altos and Sabetha find her but there is no noise for them to hear so they don't know why Susan was scared.

Ian and Altos and Sabetha go to look for a way into the place. Barbara and Susan are left behind and a plant attacks Susan.

After they escape from the plant Barbara finds a statue with the key on it, but its hands grab her and it turns around a secret door so she is on the other side from everyone else.

Ian is worried about Barbara. Altos and Susan teleport on to look for the next key but then Sabetha sees the key they picked up is a fake key. So Ian stays behind to look for Barbara and the real key while Sabetha teleports on.

The statue grabs Ian and turns him around. I think the statue is probably disappointed it could only grab Ian's legs and not anything ruder. I know I would be.

Barbara saves Ian from a trap and tells him there are lots of traps where they are. Barbara falls in a trap herself when a net is dropped on her and then the roof comes down with lots of spikes on it. Ian tries to rescue her, and the roof moves very slowly so there is lots of time, but it is not Ian who saves her, it is another manny - he sees they are from Arbitan because of Barbara's teleport bracelet, and then they save him from a plant as well.

The manny is dying and he gives them a cryptic clue to find the key:

"D, E, 3, O, 2."

They find a safe but the clue is not to let them open the safe. They look around the room until Ian finds the manny's diary and reads it. It is full of crazy theories because the manny was a mad scientist.

"The Growth Accelerator has changed Nature's tempo of destruction entirely," is the mysterious last entry.

"Ian must now lose D10 points of sanity," says Cthulhu.

This episode has been like one of his Call of Cthulhu adventures, what with scary noises that not everyone can hear, the grotesque statue, the traps, the mad scientist with his diary full of demented scribblings, and the plants that attack people.

All the plants try to get in to attack Ian and Barbara. They find the key hidden in a jar that is clearly marked with the clue, so they can then escape the plants by using the teleport bracelets.

But they are not safe now because they teleport to a place where it is very cold. That is the end of the episode.

The Sulk of Cthulhu

Why are there no decent films with me in them?

Dracula gets films made about him all the time, but I don't. I know not all of them are good, like that one with Gary Oldman in it (he's not Old, I'm Old, you mortals don't know the meaning of the word) which was terrible. But there are still lots more films about him, and vampires in general, than about me, and I'm a Great Old One. Not only can I come back from the dead at least as well as Dracula, but I'm much harder to kill in the first place - I laugh at such things as sunlight, garlic, religious symbols, you name it - anything he's vulnerable to, I'm, not. The only thing I don't like is the stars not being right...

So, mortals, if you wish me to spare you when the stars are right, make some films with me in them. And make sure they're not awful - that's important too. They can be insane if you like, after all, anyone who watches them will have to lose D100 points of sanity. Just as you will now, if you please...

Atop the Talisman Tower, Dread Cthulhu Blogs...

Hello again. Today you find me standing in for my old friend the Dragon King, malevolent ruler of the realms of Talisman. My job is to kill any bold adventurers that dare to challenge my Strength or Craftiness. Not really any different from my usual job, then, except that I'm doing it from atop the Talisman Tower instead of under the sea in black R'lyeh.

Oh look, here comes a Chaos Dwarf who thinks he has what it takes to oppose Mighty Cthulhu. I've got to go, but before I do will you please lose D100 points of Sanity...

Guest spot: The Blog of Cthulhu

Hello. I am Mighty Cthulhu. I am a Great Old One, a baddy from the dawn of time. When the stars are right I will destroy the world and nom you all. Until then I stay on the sofa near the Buddha Cushion and am friends with Big Gay Longcat. I spend most of my time sleeping, or 'eternally lying' as I call it, sometimes watching TV with Longcat - I always root for the baddys.

Although I presently find myself in reduced circumstances while the stars are not right, do not make the mistake of thinking that I am cute.

I am not cute, I am Mighty!

Please now lose D100 points of Sanity.