Big Gay Longcat reviews The Lord of the Rings (1978)

There have been many attempts to adapt The Lord of the Rings book over the years. The best of these by far is the BBC's radio version from 1981, which is the best thing that has evar been made evar (except for cats). But just as The Hobbit book preceded Lord of the Rings, so too was there a film version that preceded the radio series, one that remains to this day the best and most faithful attempt at adapting the book to a visual medium. 

To see why I consider it to be much, much better than the 2001-2003 trilogy, let's look at the 1978 film of

Let's start with the theme music, which is just as brilliant in its own way as the theme from the radio series, although the two feel different because they are trying for different moods - this is upbeat and fun while still hinting at the epic scale of the story, while the radio theme emphasises the epic by making it clear that this is serious business.
I do like the 2001 film music as well - its ponderous grandeur is well-suited to the extreme length of those movies - but it is a distant third place.

The opening narration is very close to the radio's - so much so that I do not think it can be a coincidence:

"Long ago, in the early years of the Second Age, the great Elven smiths forged Rings of Power."

We are given an impression of the events described by the narrator, as indistinct figures act them out in front of a red background. This takes us from the forging of the Rings, through the Last Alliance, to the One Ring being found by Deagol. It is at this point that we first encounter Smeagol/Gollum, voiced by Peter Woodthorpe, the single most perfectly cast role of all time.

No exceptions.

No, not even Paul Darrow as Avon. I really mean this.

Bilbo finds the Ring and is chased off (without riddles) when he hears

"Thief! Baggins! Thief! It stole our precious, our precious, our birthday present... Thief! Baggins! We hates it forever!"

Only then does the narrator introduce Bilbo and the Shire, as the animation style changes from silhouette to the more cartoony cartoon in time for Bilbo's party.

"Proudfeet!"

Bilbo does his disappearing act and leaves the Ring to Frodo in an envelope after Gandalf threatens him. The dialogue is very condensed but still does a lot to establish both Bilbo and Gandalf's characters, and of course the influence of the Ring when Bilbo calls it his "precious," an echo of Gollum's earlier words.

Bilbo departs and there is a montage of the seasons changing to show the passing of the 17 years.

Frodo is having sleeps when Gandalf arrives and wakes him up (17 years is a long sleep even for a cat). Gandalf throws the Ring into the fire and then has to restrain Frodo from burning himself trying to retrieve it. He says the Ring is "altogether evil" even before he confirms it is the One Ring by seeing the letters, and then begins to tell Frodo about the history of the Ring. For some reason Sauron is incorrectly pronounced as Saw-ron in this film instead of Sour-on.

Gandalf speaks the rhyme

"One Ring to rule them all
One Ring to find them
One Ring to bring them all
And in the darkness bind them"

in an incredibly hammy way, then the scene cuts to the two of them walking outside where Gandalf tells Frodo more of the story, about Gollum being captured by Sawron so that Sawron knows the Ring has been found. Frodo offers to give the ring to Gandalf because he is "wise and powerful." Gandalf says no very emphatically, perhaps forgetting that Frodo gave him the ring mere moments earlier so that he could throw it into the fire.

Sam is hiding in some nearby bushes (for no readily discernible reason) and overhears them talking. Gandalf finds him and pulls him out. Sam looks and sounds very, very derpy in this film, an unflattering country-bumpkin-turned-up-to-eleven portrayal.

Sam says he heard them talk "about an enemy, and rings, and about Elves, sir," even though Elves were not mentioned once, a flaw in the way the dialogue of this scene has been edited down. Gandalf instructs Frodo and Sam to go to Rivendell while he goes "to consult with the wizard Aruman, the head of my order."

This is the first instance of Saruman being called Aruman within the film, possibly the single most baffling decision on the part of the filmmakers - vying only with the fact that sometimes they do call him Saruman! I have heard a theory that they thought the names Sauron/Sawron and Saruman were too similar, something that was joked about in the old webcomic DM of the Rings, and so tried changing Saruman to Aruman to make them a bit more different (although, if you're doing that, why would you not at least be consistent about it?) but if this is true then how stupid are these mannys if they get confused just because the names both start with S and end in N and both have As, Us and Rs in them? Did they also wonder why our heroes are fighting against Superman?

When Gandalf meets with Saruman at Orthanc (where he calls him Saruman not Aruman - the film has taken less than a minute to confuse itself), Saruman the White is dressed in red and purple robes. He reveals he is now "Saruman of Many Colours," the most fabulous of all wizards, and he attacks Gandalf with a special effect and traps him. Gandalf then calls him "Aruman" as he departs, the film contradicting itself within the space of a single scene.

Gandalf is suddenly not in the room anymore, the camera pulls out to reveal he is trapped on a high place - this scene is weirdly trippy but effective, especially aided by the dramatic music.

When we rejoin them, Frodo and Sam have already acquired Merry and Pippin, and they montage their way out of the Shire until the first encounter with the Black Rider. The four of them and their pony hide just out of camera shot as the Rider comes in.

The Black Riders are very scary in this film, shadowy and sinister with glowing red eyes, and aided by the incidental music that plays whenever they are present. The music is really pulling its weight in building up the atmosphere in this film.

Where has the pony got to? Is it like Optimus Prime's trailer and can just vanish when not needed?

After this encounter the scene skips on to the town of Bree, thus establishing the age-old tradition of completely excising Tom Bombadil from all adaptations of Lord of the Rings.

At the Prancing Pony inn there is an uncomfortable mixing of two animation styles, as the local extras do not match up with any of the named characters. Frodo sings his song and falls off the table to put his finger in it, and when confronted by a grumpy Barliman Butterbur they run off to their room to find Strider already there waiting for them.

Strider is voiced by John Hurt, who adds some much-needed class to the part to help distract from the fact that they have animated Strider without any trousers. However he's no Robert Stephens (the radio Strider), and here you are left with the constant nagging worry that Strider is always on the verge of warning the Hobbits not to die of ignorance.

Strider's first scene is a crucial one as he introduces himself and wins the Hobbits (and us) over to trusting him, overcoming the suspicions of Sam and Butterbur. The dialogue here feels authentic to the original book, although some omissions and rearrangements have been done to speed it up.

The Black Riders enter Bree on their horseys, and then they teleport to the room in the inn - do the nine rings also function like teleport bracelets?
I suspect this was just easier for them to animate, similar to the reason teleporters were first introduced into Star Trek.

They make the background go all red as they attack the beds, which only serves to make this scene even scarier, but of course Strider has outwitted them and they are very grumpy once they discover the deception. Though they sure showed those bedsheets a thing or two.

The film cuts to the party making their way through the Midgewater Marshes. Here we learn their pony is called Bill, although the reason for this is left out and, if we didn't know better, Bill would appear to be the same pony they have had with them all along.

There is a short montage of them travelling to Weathertop. For all the condensation of this film, there is still time for some world-building if it helps develop the characters, so as they camp we hear Strider tell a few lines of the tale of Beren and Luthien, with all its parallels with the present situation of Aragorn and Arwen... which is odd, considering Arwen has been cut from this film completely and there is no other reference to Strider's subplot.

"And Beren was a mortal man, but Luthien Tinuviel was the daughter of a king of Elves, and she was the fairest maiden that has been among all the children of this world. Yet she chose to be mortal, for him. And when he died, she followed him. And so he was her doom...
...But he was her love as well."

As Strider says that last line, Frodo and Sam look into each other's eyes in such a way as to launch a thousand ships.

The Black Riders manifest out of the night and attack Weathertop. Frodo is compelled to put the Ring on. Strider tries to stop him with a "No!" that wouldn't pass for a Big No among self-respecting action heroes in our postmodern world.

Frodo disappears into the trippy shadow world of the Black Riders where he can see them but they can see him. They have a slow-motion fight until Strider, still in the real world so still at full speed, chases them off with fire. But he is too late to stop Frodo from being stabbed by the Morgul-knife.

The next day they meet Legolas.

Now I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that they don't meet Legolas at this point in the book. They meet Goldilocks Glorfindel instead. The BBC radio adaptation preserved this, while the 2001 film The Fellowship of the Ring chose to replace him with Arwen. I would suggest that all of these approaches have their advantages and disadvantages.

Using Glorfindel is, of course, the truest to the original author's vision. It also adds an extra character who is both interesting (not to mention pretty cool) in his own right as well as drawing out character traits of our heroes by his interactions with them, plus he serves as a further bridge from the smaller-scale Book 1 stuff to the larger, more epic scale of the later Books.
On the other paw, for adaptations with restricted run-time, adding an extra character is not necessarily a good thing, so swapping in a preexisting character means one less that you have to introduce and spend time on (and one less actor you have to cast and pay).

Replacing Glorfindel's role with Arwen is a fine example of this. Arwen is a notoriously underdeveloped character, so swapping her for Glorfindel at least gives her something active to do in the story, and the fact that she shares all of these scenes with her love interest Strider is a bonus. Glorfindel is also a very minor character, so can be changed or removed without making a massive change to the overall plot - much less than if, say, Arwen had replaced one of the Fellowship of the Ring.
(As I have mentioned before, I think it would actually have been better if they had done it the other way around and replaced Arwen with Glorfindel throughout the remainder of the story.)

Given that the 1978 film appears to have cut Arwen as well, replacing Glorfindel with Legolas seems a sensible alternative. It helps introduce Legolas to us now, thus spreading out our meeting the rest of the Fellowship from what would otherwise be a single scene at Rivendell.

The Black Riders catch up with them just as they get to "the ford of Rivendell." They send Frodo ahead on the one horsey they have (I have to assume this is still Asfaloth and they haven't substituted Shadowfax in to keep the number of horsey characters down) but the Riders attack him with distorted landscapes and scary music to hold him back - actually representing how the influence of the shadow world is growing upon Frodo even without him having the Ring on.

...And if you weren't scared before now, you will be when they speak:

"Come back, to Mordor we will take you."

I'm going to need Scary Cat to help me with this bit for sure.

Black Riders on the storm.

The landscape goes even madder, replaced with a stormy sky. Frodo hears Gandalf's voice say

"Run, you fool, run!"

Is that maybe a bit Ben-Kenobi-telling-Luke-to-run-on-the-Death-Star? It's certainly not from the book, and this film could - just - have been influenced by Star Wars given its 1978 release date.

Frodo is pursued in and out of the real world until all nine Riders are behind him. He crosses the ford and still bravely defies them, so they begin to cross after him. Even their horseys have scary red eyes, the Black Riders are pretty impressive as baddys go. Although you could argue that perhaps it shouldn't take all nine of them to go after one Hobbit, that's less impressive. However it is necessary for the plot as that way they are all of them caught by the river rising against them, a pretty impressive sequence visually and a solid conclusion to Book 1.

The forces of Hoover were driven forever from the face of the living room by the valiant friends of Big Gay Longcat. As their gallant battle ended, so too ends the first great review of The Lord of the Rings.

You were magnificent!

Rest in peace Paul Darrow. Forever Avon.

Let's hope the rumours of death have been slightly greatly exaggerated.

Eurovision 2019

Yesterday saw the most fabulous Caturday night of the year as mannys once again held their Eurovision Singing Competition. We were all very excited cats here, but then the actual competition turned out to be well below the usual standard. Not universally though - the two campest and most colourful entries were saved until last, these being from Australia and Notorious Eurovision Cheats Spain.

Plus the Iceland entry was... certainly something.

On top of that, there were a couple of songs I liked, including the one from Switzerland.

But my favourite was Norway's entry, perhaps helped by their costumes reminding me of Blakes 7 - look at the mannys to the left and right and it's easy to imagine Avon dressed like that.

The biggest disappointment for us cats was not in the songs (we loved all of them really!) but in the voting. They changed the system a few years ago after a competition where the winner got such an early lead that it was clear they had won well before all the votes had been cast.

The way it works these days is that we spend ages watching all the countries of Eurovision taking turns to give their votes (and there are 41 of them so this is often a three sleeps event for cats), but then they render it a big waste of time by the second stage of voting, where great big blocks of seemingly arbitrary votes that have been cast by mannys using their 'phones are given out.

I don't doubt that these votes are being assigned fairly, but the process is completely opaque to viewers so they may as well be entirely random, and the only advantage (if you can call it that, mew) to using this system is that it manufactures tension when the final set of votes are read out, which the presenters try to milk like Greg Wallace announcing who has won a Masterchef programme... only the live broadcast nature of Eurovision makes it look like the presenters don't know what they're doing.

The Goodies in Seth Efrica

South Africa was the episode I was most looking forward to now that The Goodies has been released on DVD. I had previously seen several of their most famous episodes that had been put onto certain streaming websites (You know the ones I mean), but had missed this one.

Perhaps the mannys that did the uploading were shy about this one due to its controversial subject matter and, these days, its even more controversial way of tackling it. South Africa is a vicious, scathing satirical assault on the racist apartheid policies of South Africa at the time this was made, exemplified in the form of guest-star Philip "Solon" Madoc (Brain of Morbius was made less than a year after this), who is so racist that he paints Graeme's tie white and has to replace his own set of dark glasses with white ones.

It isn't remotely subtle (although it is very, very funny) but, like Star Trek's Let That Be Your Last Battlefield, it isn't trying to be - and would most certainly have been less powerful if it had tried to be.

Supposedly the BBC didn't want to broadcast this episode at all. But then, the BBC has a long history* of objecting to entertainment TV programmes getting involved with political issues - especially when they take sides against the conservative status quo.

I for one am glad it did go out, and is available to be seen today, as it will remain relevant so long as manny countries institute racist policies that resemble apartheid. It is only a shame that now, due to the different attitudes of the 1970s (when it was made) from today, some of its message is likely to be missed due to the presence in the episode of racist language, Black-and-White-Minstrel makeup, and the fact that all the main cast are white mannys.

Nevertheless, it is tough to imagine a modern-day mainstream entertainment TV programme that could produce an up-to-date equivalent that would both be as powerful and have the same audience reach. The unique "anything, anytime" format of The Goodies allowed them to tackle this subject matter for a single episode before moving on to something completely different the following week.


* Footnote for the benefit of posterity: This refers to an event topical to the week this article was written, whereby the BBC cancelled an episode of Have I Got News For You because - and this is their given reason - it was due to feature the leader of the Change UK Party when an election was only two weeks away. This was in the very same week as it prominently featured Nigel Farage, leader of the Brexit Party, on an edition of Question Time.

The Young Aragorn Son of Arathorn Chronicles

So are they still making this Lord of the Rings TV series that is supposed to be about the adventures of young Aragorn? If they are, I hope it is actually a detective series set in Middle-earth, where Aragorn uses his ranger skillz of tracking and herblore to solve crimes, a bit like Catfael used to.

Maybe they could pair him up with a several-thousand-years old elf in a classic chalk-and-cheese, rookie-and-veteran double act?
"I'm getting too old for this shit," says Glorfindel. And of course Elrond is their chief, which also works because of the awkward budding romance between rookie Aragorn and the chief's daughter Arwen.

Actually, what I really hope is that they are secretly making a series of Quenta Silmarillion, which could be truly great and genuinely epic if done well. I mean, who doesn't want to see Fëanor fighting a squad of balrogs, or Fingolfin's single combat with Morgoth, or the fall of Nargothrond and Gondolin, or Sauron getting beaten up by a doggy?

Big Gay Longcat reviews The Goodies: Kitten Kong

The most famous and beloved (at least among cats) episode of The Goodies, the original version of Kitten Kong was wiped, in a similar manner to early Doctor Who stories such as The Hall of Dolls or The Savages. Fortunately we still have the special edition from 1972, which won an award, showing that mannys can sometimes get it right... or maybe cats were the judges for the award, as should always be the case, mew.

It starts with the inferior version of the Goodies theme song that they used for the first two seasons. Then Bill is making noms when Tim and Graeme arrive back from the chess match they have been watching. The noms that Bill is making are for Bunter the guinea pig, who Bill is looking after because Bunter is not very well. Bill thinks he is "fed up of his usual diet" of "soggy lettuce and potato peelings" so has made him manny noms instead.

Tim and Graeme are also hungry, so Bill gives them soggy lettuce and potato peelings, lol. The comic reversal inherent in this situation thematically foreshadows what will occur in the second half of the episode.

Bill is being paid £30 for curing Bunter, and this gives Tim the idea of getting lots of animals to cure so they can get even more moneys. They set up a "Goodies Animal Clinic," and this leads in to a montage of Tim and Bill collecting lots of animals, over which the song Needed plays as incidental music - this is an irritating song that was used far too frequently in the first two seasons of The Goodies, and now I need to visit the Goodies Animal Clinic because I am sick of hearing it.

They put all the animals in a big hamper. and there are a number of visual gags about the animals all fighting or noming each other, and Tim wrestles with a massive snake. One of the animals is a tiny and super-cute kitten who mews very loudly, d'awwwww.

Back at the Goodies' office, Graeme has some other animals, including a "bush baby" who keeps sticking to Graeme's hands, making for a lovely running gag, and a vampire bat that is afraid of the dark and who attacks Graeme even though he says it is "lovely."

There are also two doggys that sing, although this is quite poorly achieved by dubbing a manny song over some manipulated footage of the doggys (in a similar way to the notorious double-taking pigeon scene in James Bond), making it one of the few gags that fails to work in this episode. I could have done it better.

However, things move swiftly on as we are properly introduced to the star of the show when Tim brings out the kitten from earlier. Graeme says his name is Twinkle and he is 23 years old.

Bill takes a doggy for a walk on a lead. Tim takes Twinkle out for a walk, also on a lead. And Graeme has a tortoise on a lead, although it doesn't do much walking, in spite of Graeme's best efforts.

They each try to get their animals to do exercise, with varying degrees of success. When Twinkle runs off he pulls Tim around after him, including dragging him along the ground when Tim falls over. This is a great scene, employing a lot of the Goodies' patented sped-up footage and camera trickery to create a number of sight gags. Eventually Twinkle runs up a tree and stays there mewing loudly.

This is the end of part one.

We then see a couple of fake adverts satirising real adverts of the early 1970s. Since the originals are long gone, these would be very badly dated anyway, but the second of them is for "Butch, the tobacco for men" and the joke here is essentially just "lol teh gays" as the punchline is nothing more than the suggestion that the two "butch" mannys (one of whom is Tim) are really gay. While not actively homophobic (it is not saying gays are bad), it is thoughtlessly using the mere existence of gay mannys as a punchline.

The inclusion of this sort of thing in what is otherwise the best ever episode of The Goodies shows that the programmes cannot escape being 'of their time,' with this sort of material having dated even more than the idea of advertising tobacco on TV.

Part two rejoins the plot with Tim still unsuccessfully trying to get Twinkle down from the tree. Bill and Graeme help, first by trying to tempt him down with noms, and then using a ladder. Bill gets Twinkle down eventually, but leaves Tim stuck up in the tree instead, lol.

In the next scene Bill and Graeme are both back at the office when Tim comes in and says he was up the tree for "four days." They show Tim that, in that time, Twinkle has grown to become a giant kitten.

Tim is scared, but we think Twinkle is still super-cute. Later on, Twinkle escapes after Bill puts him out for the night. This leads to an amusing bit of dialogue that also sets up the next bit of plot:

Graeme: "We've got to find him, and catch him before he eats someone he shouldn't."
Tim: "Ah, you mean 'something he shouldn't.'"
Graeme: "I know what I mean!"

They cycle around looking for Twinkle, who has left giant pawprints on the ground. The song that plays over this scene is Kitten Kong which is a favourite among us cats, although I have a suspicion that if it had been used as often as Needed then we'd be just as tired of it.

They find some mannys running away in terror and ask one of them for directions, then they see some doggys running away and do the same with one of them. They hear Twinkle's mewing, and then see him being all giant but still super-cute.

Tim's expression here as he looks back at the camera is particularly good, and helps to cover for the slightly unconvincing back projection.

They cycle back to their office and watch the news, where "Twinkle the giant kitten" is the top story. Michael Aspel reports on "day two of Twinkle's occupation of the city of London."

Twinkle knocks over the Post Office Tower (possibly saving the world from WOTAN, I don't know) in what is arguably the most iconic single image from The Goodies - it would go on the be prominently used in the series' title sequence for the rest of the 1970s - and instantly made Twinkle into one of the most famous cats in the whole world.

Take that, Cybermannys!

Then Twinkle steps on Michael Aspel, lol.

Graeme has an antidote to his "growth mixture" in a giant needle. They disguise themselves as mouses for the next part of his plan.

"I expect this is a silly question, but why are we dressed as mice?"
"Because cats eat mice."

Graeme's right - we do. You can tell he's the clever one.

Twinkle sneaks up on them...

...and then chases them. They turn their trandem into a hot air balloon and fly up to Twinkle. Bill falls off and gets captured in a giant paw, a clear homage to the original King Kong, but then Graeme manages to inject Twinkle and he become little again. Aww. Twinkle's reign of super-cute terror was beautiful but, alas, all too brief.

The Goodies are celebrating when Graeme accidentally punctures their balloon with his needle and they go out of control, then they get stuck on the nose of a plane until it lands.

The next scene sees them back in their office, where they discover mouses have been noming the growth mixture while they were out dealing with Twinkle, and then giant mouses break through the walls to scare them.

The episode ends with them desperately shouting "feed the cat!" as they try to get Twinkle to be giant again so that he can pounce on the mouses, lol.

Cat Science