Friday, 8 July 2016
Mission: Impossible - The Brexit, part three
"Welcome to 'Vote Leave' Boris, it's great to have you on board."
"Thanks, Michael, it's great to be here. You know I have always been against the European Union, don't you?"
"Of course, that's why you wrote all those fantastic stories about their regulating the permissible curvature of bananas and how much bureaucratic legislation they have concerning cabbages. I love the way you skilfully combined outright lies with complete untruths. Now please let me introduce you to our fellow 'Leaver' leaders, as we call ourselves, heh heh. First, this is Nigel Farage."
"Delighted to meet you Boris. Mine's a pint."
"Hello Nigel. I saw you on the BBC News the other day. And the day before that. And the day before that. In fact you're on the news more often than the weather forecast - that's a real gift for free publicity you have there."
"I know. The secret is that they're a public service broadcaster, which means they have to give both sides of any dispute equal airtime, and because hardly anyone agrees with me on anything that means just about any subject I pick. Cheers!"
"Ahem. And, Boris, this is our newest recruit here at Project Leave, Ms Andrea Leadsom."
"Good day to you, Mr Johnson."
"Ding dong! Good day to you, Miss Leadsom. What's a nice girl like you doing in a shadowy cabal like this?"
"Mr Gove, now that the introductions are out of the way, can we kindly get on and discuss strategy?"
"Certainly, Ms Leadsom. I propose that Nigel suggests that, if we leave the European Union, we will be able to cut our immigration from Europe by perhaps up to 10%.
Meanwhile Boris and I will point out that, due to our strong economy, we give the European Union more money than we receive from it, and offer to use some of that money - in the event of a Leave vote - on our National Health Service, as well as continuing to fund all European Union-backed projects in our country.
And you can maybe hint at us scaling back on some of the obsolete or unnecessary legislation that the European Union has imposed on us over the 40 years of membership. What do you think?"
"You fool Gove! Don't you know anything about politics? Didn't you just say that you admired Boris's ability to lie about the European Union?"
"Er, what do you suggest then, Andrea?"
"That we lie, and lie, and lie again. First, Nigel must promise to close our borders completely - no more immigrants ever, not from the European Union nor anywhere else! That's the way to get the Little Englanders on our side!
Second, promise £350 million for the Health Service. I know that's all the money we send the European Union (even before the rebate), and you know it, but Joseph Q Public doesn't know that, does he? The bigger the figure, the more they'll sit up and take notice... and what they notice will outrage them! Plus, anyone who argues the amount is open to being accused of not caring for our beloved NHS.
And thirdly - legislation schmedgislation - make it about sovereignty! We're taking back control. Control of our country. Anyone who opposes that is nothing less than a traitor!
That, gentlemen, is how we're going to win this referendum. Be bold. Be belligerent. But above all - be blatant!"