100th Post!

This is my 100th post on my Big Gay Longblog, so now it really is loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong.

I know I have not been posting much recently but I have been busy doing things. Mainly sleeps, but also watching Star Trek with Starcat, including episodes from seasons 2 and 3 which I had never seen before. A lot of them were very good but some weren't, like Assignment: Earth or Spock's Brain.

I have now seen every episode of Star Trek except for the cartoon ones, and I hope to see them soon. I have also seen an episode of another programme called Deep Space Nine. It is a sci-fi programme that Starcat likes and it is a little bit like Star Trek. In the episode I watched, called Trials and Tribble-ations, the mannys from Deep Space Nine visited Star Trek and saved Captain Kirk.

I liked the bits with Captain Kirk in them, but Starcat tells me he is not in any other episodes of Deep Space Nine so I don't think I want to watch any more of it. Starcat likes Captain Sisko but I don't think he is nearly as good as Captain Kirk.

Captain Sisko meets his hero, Captain Kirk.

I have also been watching Sharpe, which is a very good programme about a manny called Sharpe who is a hero and is very brave and handsome and sometimes he takes his shirt off (these are my best bits).

Sharpe is played by Sean Bean.

Sharpe has a best friend called Harper who is a big tough manny and they help each other in fights and save each other all the time because they are best friends. Sharpe's stories are always very exciting with horrible baddys who want to kill Sharpe that he has to beat every week. The mastermind behind all the baddys is called Napoleon, he is played by Ron Cook who was Richard III in Shakespeare.

I have not seen all of Sharpe yet so I don't know how it will end. Gamma Longcat says he knows, and that it has something to do with the Eurovision Singing Contest! I can't wait to find out what.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Blakes 7: Sand

What's going on on the sandy planet? It's up to the manliest manny in Blakes 7 to work it out. Jarvik's dead, so is that Avon or Tarrant?

Sand, in the second half of season 4, is the second Blakes 7 story by Tanith Lee, who also wrote Sarcophagus.

It starts on the sandy planet, where there is lots of sand and a manny saying a poem. He is Don Keller. On a spaceship Servalan is watching a video of Don Keller saying his poem. She is going to the sandy planet to look for him, with three other mannys with her.

One of them is Investigator Reeve, an important Federation manny. Orac has heard about the Investigator going to the sandy planet, so Avon wants to go there as well to get whatever the Federation is after first. Tarrant and Dayna teleport down from Scorpio!

Servalan is on the planet when one of her mannys gets killed by an unseen monster. Reeve thinks it was Servalan who killed her manny. He has recognised her as being Servalan even though she is in disguise as Commissioner Sleer.

Reeve shoots Dayna and injures her so Tarrant gets her teleported back to Scorpio! Some sand goes with her. Reeve goes looking for Tarrant but before he can shoot him he gets distracted by something so Tarrant kills him first.

Scorpio! loses contact with Tarrant, then Orac goes mad and says he loves Soolin so they have to switch him off. They can't teleport Tarrant back up so he is stuck on the sandy planet with Servalan.

Tarrant and Servalan make a truce and go into Don Keller's base together. The computer in the base is mad like Orac. They find Don Keller and he falls down dead when Servalan hits him even though he has been dead for five years.

The base gets completely covered by sand. Tarrant and Servalan are stuck inside together so they get romantic. As both a writer and connoisseur of slash and erotic fanfiction, this seems to me like perfectly normal behaviour from them both.

Here is some dialogue from this important scene:

Servalan: "You are both useful and decorative."

Tarrant: "Thank you. I might say the same about you. But then I'd also say you're possibly the most unscrupulously venomous woman in the galaxy. Being shut in here with you is rather like being locked in a cage with a panther - a black cat with large golden eyes and long silver talons."

Servalan: "Oh Tarrant, I'm just the girl next door."

Tarrant: "If you were the girl next door, I'd move."

Servalan: "Where would you move to, Tarrant?"

Tarrant: "Next door."

I particularly like the bit about a cat. Purr purr.

Meanwhile on Scorpio! Avon is trying to work out what is going on, but Vila is drunk.

Tarrant has already worked out the sand is behind everything. The sand is really a monster that can move about by itself and kill mannys that it doesn't like - which means any manny that it doesn't want to be in its fanfiction. So Avon and Tarrant are safe, but Vila is expendable.

Servalan is sad because she wanted to be paired with Don Keller instead of Tarrant, but he is already dead by the sand. She cries and her tears kill the sand. Servalan kiffs Tarrant and then steals his gun.

This is really the same trick that Avon pulled on the alien in Sarcophagus. Silly Tarrant.

On Scorpio! they find out by accident that water kills the sand. Avon wants to make it rain to kill all the sand on the sandy planet, so they do.

Soolin: "You gambled, Avon, but you won."

Avon: "Do I get a prize?"

They teleport Tarrant back up and he tells them he saw Servalan. Servalan goes back to her ship and flies away, ready to be the baddy again some other day. That is the end of the episode.

This is another clever story for Blakes 7. The sand monster is mysterious at first because nobody thinks that sand could be a monster, until Tarrant figures it out. But the really clever bit is getting Tarrant and Servalan to kiff each other even though they are enemies.

This is just like the best kind of fanfiction, only it is on TV instead of on the internets, and it is Tarrant kiffing Servalan instead of Avon, which would have been much better.

Sadly there is no TV story in which Avon kiffs Tarrant, or that would be the best episode evar. Oh well, a cat can dream... And then write stories on the internets!

Outrageous Outtakes

Big Gay Longcat reviews Star Trek: The Naked Time

Last time I reviewed the scariest Star Trek episode ever, The Corbomite Maneuver. Today I am going to review the rudest Star Trek episode ever. Even its name is rude - The Naked Time, hehehe.

It is also the only episode that can tempt me away from thinking Captain Kirk is the nicest manny in Star Trek, because this is the episode where Lt Sulu takes his shirt off and Captain Kirk doesn't.

Don't worry, I still like Captain Kirk best really.

It starts with the Enterprise at a cold planet. Mr Spock and a manny called Joe beam down and find dead mannys. Joe gets red paint on him and sinister music plays so we know this is bad.

They go back to the Enterprise. Dr McCoy thinks they're alright but Joe still has sinister music on him so we know they aren't really. Mr Spock thinks the mannys on the planet all died of space madness. The planet is going to fall to bits and Captain Kirk wants to watch it - he doesn't want his crew to get space madness, this isn't a Terry Nation story.

Too late! Joe goes crazy with a knife and gives his space madness to Lt Sulu and Lt Riley, then Joe gets stabbed by mistake. Dr McCoy does space medicine on him but he still dies. Dr McCoy is confused by this.

Lt Sulu sneaks away from the bridge so he can go mad. Mr Spock notices he is gone and then Lt Riley goes mad too. He goes to sickbay and gives the space madness to Nurse Chapel - you can tell this because the sinister music goes with it.

Lt Sulu appears with a sword and no shirt on!

He chases two mannys thinking they're baddys, then goes mad on the bridge. Lt Uhura distracts him until Captain Kirk and Mr Spock can knock him out. I like these scenes a lot, Lt Sulu is very nice when he is space mad and shirtless.

Lt Riley takes over Engineering, declares himself captain, and sings a song. He has locked Scotty out and the ship will crash if they can't make the ship go. Mr Spock says "no way Captain" while Captain Kirk doesn't like Lt Riley's singing.

I am not surprised by this. My singing is much better than Lt Riley's. I am sure Captain Kirk would like me singing to him. Mewmewmewmewmew. I would sing like that.

Now lots of mannys are going mad - Mr Spock goes to sickbay to see Dr McCoy but then he gets the madness from Nurse Chapel. She tells him she is in love with him. Mr Spock tries to resist the madness but then he becomes very emotional. He tries to be logical but he can't even count up to 7. Even I can do that and I'm only a cat.

Gamma Longcat likes Mr Spock best, and he has asked me to point out that the only reason I can count up to 7 is because I have 7 colours of stripes. I dispute this. I say I can count up to 7 because I like Blakes 7!

Captain Kirk and Scotty get into Engineering and arrest Lt Riley, but the ship is still going to crash.

"I can't change the laws of physics," says Scotty.

Dr McCoy manages to cure Lt Sulu so it looks like they will be alright if the Enterprise doesn't crash. Captain Kirk finds Mr Spock and tries to get him to help make the ship go, but Mr Spock is too sad.

Captain Kirk tries to snap Mr Spock out of it by hitting him but then he gets the madness too. When he is mad Captain Kirk admits he loves Spock Avon the Enterprise.

Captain Kirk and Mr Spock manage to get control of themselves. Captain Kirk goes to the bridge and gets cured by Dr McCoy, while Mr Spock helps Scotty make the ship go and so they get away. But they end up inventing time travel by mistake when they go back in time 3 days.

That is the end of the episode.

That was a rude and silly episode with all the mannys acting mad. The reason it is also a good episode is because it was a very early episode of Star Trek when all the characters were new, and so every manny gets a chance to do something so you know what they're like. Even the ones that go mad we can see how they are acting silly and so know that they are not like that really.

But the best bit of the episode?

Big Gay Longcat reviews Star Trek: The Corbomite Maneuver

Rar!

In honour of my new friend Scary Cat, today I will review the scariest episode of Star Trek ever - The Corbomite Maneuver, from season 1. This review will feature pictures of a scary face, so don't read on if you are a scaredy cat.

I know he looks scary but don't worry - Scary Cat is nice really.

It starts with the Enterprise taking photos of space. They meet a special effect and it gets in their way. Captain Kirk is in sickbay with his shirt off doing exercises when Mr Spock shows him the special effect and the dramatic music that goes with it.

Captain Kirk goes to the bridge, stopping only to put a new shirt on. I think these early scenes of Captain Kirk with no shirt on are just there to lull us in to a false sense of security about this episode, before it gets really scary later on.

Mr Bailey wants to shoot the special effect, but Captain Kirk tries to fly the Enterprise away first. It chases them and puts out radiation. When Mr Spock says it is dangerous then Captain Kirk orders Mr Bailey to shoot it and the special effect blows up.

Dr McCoy and Yeoman Rand are about to give Captain Kirk noms when they meet another special effect and it tractor beams the Enterprise. This one is much bigger and it is a circle with lots of scary lights on it.

It gets more scary when Balok talks to them in a loud scary voice and then makes the bridge's lights go on and off so they can't do anything to fight or get away. Balok says he will blow them up in 10 minutes. Mr Spock finds out how to see a picture of Balok - he has a scary face!

Scary face!

Mr Bailey gets very scared and Captain Kirk gets Dr McCoy to take him away from the bridge. Even Mr Spock doesn't know what to do. But then Captain Kirk gets an idea. He bluffs Balok that the Enterprise is made of "corbomite" and it will blow Balok up if he blows the Enterprise up.

Balok is still counting down and gets to 30 seconds. Mr Bailey comes back and Captain Kirk lets him sit in his chair again because he was brave to come back even though he was scared before.

The countdown reaches zero and Balok says he wants proof of the corbomite but Captain Kirk says no. Balok sends out another special effect to take the Enterprise to a planet where everybody will be put in prison. It is a little spaceship.

Captain Kirk plays along for a little while and then they try to break free of the little ship's tractor beam. They escape and Balok's little ship breaks down. It asks them for help. Captain Kirk takes Dr McCoy and Mr Bailey with him when they beam over. They see Balok.

Scary face!

But it is only a model. The real Balok is a little manny with a silly voice. He is not scary at all, he is nice really and was just testing them in case they were baddys to him because he's only little. Everybody is friends at the end.

Scary face!

This is a very good episode because it is cleverly made to begin with a nice bit - Captain Kirk doing exercises with no shirt on - then it gets scary when Balok comes, and then at the end it is nice again with everybody becoming friends.

Balok isn't in any more episodes of Star Trek, but the scary face appears during the end credits of lots of episodes (including this one!) and when you see it the music goes "Duh-DUH DUH!" as if to say "Sca-RY FACE!"

But we now know not to be scared because Balok is nice really.

The Speed of Cats

I have had an argument with Starcat about something that may sound trivial to mannys but is very important to cats.

How fast can cats go?

Starcat and I both know that the cheetah is the fastest kind of cat. Starcat says that the fastest anything can go is the speed of light, 186000 miles a second, and that as a cheetah is the fastest kind of cat then that means nothing can go faster than it so the speed of a cheetah must be the speed of light.

I said that although there are no cats that can go faster than a cheetah, there are things that aren't cats that could, like spaceships or Monkey's cloud trapeze.

Starcat is not a cheetah, whatever he says. He is a longcat, like me.