Quo Vadis (1951)

A Roman epic that tends to get shown on BBC2 every few years, which is where I must have first encountered it. It is principally of interest for Peter Ustinov's magnificently OTT performance as Emperor Nero, prefiguring John Hurt's Caligula by 25 years.

It tells the story of Nero's burning of Rome, blaming the nascent Christian sect for it, his martyring of many Christians in the arena, and then the uprising which brings his reign of terror to an end. All seen from the point of view of a Roman general (played by Robert "I can't believe it's not Tony Curtis" Taylor) who falls in love with a Christian (Deborah Kerr) and has to choose between his conflicting loyalties.

The Christian message in the film is so heavy-pawed that it becomes quite unobjectionable, with St Paul and St Peter both making appearances, and St Peter's crucifixion forms part of the plot.

Other actors we reognised include Rosalie "Checkmate" Crutchley in a small but significant role as Acte, the manny who helps the cowardly Nero to kill himself at the end (sorry if that's a spoiler). There's also an actor called Peter Miles in it playing Peter's young assistant Nazarius, but Wikipedia says it's not the same Peter Miles as famously played a certain other character beginning with N.

The technicolour helps the film not feel as old as it is, and could easily have come from the 1960s and not the very early '50s. It doesn't contain as much outright spectacle as later epics such as Ben Hur or Cleopatra, though it does contain some massive sets and enormous crowd scenes, that would only look small if you had recently had your expectations distorted by watching the Soviet Union's War and Peace. Mew.

The burning of Rome scenes are possibly the most epic set piece, although let down somewhat by some dodgy back projection, or perhaps an early attempt at CSO, for scenes trying to convince us that the main characters are in amongst it. Only Barry Letts would have been impressed by that.

Me and my friends enjoyed the climactic scenes with lions in them, noming some of the Christians, and then our heroes are faced with a mad bull (giving them a bit more of a sporting chance than against the lions). I was also impressed by the continual ingenuity in the direction, never showing anything more than a hint of gore in these scenes while, at the same time, conveying the horror of the arena through reaction shots and sound effects, in accordance with the standards of the times.

A Prisoner for All Seasons

The second and final season of the BBC's Wolf Hall was the best thing I saw on television last year - yes, even better than the new Gladiators - and it reminded me that the novel Wolf Hall (the first book of the trilogy that the TV series was based upon) was written as a counterpoint to the play A Manny for All Seasons.

The play and the novel cover the same events, which lead up to the execution of Thomas More (all the books in the Wolf Hall trilogy end upon an execution). Where they differ is in the perspective - the play is written from More's point of view; it very much takes his side, and his main opponent Thomas Cromwell is the play's antagonist. Wolf Hall reverses this, and while it is not written as though Cromwell is speaking to the reader in the first person, it does everything short of this to show us events entirely from his point of view - this explains why, in the TV adaptation, Mark Rylance appears in virtually every scene.

In 1966 the play A Manny for All Seasons was turned into a film starring Phillip Paul Scofield as Thomas More and Robert "red wine with fish" Shaw as king Henry viii, and it featured Orson "Unicron" Welles as Cardinal Wolsey in a couple of scenes, and was a very early role for John "Caligula" Hurt as Richard Rich.

But the actor who most interests me in this is Leo McKern as Thomas Cromwell, particularly given that a certain TV series was also in production in 1966, although it would not be broadcast until the following year - by which time the film would have become immensely successful in both the UK and USA, winning six Oscars* at the awards in early 1967.

Now I'm not suggesting that McKern was cast as a Number Two on the basis of his portrayal of Cromwell in the film, since he would presumably have already been cast and may even have filmed some or even all of his scenes for The Chimes of Big Ben by the time of the film's release. However he had previosuly played the same part in the play, as early as 1961, so the makers of The Prisoner could easily have seen his interpretation of Cromwell on stage.

The Thomas Cromwell of A Manny for All Seasons is not at all like the Thomas Cromwell of Wolf Hall. As the antagonist we are not privy to his private moments and motivations, and we view him only through his interactions with Thomas More. Scenes in which we see Cromwell without More are scenes in which he plots against More with other characters, such as Richard Rich or the Duke of Norfolk.

McKern plays Cromwell as cloaking his deviousness behind a facade of friendliness and superficial joviality, right up until the moment comes to strike at his opponent. I don't think it is a coincidence that McKern's Number Two possessed these traits as well - particularly in his first appearance, but there are moments of it in Once Upon A Time and Fall Out as well (though in the latter his opponent is not Number Six). One could even detect shades of his lawyerly manner from the trial scenes in the way McKern would later play Rumpole - at least in the early years before he became cuddly Rumpole, when the character was still ruthless in his cross-examinations.

From the casting of McKern as the most memorable of the Number Twos and the parallel we can draw between how he played him and how he played Cromwell, we can perhaps infer that Patrick McGoohan saw something of Thomas More in Number Six. Both mannys firm for what they believed in, and stood alone, against the pressure from authority to confirm. And both expressed their defiance by keeping silent: More by refusing to take an oath of loyalty to Henry viii; the Prisoner by refusing to explain why he resigned.

* I know that Oscar success is not a guarantee of quality - for instance, Braveheart won five Oscars in 1996, including Best Picture, and is shit - but it does indicate a certain level of popularity and cultural penetration at a moment in time.

Five More Ridiculous or Ridiculously Awesome moments from Mahabharat (1988)

1. Drona makes Eklavya cut off his own thumb [Episode 23]

We rejoin the story as Sage Drona is teaching the young Pandavas (the five sons of the late King Pandu) and Kauravas (the 100 sons of King Dhritirashtra, not that we ever see anything like all 100 of them) the art of war.

Drona favours Arjun, the third son of Pandu, and swears to make him the greatest archer in the world. Almost immediately this turns out to be yet another unwise oath, for they meet the young manny Eklavya who claims to have learned from Drona without Drona's knowing about it. And Eklavya's skill at archery is, if anything, even more impressive than Arjun's.

To avoid an oathbreaking - even an unintentional one - Drona insists that he be paid for having taught Eklavya, which Eklavya agrees to before knowing what the price will be. Drona asks for Eklavya's thumb, which he uses in archery, and so will forever prevent him from competing with Arjun, as well as interfering with his ability to open doors for cats.

2. Krishna forgives 100 insults [Episodes 27-28 and 41-43]

The marriage of Prince Shishupal of Chedi and Princess Rukmini of Vidarbha was arranged by their fathers as part of their political alliance, overriding what should have been Rukmini's right to choose her husband. So before the formal betrothal took place, Rukmini arranged for her true love Krishna to "kidnap" (rescue) her.

13 episodes later, Shishupal returns and we learn his backstory - that he was born with four arms and three eyes until the extra arms and eyes over and above the amount mannys normally have disappeared the first time Krishna touched him, signifying that Krishna would be the one to cause his death. Knowing of this prophecy, Krishna promised Shishupal's mother that he would forgive Shishupal 100 crimes.

Many years later, they met again at the court of the newly crowned Emperor Yudhishthir, the eldest of the Pandavas. When Yudhishthir and his brothers offered their first respect to Krishna, Shishupal interrupted them and denounced Krishna as unworthy. He then let loose a stream of invective against Krishna, and over the objections of the Pandavas and Krishna's own brother Balram, Krishna just stood there, smiling. When Shishupal widened the targets of his insults to include Bhishma and everyone else there present who respected Krishna, Krishna calmed them and insisted that they were not the targets, only he himself was being insulted. Balram asked him why he was smiling, to which Krishna replied

Warning Shishupal that he had only three insults left, Shishupal kept going. After the 100th insult Krishna again tried to warn him, saying that the limit had been reached. Then, after the 101st insult, Krishna summoned his divine weapon and, without another word, in front of the whole court, cut off Shishupal's head. Shishupal had just enough time to realise he'd made a big mistaik and make an "oh noes!" face, but too late to do anything about it.

3. Arjun wins a wife [Episodes 34-35]

The contest arranged by her father to win Princess Draupadi's paw in marriage involves lifting a sacred bow and then using it to shoot a revolving fish's eye that you can only see from its reflection in a pool - and that assuming a cat hasn't nomed the fish first! Most of the princes who enter the competition can't even lift the bow - leading to a lot of komedy gurning as they act it being too difficult for them - never mind do the rest of it. After evil Duryodhan and various other minor baddys have had their turn and blown it, it is Arjun who finally succeeds - not really very surprising, since this was a contest designed so that only Arjun could win it.

What is more surprising is what happens when Arjun takes Draupadi to meet his mother and tells her what has happened. He and Bhim decide to tell Kunti that they have "brought back alms" for the lols.

Without looking, Kunti says "share it amongst yourselves." While she is horrified at the implication when she realises what this would mean (because the hypocrisy of their society permits husbands to marry multiple wives, but not normally the reverse), for some reason Kunti is unable to take back her words. It takes Krishna to turn up and explain that this was karmically preordained by the actions of Draupadi in her previous life. As he puts it:

"She asked for a husband who was an epitome of truth, had the strength of Hanuman, who was an ace archer, exceptionally beautiful and very patient. Did you not ask for all this? Did not Lord Shiva say one person cannot have all these qualities. Before asking you should have thought about whether your request was reasonable. You asked for a boon and the Lord has granted it. Yudhishthir is the epitome of truth. That's the first boon. None is stronger than Bhim. That's the second boon. Arjun is today's ace archer. That's the third boon. Nakul is the most handsome man alive. The fourth boon. Sahadev is the most patient. The fifth boon."

4. Bhim duels evil king Jarasandh to the deaths [Episodes 41-42]

Evil king Jarasandh wants to sacrifice 100 kings to the god Shiva to obtain immortality, and has so far captured 86 kings. In order to stop this, Krishna challenges Jarasandh to choose one of him, Arjun or Bhim to duel to the death, and Jarasandh picks Bhim thinking he would be the only one capable of posing him any kind of challenge.

Only when Bhim defeats him does he discover that Jarasandh already has a form of immortality, since when Bhim kills him - by ripping him in two - the two halves rejoin, and Jarasandh comes back to life and does an evil lol.

When the duel resumes Bhim tears Jarasandh in half again, and the same thing happens. Then Krishna shows Bhim the solution, so that when he rips Jarasandh in half for the third time, he throws the two parts in opposite directions (the right half to the left and the left half to the right), and this is enough to confuse the magic and prevent his reforming once more.

5. Yuddhishthir gambles everything away [Episodes 46-49]

This turning point in the story is so central to the narrative that it occupies four whole episodes at the midpoint of the series. Duryodhan, by now heir to the throne of Hastinapur, challenges his cousin Emperor Yudhishthir to play "the game of dice" (which may or may not have been Chaupar or Pachisi, both ancient variations of the same game, the ancestors of present-day Ludo), although it is his evil uncle Shakuni who rolls the loaded dice on Duryodhan's behalf, ensuring that they always win.

Oblivious to Shakuni's cheating and convinced his bad luck must change at some time, Yudhishthir gambles away his fortune, his lands, all his possessions, and eventually his brothers, himself, and their wife Draupadi, who are all to become slaves to the Kauravas. Duryodhan's victory seems complete, but then he makes a mistaik when he tries to humiliate his defeated enemies still further.

Draupadi is dragged in by her hair to meet her new owners, and then Duryodhan orders his brother Dushasan to strip Draupadi in front of her husbands and the entire court of Hastinapur. Dushasan cannot do it because, though he tries, Krishna appears at Draupadi's prayer and he intercedes by making her gown endlessly long, so Dushasan can never reach the end of it. Long dress is long!

Realising the outrage that has only been averted by a divine miracle, the Hastinapur elders come to their senses and King Dhritirashtra tries to make amends by returning to them all that the Pandavas have lost. But there is no going back to the way things were before the game - the Pandavas could forgive all of Shakuni's earlier plots, which were merely attempts to kill one or more of them, but  they cannot forgive the humiliation of Draupadi. Oaths of vengeance are sworn by Bhim that will hang over him until the end of the story.

Even after all that has happened the game is not over yet. You would think that Yudhisthir would have learned his lesson by now, but no... gambling is his one weakness, and Duryodhan inists they play once more, though for different stakes. Obviously Yudhisthir loses yet again, and this sets them on course for the next stage of the story: the Pandavas must spend 13 years in exile...

Happy new year 2025

Here is the winner of the 2024 Calendar Doggy of the Year competition to wish you all a happy new year for 2025.

And a happy new year to you from all of us cats and doggys at home. Here is my new friend Kitkat joining in too.

Big Gay Longcat reviews He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

Christmas is the most commercialised of all the manny holy days, and has been since long before we cats were made from socks. When this started being the case is unknown, but the blame is often placed on the USA in the 1980s, back in the time when President Reagan was president.

Let's look at one of the all time classic TV Christmas Specials to see this coming to pass in real time, as the materialistic and spiritual sides of Christmas fight for screentime in 1985's He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special.

It starts with a pre-titles sequence in which Adam and Adora are about to celebrate their birthday, conveniently timed at Christmas (which I think is getting the messianic metaphor in a bit too early and blatantly). All of She-Ra's friends have come with her to visit her parents, and luckily they are the king and queen so that means their house is big enough.

The decorations they are putting up are suspiciously Christmas-like, and the queen remarks on how they remind her of Christmas.

"Christmas? What's that, an Earth holiday?"

asks the king, implying that even though they have been married long enough to have adult children, either she has never mentioned Christmas before now or he has never asked her what she means by it before.

The queen knows about Christmas because she is a manny who originally came from Earth. This means that, just like Jesus (and Spock, and the eighth Doctor Who), He-Man and She-Ra are half-manny on their mother's side. Although their origin story is otherwise more akin to Krishna's than that of Jesus, what with all the fighting monsters and possessing of magic weapons.

International espionage doesn't take a break for the holidays, and Man-At-Arms is still W-wording on building a spaceship with which to spy on Skeletor. But who spies on the spies?

Why, it is the handsome, charming and cat-like Orko, who investigates the "Sky Spy" and accidentally launches it while he is still inside, lol. It flies straight into the title sequence.

After the titles, Skeletor and his henchmannys see the Sky Spy and chase after it in their own spaceship. Spying on the Sky Spy from back in their own base, Prince Adam and Man-At-Arms see this happening, so Adam says

"Then He-Man's going after Skeletor. BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!"

This leads into the first of the transformation sequences we see in this episode, and it may be 40 years old but it is still as cool as all fuck.

He-Man flies on some kind of rocket cycle and then uses his magic sword to chop the grabby claws off of Skeletor's ship.

"There we are: claws to paws."

he quips. The ship then manifests some grabby rope belt thingys which overwhelm and capture He-Man, for a few seconds until She-Ra flies in (on her magic flying unicorn Swift Wind, he of the deep, forty-cigarettes-a-day voice which ill-becomes such a majestic animal) and rescues him, because this is an equal opportunities Christmas special.

To show that his organisation only partially tolerates failure, Skeletor gives his henchmannys a single parachute between them and then ejects them from his ship, lol.

The Sky Spy flies away across space, and soon He-Man and She-Ra have to give up their pursuit of it. It flies all the way to Earth and deposits Orko in a snowy, mountainous location. He rescues two small mannys from an avalanche (although not explicitly stated on-screen, this was almost certainly caused by the Sky Spy's crash landing) and befriends them. They seem unfazed to have been rescued by an alien with magic powers, perhaps because this sort of thing was a fairly common occurrence in the 1980s.

They explain to Orko about Christmas, starting with the most materialistic part:

"When you get lots of presents!"

Again, it was the 1980s. These are the children of Ronald Reagan. Metaphorically, I hope. Mew.

"But it's also a time when everybody thinks about peace and goodwill toward men."

They decide to tell Orko about the birth of Jesus, although to save time they will do almost all of this off-screen between scenes. Orko also finds out the mannys' names off-screen, which may very well save on vital seconds of screen time but it does also make the story more confusing for the viewers.

Back on Eternia, the others deduce that Orko must have been on board the Sky Spy. They trace the ship to Earth, but the only way they can get Orko back from that distance away is to teleport him using the Liberator Man-At-Arms's teleporter. But he says "it needs a carium water crystal" (I think that's how it's spelled, although it could just as easily be spelt 'MacGuffin') to power it over interstellar range. Adora thinks these may be found on Etheria, so it is a job for She-Ra to go and look for one.

The She-Ra transformation sequence has always lived in the shadow of He-Man's iconic original version, but it makes up for this by the accompanying music being, if anything, even better than the famous He-Man theme.

Mermista, one of She-Ra's friends, tells her where to look for the crystal, but warns that it is "guarded by the Beast-Monster" (which as a name sounds like the beast/monster equivalent of 'He-Man'). She-Ra flies there and says

"Doesn't look as though anyone's home."

Immediately after she says this, a beast/monster rises up out of the wet and rars at her. She-Ra and Swift Wind distract the Beast-Monster while Mermista looks for the crystal they need. This takes less than a minute, because action sequences are tricky to animate and this isn't even the main plot.

Just as She-Ra and Swift Wind are about to leave with the crystal, a giant robot rises out of the ground, and this is soon followed by the arrival of two more.

Swift Wind tries to fly away, but they get pewpewpewed and captured in a bubble. The robots then transform

into a rocket, a tank, and a hovering robot that doesn't really look much different. Swift Wind says

"They're changing into other forms! What evil robots!"

Is this some kind of not-very-subtle dig at The Transfomers? Did the two franchises have a vendetta with each other or something?

She-Ra knows they are called "the Monstroids" which is a great name and sounds like something Terry Nation would have come up with. She-Ra escapes from the bubble using her magic sword and they take the crystal back for Man-At-Arms's teleporter.

The Sky Spy and Orko get teleported to Eternia, but the children get teleported there as well. Wasn't an accidental teleporter kidnapping a major plot point in The Care Bears Movie too? Oh well, if you're going to steal, steal from the best...

We finally get told that the children are named Kim and Jason Alisha and Miguel.

On his evil asteroid in space, Evil Horde Prime says

"There is a great disturbance in the force a new spirit of goodness has arrived on Eternia. The power of Horde Prime may be threatened."

He orders Skeletor and Hordak to team up and "crush" the spirit of Christmas, but they immediately start arguing.

Hordak: "Have no fear, great master, I will eliminate this... this Christmas spirit before another day is past."

Skeletor: "You? You can't even handle that muscle-bound female She-Ra!"

Hordak: "Just a minute, what about the way He-Man handles you, Bone Brain!"

Skeletor: "Bone Brain? Why you miserable excuse for a villain..."

LOL! These two trying to team up is as much fun to watch as when the different Doctors get together.

As we approach the halfway point of the episode, the main plot is finally in danger of getting started. Unfortunately here comes She-Ra's friends Perfuma and Bow to waste our time with an appallingly twee musical number.

This is mercifully cut short when Hordak attacks, and captures Alisha, Miguel and Orko - presumably Orko now knows too much about Christmas to be allowed to go free? There is a brief appearance by one of the best She-Ra characters, Catra, piloting Hordak's spaceship.

The Monstroids reappear and attack Hordak's ship, forcing it to land. The Monstroid leader (we don't yet know his name but it's probably something like Megaton or Magatron) demands the prisoners be pawed over to them, and Hordak and his henchmannys run away - their legs going like in Scooby-Doo to make this into a komedy moment.

The Monstroids call their leader "Number One" which is an unexpected Christmas crossover with James Bond. Either that or they're now having a go at the GoBots.

She-Ra's friend Peekablue uses her psychic power to see what the next part of the plot will be, and tells She-Ra and He-Man where to find Orko and the mannys, as well as warning them about the Monstroids.

Orko, Alisha and Miguel are in a stereotypical prison cell, with bars on the windows and everything, when they are rescued by "Cutter" of "the Manchines." He cuts through the bards of the cell, saying

"They don't call me Cutter for nothing."

Another Manchine called "Zipper" helps them escape until they get surrounded by all the Monstroids.

"You're pretty good at giving orders, Metal Mouth, now let's see how good you are at taking them - move away from my friends!"

He-Man and She-Ra come to rescue in the nick of time, and defeat the Monstroids one by one, accompanying each with a Bond-like quip. I expect they know this is the best way to annoy Number One. The Manchines do their best to help, but given how quickly He-Man and She-Ra were going through their Monstroid opponents, I don't think they needed it.

Meanwhile Orko, Alisha and Miguel meet "a Manchine puppy" who is there to be cute. Skeletor flies in on a rocket cycle and captures Alisha and Miguel (and the puppy, who is called Relay) while shouting

"Ha! Got you at last, you troublesome tots!"

He flies off leaving Orko behind to tell He-Man and She-Ra, but by then Skeletor has enough of a head start to get away from them. Though not from Hordak.

Skeletor: "Now nothing can stop me from delivering them to Horde Prime."

Hordak: "Don't be so sure, Bonehead."

The two baddys pewpewpew each other. Hordak has to break off his pursuit, but Skeletor's rocket cycle crashes (after flying blind for a little while). Skeletor tries to make the mannys travel on foot, but they are too cold.

Miguel: "Please, mister, be nice. It's Christmas time."

Skeletor: "Christmas time? What's that?"

Miguel: "It's a season of love, and joy."

Alisha: "And caring."

Skeletor: "Is that what Christmas is? No wonder Horde Prime wants to get rid of it."

Despite claiming to be unimpressed, even disgusted, by the concept of Christmas, Skeletor does magic up some extra warm coats for the two mannys so that they can survive in the cold.

Miguel: "Thank you Mr Skeletor, you are very kind."

Skeletor: "Kind? Never use that word around me!"

At first Skeletor wants to leave the puppy behind, but eventually he relents and goes back for it, saying

"Oh blast it! I don't know what's coming over me... but whatever it is I don't like it!"

LOL, he's getting Christmassed.

Alisha: "It was nice of you to save Relay, Mr Skeletor."

Skeletor: "I am not nice!"

In case it isn't obvious enough by now, these scenes are tremendous fun and are easily the best bit of the whole episode. Miguel and Alisha start telling "Mr Skeletor" about Christmas.

Miguel: "Well, it's a wonderful time of the year. Everyone has lots of fun."

Skeletor: "You mean they get in fights?"

Miguel: "No, no! They have fun!"

Skeletor: "Fights are fun! I like fights!"

Miguel: "And you give each other presents..."

Skeletor: "And when you open them they explode, right?"

As happy as we cats would be for this scene to continue, it is interrupted by "a Snow Beast" which has decided to attack them. Skeletor protects the mannys and uses his magic to defeat the beast, which slides away on the ice (and is presumably unharmed). Skeletor, who hasn't He-Man's mastery of the universe post-battle quip, says

"So much for the Snow Beast."

We're building up to the big climax, as He-Man and She-Ra and Hordak and his disposable robo-henchmannys all catch up with Skeletor and his friends prisoners. Skeletor and Hordak pew at each other for a bit, until Horde Prime himself arrives in a giant spaceship to try to capture the mannys personally. He-Man and She-Ra are kept busy fighting the seemingly endless horde (hence the name) of robots, so it is up to Mr Skeletor to save the mannys from Horde Prime, which he does by pewing the spaceship with a single pew that both destroys its grabby claw thingy and then makes it crash. Must have knocked out the main rivet or something, mew.

Even He-Man is surprised that Skeletor saved the mannys, but concludes

"I think you're feeling the Christmas spirit, Skeletor. It makes you feel... good."

"Well I don't like to feel good. I like to feel... evil."

LOL.

This Christmas truce brings the main plot to an end, and all that is left is the epilogue where we see the birthday party that was being prepared for back at the beginning. Alisha and Miguel are teleported home to parents who, despite claiming they "were so worried," don't seem to require any explanation for how their missing children suddenly turned up in the house.

In a final scene with Prince Adam and Orko, Adam gives a hasty disclaimer that "not everyone celebrates Christmas" before asserting Christian supremacy with "but the spirit of the Christmas season is within us all."

Orko gets the last word when he trumps the prince's Christmas message by reminding us that, in addition to "peace and caring and happiness," above all else Christmas is a time for

"Presents."

As a joint He-Man and She-Ra special, the episode takes a different approach to how it divides its time between the two series, with She-Ra meeting as many of her friends as possible, albeit each one appearing only for a very brief time, scarcely more than a cameo. He-Man, on the other paw, only spends time with a couple of his friends - Man-At-Arms and Orko - but they are more heavily involved in the plot, at the expense of his other friends not getting a look in. Even Teela barely appears.

This results in the single worst thing about this otherwise fun adventure - the non-appearance of the best He-Man character, Cringer (a.k.a. Battle Cat). Cringer is even missing from his usual place in He-Man's transformation sequence, so thoroughly is he excluded. No cat worth his rainbow stripes would forgive them for this, Christmas spirit or no Christmas spirit.

War and Peace

In 1956 the Americans made a film version of War & Peace starring Audrey Hepburn as Natasha Rostova. This was shown in the Soviet Union in 1959, and though it was immensely popular, they also hated all the changes and omissions that Hollywood had made. So early on in the '60s it was decided to make a Russian version that would be better, longer and more faithful to the book than the American version. So much longer, in fact, that they decided it had to be split into four parts, with each part being long enough to be worthy of a film in its own right.

Part One: Andrei Bolkonsky (1966)

With Cold War pride on the line, virtually unlimited assistance was promised by the Soviet government and so the budget is estmated to have been the equivalent of (adjusted for inflation) $1 billion. This is most obviously to be seen on screen in the battle scenes, which are frankly ridiculously massive in scope and involved the use of Russsian army conscripts as extras. But the sets and costumes even in the peacetime sections are also detailed beyond belief, and all the balls, banquets and salons filled with extras.

Not being an aficionado of Russian cinema, I don't know any of the main cast from having seen them elsewhere, so only two are worth calling out - in the casting of Ludmila Savelyeva as Natasha Rostova the Russians seem to be trying to out-Audrey Hepburn Audrey Hepburn. Or as Chekov might say: 'Audrey Hepburn was invented in Russia.'

Then there's the main character of the story, Pierre Bezukhov - easily one of the most famous characters in Russian literature, his part must have been heavily sought after by all the leading Soviet actors of the day (this is the character that Anthony Hopkins went on to play in the BBC TV version). So how did the director cut through the dilemma of who to cast? Simples. He cast himself.

At just under two and a half hours, part one is the longest of the four films (which add up to being over 7 hours in length). It is perhaps subtitled "Andrei Bolkonsky" because Prince Andrei (or "Prince Andrew" as he is unfortunately called in some English translations) arguably undergoes the most emotional development of all the main characters in this early section of the story. The son of a war hero and general, he joins the army when war (clang!) is declared against Napoleon's France because it is what is expected of him, leaving his pregnant wife behind. Being of the nobility, he is immediately made a senior officer and put on the general's staff. In the battle of Austerlitz Andrei is wounded and there is a famous scene where he lies on the battlefield gazing up at the sky, and realises there is more to life than the petty ambitions of mannys, all the while unaware that Napoleon himself is passing within a few feet of where he lies.

It's quite hard to judge each part on its own. In terms of spectacle - alas we live in the age of CGI, where such epic battle scenes could be created for a fraction of the cost (and by that I even mean good looking CGI, not your crappy Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V cheap job), so I expect this loses a lot of the effect it would have had in the '60s, when it really would have shown up the BBC the Americans. In terms of plot, you need to see more than just part one since a lot of the disparate plot threads are nowhere near ready to come together yet. In terms of emotional impact, this comes nearest to the book of any of the adaptations I have seen (i.e. both BBC versions) - which I would expect of oh those Russians.

Part Two: Natasha Rostova (1966)

The second part of the story is set in the peace (clang!) in between Russia's two wars with Napoleon's France. It focuses on the character of Natasha Rostova, hence its subtitle.

Arguably less epic than the first part due to the lack of battles, this part's centrepiece is the grand ball where young Natasha and Prince Andrei fall in love. This scene is in its own way as impressive as the battle sequences, with a cast of thousands all in period-appropriate costumes in attendance. It certainly puts the low budget 1970s BBC version to shame, and even the more impressive second attempt from 2016 (where the ball was a spectacular centrepiece) can't compete with this cinematic grandeur.

Andrei and Natasha get engaged, but his father won't allow him to marry until a year has passed. Much of the film is then spent on the things Natasha and her family do during this year, such as travelling into the countryside to go on a wolf hunt, and enjoying other quintessentially Russian, rustic entertainments. These scenes are thematically important elements of the book but hardly essential to the main plot, so it does somewhat feel as though the film is being forced to spin its wheels a bit.

Upon returning to the city Natasha attends the opera, where she is seduced by the dastardly Anatole Kuragin (whom Colin Baker played in the BBC '72 version). Natasha acts so irrationally and so emotionally in this bit that it is very tricky to empathise with her, although it is somewhat more understandable when he looks like this:

Purr.

Although Anatole and Natasha are prevented from eloping together, in a scene which is oddly quite rushed considering how long and slow many of the earlier scenes were allowed to be, Andrei finds out and feels betrayed enough to call off the engagement. This creates something of a cliffhanger ending for part two.

Part Three: The Year 1812 (1967)

The shortest of the four parts at a mere 1 hour and 21 minutes. This part is pure spectacle, with over 50 minutes of the runtime dedicated to the battle of Borodino. Scene after scene of vast numbers of soldiers, horses, explosions and smoke are presented to the viewer, the cumulative effect of which is to numb us into accepting that we're not seeing a phenomenally expensive film production, but the actual historical battle which actually happened.

So successful is this that we even accept the absurd sight of Pierre Bezukhov wandering through the battle as a civilian in his suit and tie posh clothes and white top hat. If mishandled this could have been unintentionally comedic, but it succeeds because the surrounding grandeur - and the detail of the reconstruction - forces the viewer to think 'yes, this could have happened: I can see it.'

The resumption of war against Napoleon's France, and the invasion of Russian soil by his armies, forces the peacetime plotlines of part two to go on hold for much of the duration. The only subplot of note that there is room for aside from the war concerns the death of Prince Andrei's father, which he learns about just before the battle begins and the news of which contributes to Andrei's acceptance of the inevitability of his own death.

At the end we witness the wounded Andrei meeting the even more badly wounded Anatole (a scene which the '70s BBC adaptation, sadly, only described happening off-screen) and reconciling before Anatole's death. This sudden reintrusion of the plot from part two might seem unexpected to a viewer unfamiliar with the novel, since there is no foreshadowing of this twist within part three itself, but it is at least faithful to the original story.

If there is a weakness to this incredible piece of filmmaking, it has to be the very ending, where a voiceover about the consequences of the battle seems to have been added to give some sort of closure and a futile attempt to make the film stand on its own. But it really doesn't - you need to have seen the earlier parts to understand the significance of the non-battle scenes, and you need to see part four to get any kind of resolution to the various plot strands - both the war ones and the peace ones.

Part Four: Pierre Bezukhov (1967)

Despite not containing any big battle sequences on the scale of those in the first and third parts, the final instalment of the film series manages to feel even more epic thanks to the scenes set around the French occupation, looting and burning of Moscow, which takes up the first third of the 1 hour 36 minute duration. It looks like a similarly enormous number of extras were used as in the battles, and the director again uses overhead tracking shots to put across the epic scale of the event in a similar way, but this time with the addition of loads of things being on fire.

As main characters begin to get killed off, the direction becomes more experimental, with Prince Andrei experiencing an extended surrealistic dream sequence that is like something out of Excalibur, while scenes focusing on Petya Rostov (a character who, if this were a conventional war movie, would have you shouting "Dead!" at the screen, Mary Whitehouse Experience-style) go into black & white.

It is curious to think that only the first film would even approach the length of most modern films, since the other three are all under 100 minutes each, so there would be no way they would need to split it into four sections if it had been made in the 21st century.

They also wouldn't have needed to abridge the novel so much, since even at the combined length of 7 hours the ending still feels rushed, without the proper conclusion to Pierre and Natasha's story (it is sort of left for the viewer to fill in the blanks, perhaps presuming familiarity with the original story) and even omits some of the more significant subplots such as Nikolai and Maria's romance. Why, if they made it now they could even get Peter Jackson to add some extra subplots!

I felt that, sadly, the badly paced ending was the weakest part of any of the four films (the '70s BBC version didn't exactly stick the landing either). But the journey to get there was worth it - a unique cinematic experience, not to be equalled in scope and scale until the age of CGI made faking it possible, and never, I expect, to be surpassed.

The film studio Mosfilm have made this available to watch in full, in good quality and with decent English subtitles, on their YouTube channel.

Seven Ridiculous or Ridiculously Awesome moments from Mahabharat (1988)

But are they ridiculous, or are they ridiculously awesome? The line is sometimes a very fine one, so judge for yourselves...

1. King Shantanu's dilemma [Episodes 1-2]

King Shantanu the Shagger (whose inability to keep his royal penis in his pants is the proximate cause of all the dramatic events of the entire epic) watches his wife - the goddess Ganga - drown his infant sons, while absurdly melodramatic incidental music plays and the camera repeatedly crash-zooms to his face like a whole season's worth of Colin Baker-era Doctor Who cliffhangers have come at once.

Shantanu is bound by his oath never to interfere in anything that Ganga does, and his inner turmoil is written on his face in the form of some amusingly contorted facial expressions. Ganga's smile after each drowning is the smile of a serial killer, and yet this doesn't ever seem to stop Shantanu from fathering yet further sons with her. Eventually, as she goes down to the river with their eighth son, he finally takes an action to stop her.

2. Bhishma's Terrible Oath [Episodes 3-4]

Saved from drowning, the eighth son of the king is taken by Ganga to be taught by gods, immortals and sages and then returns to his father as the perfect prince and heir to the throne. But Shagger Shantanu's lust gets in the way again when he falls for a fishermanny's daughter, Satyavati. Her father insists that Shantanu may only marry Satyavati if it will be their son who inherits the throne instead of the prince.

Dutiful above and beyond what is expected of a son, the prince agrees to step aside in favour of any other sons his father may have. But the fishermanny is not even satisfied with that and suggests that the prince's descendants may try to claim the throne back from his descendants.

Thus, in order that his father may get a shag, the prince swears a terrible oath that he will be celibate for his entire life, and so is thenceforth called Bhishma: He of the Terrible Oath.

3. The wrath of Amba [Episodes 5 and 70]

Bhishma kidnaps three princesses to marry them to his half-brother (a perfectly acceptable custom within their culture). One of the princesses, Amba, objects on the grounds that she was already in love with, and secretly betrothed to, another manny. Bhishma apologises and sets her free, but her beloved then rejects Amba because his pride has been hurt by his inability to prevent the kidnapping. Rather than be angry at her lover for rejecting her, Amba turns her ire against Bhishma and swears to kill him if he will not make amends by marrying her himself - which he refuses to do becaue of his oath.

Some 65 episodes later we discover, via flashback, what became of Amba after this - she went to Bhishma's own martial teacher, the invincible Parshuram, and persuaded him to fight Bhishma on her behalf. The result was an epic battle between the two, with both deploying devastating celestial weapons, but which ultimately ended in a stalemate. So with Amba still not having achieved her vengeance, she swore to die and be reborn again and yet again until she could somehow be the cause of Bhishma's death.

4. The convoluted circumstances of Karna's birth [Episodes 7-8]

Princess Kunti was taught a magic spell by a sage that could see the future, and he foresaw that this spell would be useful to her later in her life. He explained to her that, when she recited the secret magic words, it would turn her into Superted summon any god of her choosing. But the mischeivous sage did not say what the god would do after it had been summoned. So Kunti tried it out, and summoned the Sun God to appear.

The Sun God then told her he would not leave until he had given her a son, which he then did in the unconventional manner of pewpewpewing Kunti with a special effect until a baby appeared in her arms. Being unmarried, Kunti had to keep the baby's existence a secret, so she set him adrift upon the river to be found and cared for by another family. The baby was Karna, and we have by no means seen the last of him in this series.

5. The even more convoluted circumstances of Krishna's birth [Episodes 10-11]

Evil King Kansa usurped his father's throne and reigned as a tyrant. When the gods themselves prophecised that his sister Devaki's eighth son would cause his death, he imprisoned both her and her husband Vasudev. Not taking any chances that he might lose track of which son is which, Kansa resolved to kill all of Devaki's sons, and so he killed the first six in an unnecessarily gruesome manner by throwing them against the wall of his sister's prison cell.

Obviously his attempt to cheat fate was literally destined to fail, with Devaki's seventh pregnancy being magically transferred to Vasudev's other wife, Rohini, leading to the birth of Balram, while the eighth son is saved by even more direct divine intervention - the gods setting free Vasudev for long enough to deliver his child to safekeeping beyond Kansa's power. This eighth son is Krishna, the avatar of Vishnu.

6. Baby Krishna fights some monsters [Episodes 12-15]

Rather than keep baby Krishna's whereabouts a secret, the villagers of Gokul openly celebrate his coming with a musical number, so that Kansa immediately discovers his location. Advised by an equally evil vizier, Kansa sends a succession of monsters who could have come straight out of an episode of Monkey to kill Krishna. Each one is foiled really easily, because Krishna has the full powers of a god from birth, and so he effectively acts as a living deus ex machina.

At one point he is fighting underwater with Kalia, a giant, five-headed cobra. His friends and family see blood come to the surface, and I was waiting for one of them to say

"Blood! I hope this is not Krishna's blood."

But of course it is Kalia's.

7. Krishna defeats Kansa really easily, while laughing the whole time [Episodes 16-17]

Evil King Kansa convinced himself that if he could defy the gods' prophecy of his death by killing Krishna before Krishna killed him, then he would become immortal. So he set a trap by pretending to repent his evil ways and then inviting his nephews to come and visit him. Krishna and Balram walked into the trap and trivially defeated the attempts by Kansa and his henchmannys to kill them, while all the time laughing in a way calculated to unnerve the king until he tried to run away. But Kansa could no more escape from Krishna than he could overcome him, so that was the end of his reign of terror.

It is unusual to see a dramatic presentation with such a lack of peril for the protagonists, because while on the one paw these episodes seemingly possess all the tropes of a classic underdoggy tail, with our plucky heroes vastly outmatched by the strength and power of the baddy and all his resources as king of the country, yet because of Krishna's godly powers we never feel he is in jeopardy for even one moment.