Big Gay Longcat and Expensive Luxury Cat review James Bond: Never Say Never Again
1983 was a good year for fans of Bond, James Bond. Not only was that the year that Octopussy came out, there was also a second Bond film released, starring Sean Connery again.
Its title supposedly refers to Connery saying "never again" when he was asked if he wanted to come back and be James Bond, although the addition of the "never say" suggests that it may actually have been based on what his agent said when telling Connery how much they were going to pay him.
It starts with the theme song and titles, which already seems strange because by now we cats are all well used to there being a pre-titles sequence in Bond films - this is the first one without such a sequence since Dr. No. But when the theme song continues over some scenes of Bond on a mission, it becomes clearer - this film is combining the usual pre-titles bit with the titles, perhaps to save time so we can get to the main plot sooner. That's a clever idea.
Don't get used to us saying that about this film though, mew.
Bond has some fights with a bunch of mannys, and then he rescues a scantily clad lady, but then she stabs him. It cuts to M (Edward "the Jackal" Fox, who has recently done a very good job of infiltrating British Intelligence) watching Bond's fight on video. It turns out that this was a training exercise (in which case Bond and the manny we saw him garrote were really getting into their parts) and Bond is not actually ded. M says Bond got killed twice when on the training course, while Bond argues he only got killed once - this may or may not be a deliberate reference to You Only Live Twice, we can't be sure. Then Bond gets sent to a health clinic to get the main plot started, just like in Thunderball.
To save time repeating the phrase 'just like in Thunderball' over and over, it is worth pointing out at this stage that the reason this film has so many bits that closely resemble bits from Thunderball is that that was the only James Bond story the makers had the rights to, so they had no choice but to copy Thunderball. Expensive Luxury Cat gave Thunderball a rating of Expensive and Luxury, so let's see if this film can do any better.
I think as well as having the rights to remake bits from Thunderball, they must also have had the rights to remake scenes from the BBC TV sitcom Porridge, because there's a bit at the health clinic when a nurse asks Bond to "fill this beaker" for a urine sample and Bond replies
"From here?"
There is then a shot of the nurse looking embarrassed at the corny material.
It cuts to the baddys. SECTRE Number 12 arrives at a secret underground lair and we see...
SECTRE Number One! He is being given pets by his latest Blofeld, this time played by Max von "Ming the Merciless" Sydow (no doubt Number One had to replace the last one after Bond dropped him down a big chimney). The SECTRE mannys tell each other some exposition, which we already know because we have seen Thunderball before. A rare case of the audience knowing the exposition before the characters do.
At the health clinic, Bond spots Number 12 beating up a manny. This manny is Jack Petachi, played by Gavan O'Herlihy, best known to us cats for playing Captain Leroy in Sharpe's Eagle. Bond clearly knows he's onto something - perhaps he has also seen Thunderball before?
Number 12 recognises Bond and sends a manny to kill him while he is exercising. They have a big fight which is mostly played for lols, such as when mannys appear to be cheering on the baddy but they are actually just watching TV. This is otherwise quite a traditional Bond-vs-a-big-manny fight, although this being post-Moonraker it is obviously not as good as any fight involving Jaws. It does go on for a while, though, and they do properly wreck the place before Bond eventually defeats the baddy by throwing Chekhov's his urine sample in the baddy's face, lol.
Jack does his bit in helping the baddys to steal two nuclear missiles, then Number 12 kills him by making his car crash using a snake. She then rescues the snake and blows up the car to make sure.
The nuclear missiles look a lot more high-tech in the 1980s than in the '60s - in fact they look a lot like the big missile from Superman 3, which was made in the same year and (by a curious coincidence) also had Gavan O'Herlihy in it. They fly straight to the baddys but instead of blowing them up they just land in the water where the baddys can get to them.
Number One sends his ransom demand to NATO Headquarters, where the British are in charge for some reason. Blofeld does the talking, but as the camera is on Number One the entire time, it is clear who is really in charge. The Foreign Secretary (who, despite what his title implies, is British) orders M to put "the double-ohs" on the case.
There are some scenes with "Max" Largo and Domino, both of whom have one name the same as in Thunderball and one name different. There is quite a good moment where we see that undeneath their laughing and friendliness Domino is really Largo's prisoner, but it is not exactly played with any subtlety.
Bond meets with Algernon, who is this film's equivalent of Q. He is played by Alec McCowen, who would later get promoted to being Mr. Palfrey of Westminster. Algernon complains about the CIA being better funded than British Intelligence and having "28 flavours of ice cream in the restaurant", which is a very '80s joke. He gives Bond a watch with a laser in it, which is one of the more archetypal Bond gadgets. He says
"Good to see you, Mr Bond. Things have been awfully dull round here. Bureaucrats running the whole place. Everything done by the book. Can't make a decision unless the computer gives you the go ahead. Now you're on this, I hope we're going to have some gratuitous sex and violence."
To which Bond replies
"I certainly hope sho too."
This film has already been high on the komedy even by the standards of the Roger Moore era Bond films, but it cranks it up another notch when...
Rowan Atkinson appears. He is playing Bond's Bahamas contact, Nigel Small-Fawcett. I don't think that's a joke name, or if it is one then it obviously doesn't W-word in British English. And this film is not particularly given towards subtlety - even Largo's ship, called the Disco Volante in Thunderball, has been translated to the Flying Saucer for this version.
Number 12 water-skis into Bond and pretends not to know him, although we viewers all saw her recognise him earlier on, just before she set the big manny on Bond. She gives her name as Fatima Blush, which also doesn't sound like a joke name. Given how full of little jokes and komedy moments this film is, it seems curious that they drew the line when naming the characters - and they clearly weren't limited to only using names from Thunderball either. Bond and Blush go onto Blush's boat where they get up to some naughtiness, in what is possibly the most risqué love scene in a Bond film until Die Another Day.
They go scuba diving together, for the first of some extremely slow underwater scenes. I suppose since they were copying so much of Thunderball, they couldn't really avoid copying at least some of that, mew. Blush sends a remote control shark to chase Bond. I'm sure one of the sharks gets smaller when it is played by a glove puppet (did Alec Guinness still need the money after Star Wars?) for some shots.
Blush tries to blow Bond up in his hotel room, but he is busy getting up to naughtiness with a woman in her room at the same time and so the bomb blows up the wrong room. There is some neat misdirection where the camera cutting is intended to convince us that the bomb is in the same room as Bond, before the explosion shows it is not - simple but effective.
The scene changes to the south of France, where Bond meets Felix Leiter as well as his French contact Nicole. They spy on the Flying Saucer and see Domino, realising that she is Jack Petachi's sister. Bond poses as a masseur (well, he is in France) in order to get close to Domino and have a good old perv over her, naughty Bond! She tells him that Largo is "giving a charity ball tonight at the casino for children." I know it was the 1980s but, even so, a casino for children seems a bit much.
Bond goes to the casino where he discovers it has two parts - one a high class casino like he visits in what seems like most of his films (certainly he did in Thunderball), the other an arcade full of video games. Well, it was 1983... so it must have seemed cutting-edge, even futuristic, to have such a place.
Largo confronts Bond and they show off in front of Domino. Largo challenges Bond to play a video game with him - but one made of SFX rather than an actual early-80s video game. This is probably for the best, since the effects for this bit have dated less badly than the 8-bit games of the period, though this is never going to achieve the iconic status of a proper casino showdown between Bond and the baddy over Baccarat - or, for that matter, the Backgammon scene from Octopussy that same year.
The game is played for money to the winner and electric shocks to the loser. Largo has the advantage at first because he has played the game before, while Bond is more used to Jet Set Willy.
"It seems I underestimated you, Mr Bond."
Bond dances with Domino and tells her that her brother is ded in an attempt to get her to turn against Largo - well, it W-worded for him last time.
When Bond returns to where he is staying he calls out "Nicole?" but there is no answering call of "Papa?" because Nicole has gone
Before she kills Bond, she wants him to write her a note saying that "the greatest rapture in my life was afforded me in a boat in Nassau by Fatima Blush, signed James Bond 007." Bond writes with his gadget pen, and uses it to blow up Blush.
Bond teams up with Felix to explore the Flaying Saucer. Bond finds his way on board and gets captured in a moment that is so contrived it is as though the writers just couldn't be bothered writing a scene that moved the plot from Bond killing Blush to getting captured, so just had him turn up and get captured.
Largo treats Bond as his guest and lets him roam about the ship, so he certainly knows how to act the part of a baddy. Bond asks Domino about the "Tearsh of Allah" which is very convenient because she is the only person apart from Largo who knows about it, and she shows Bond the necklace that Largo gave her earlier on. This contrivance can't even be blamed on Bond having seen Thunderball because this bit isn't from that.
Bond kiffs Domino knowing that Largo is spying on them. Largo goes mental with an axe while Bond uses this distraction to send a message to M saying that the Flying Saucer is headed for North Africa. There's another missed opportunity for a lol here when M takes Bond's warning seriously and doesn't question why Bond is messaging him about UFOs. Or perhaps after the scene ended M was straight on to Ed Straker at SHADO?
Largo leaves Bond and Domino imprisoned, but Bond escapes with the help of his laser watch. He rescues Domino and they escape on a horse, leading to another chase scene when henchmannys pursue them on their own horseys.
This all builds up to a completely absurd bit where Bond rides the horse off the top of the castle to plunge into the water below, in what is possibly the most ludicrous use of CSO in a Bond film until Die Another Day.
Bond and Domino travel on Felix's submarine to the next part of the plot. Bond thinks that the Tears of Allah necklace must be relevant due to the Law of Conservation of Narrative Detail, and he deduces that it is really a map showing where Largo has hidden the nuclear missile. Oh, and there's only one missing nuclear missile now, because the other one got recovered off-screen, mew.
Bond and Felix use some experimental, top secret jetpacks to secretly land near Largo's base while causing as much noise and drawing as much attention to themselves as possible. To be fair, this scene is both better than the equivalent use of the jetpack in Thunderball and considerably less ludicrous than the horse scene from earlier. Mind you, almost anything would be. There's still no actual need for it, since it is followed by some tedious underwater scenes as Bond and Felix follow Largo and his henchmannys to their base.
There is a brief cutaway to Number One and his SECTRE mannys celebrating their upcoming victory, perhaps to make up for the dullness of the underwater scenes.
Number One is even prematurely drinking a toast to their success. Or maybe he was just thirsty?
Bond and Felix start a gunfight that takes care of most of the henchmannys, but Largo gets away with the missile.
Bond has a slow-motion underwater fight with Largo, and then while Bond tries to stop the missile from being launched, Domino turns up and shoots Largo. I think she had to do that only because she does it in Thunderball, since she was otherwise nowhere near this scene until the very last moment. This is a very poor climax to the film, and a rubbish ending for this version of Largo.
It cuts to Domino and Bond relaxing. They hear a manny approaching them and sinister music plays, so Bond throws him into the pool. Then it turns out it was only Nigel Small-Fawcett. Well what does he expect if he's going to have sinister music playing whenever he sneaks up on somebody? He pleads for Bond to come back because
"M says that without you in the service, he fears for the security of the civilised world."
Is a resigned Bond really that much of a security risk? If only there was somewhere that they could put their former agents...
Bond says
"Never again."
To which Domino replies
"Never?"
It's not quite a title drop to end the film on, but it is not exactly subtle, especially as the theme song starts to play as soon as she says it, which includes the title as lyrics. But then, 'not exactly subtle' has been this film's entire modus operandi.
Bond breaks the fourth wall when he winks at the camera as the final shot.
Expensive Luxury Cat's rating: Expensive but not Luxury
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