To lose is to win and he who wins shall lose

Rest in peace Terrance Dicks, who helped more kittens (and little mannys) "develop a lifelong love of reading than almost anyone else who's ever lived." You see, he may not have got an OBE, but he did know very well that immortality was a curse, not a blessing.

Big Gay Longcat and Expensive Luxury Cat review James Bond: Dr. No

Now my friend Expensive Luxury Cat wants to join in and do some reviewing of his own, so I'm going to help him review his favourite series of expensive luxury films - the James Bond films. We shall start by going all the way back to the very beginning and take a look at 1962's Dr. No.

It's a lion! This is a promising start. There's also a bit where a manny shoots at the camera, but it is unclear what that has got to do with anything.

I have a theory that Doctor Who may have been named Doctor Who to try and cash in on the success of Dr. No from only the year before. There was apparently a big craze for spy stories in the 1960s, so maybe Verity Lambert said "Dr. No? More like Dr. Who?" while clicking her fingers and doing a strange jerking movement with her head.

Anyway, the theme music turns into a song about three blind mouses who are supposedly looking for a cat. They're not really mouses though, they're assassins, and they shoot a couple of mannys to steal a file on Doctor No. Interestingly, this shows that the character is called "Doctor No" not "Dr. No," which is only the name of the film.

We are introduced to Bond, James Bond. This scene is meant to be iconic, but I think it has dated badly because Bond is smoking a cigarette while delivering his lines, which means he has to mumble them so that the cigarette doesn't fall out of his gob and ruin his cool.

Bond works for MI7 (as confirmed by his boss, M) and is sent to investigate the three blind mouses - maybe he is the cat!? (Metaphorically speaking, that is, he is not really a cat.) After he has arrived and dealt with the first manny who tried to capture him, Bond does some proper investigating, and even does some spy stuff with his suitcase and cupboards and things. I somehow don't think we'll be seeing a lot more of this kind of procedure in the series in the future.

When he first meets Quarrel and Felix, Bond has a fight with them until they make up and become best friends. Felix is a great character and has a name which sounds like felis, so maybe he is the cat? Either that or he is cat noms, which seems unlikely.

The scene where Professor Dent speaks with the disembodied voice of Doctor No is very suspenseful, and effective at building up the mystery and power of Doctor No... at least until he gives Dent a pider. This is clearly meant to be scary but the pider is really fluffy and cute. If they wanted to scare Bond then maybe they should have set a hoover on him? (No, that would have been too scary for a family film.) Anyway, the pider can't get to Bond because there's glass in the way, so has to settle for going on his stuntmanny for a bit instead.

Bond finds enough clues to point to the island of Crab Key being Doctor No's base. Quarrel says he doesn't want to go back there because there's a dragon.

A dragon!?

It seems we have piqued Dragon's interest.

Not only are the three blind mouses not mouses, they aren't blind either. That just goes to show you can't trust mouses! They have a car chase with Bond until they crash and then their car explodes for no reason.

Then there's a bit where Bond shoots Professor Dent even though Dent has no bullets left in his gun. Bond even says

"That's a Smith & Wesson, and you've had your six."

Was Bond ever more needlessly ruthless than here? He's not really a sympathetic character at all in this film, but Connery's charisma is enough to carry you along with him.

With Dent and the other henchmannys taken care of, Bond and Quarrel go off to Crab Key where they meet Honey Ryder. When Quarrel sees Honey for the first time he is surprised, but she's not a dragon, she's a manny. But she does say she has seen the dragon:

"He had two glaring eyes, a short tail and pointed wings. He was breathing fire. You don't believe me, do you?"

Bond doesn't believe in dragons.

"Listen, both of you, there are no such things as dragons. What you saw was something that looked like one."

Dragon took against Bond when he said that, but he was even more annoyed when he saw that it was not a real dragon. Typical mannys, he says, think they can make a dragon. A real dragon would be much better than that. If it had been a real dragon then it would have been in charge and it would have been So-Called-Doctor-No who would have been out doing patrols. Huff.

The fake dragon does breathe fire (which Dragon claims he can do, although I've never seen him), and kills Quarrel. It captures Bond and Honey and takes them to Doctor No's secret lair. Bond keeps his cool throughout their decontamination and unexpectedly benevolent treatment - more like guests than prisoners, the first of many experiences that Bond will soon get used to - until he gets made to sleep by drugged noms.

They are woken up to have dinner and a chat with Doctor No, where we first hear of the organisation SECTRE:

"Special Executive for Counterintelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion."

This is only a short scene, alas, but the dialogue between Bond and Doctor No is the high-point of the film. Some expensive luxury quotes chosen by Expensive Luxury Cat:

"East, West, just points of the compass, each as stupid as the other."

"World domination, that same old dream. Our asylums are full of people who think they're Napoleon... or God."

"I misjudged you. You are just a stupid policeman."

Bond is then put in a (decidedly non-luxury) prison cell, from whence he escapes through the ventilation system, helping to establish that great cliché of spy films and TV series. Having done so he proceeds to blow up Doctor No's base and kill Doctor No in a fight (Doctor No by this point wearing the costume that would later be mocked in Austin Powers: International Manny of Mystery), then he rescues Honey and they escape with only help from their stuntmannys.

Dr. No has an enormous legacy, but because so many of its plot points have passed into clichés of the genre, and because it has been surpassed by so many of its sequels and imitators, it feels somehow lacking now.
It was only the start of something greater.

Expensive Luxury Cat's rating: Expensive but not Luxury

Arrival

Le Grand Gay Chat du Longue critiques Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain

Beau, tres amusant, et le denouement est purrfait.

Cat Hat and Paw Bag

(have been assigned)

Big Gay Longcat reviews The Lord of the Rings (part three)

Merry and Pippin run straight into some Orcs (and the opposing animation style) and get captured. Boromir runs in and fights the Orcs until they shoot him full of arrows in a most unsporting way.

Even after he has been shot a few times Boromir still kills several more Orcs and scares the rest by making a scary face and raring at them, until they shoot him a few more times just to be sure. Only then does he finally get round to blowing his horn to alert the others, but by the time Strider, Legolas and Gimli get there the Orcs have gone and taken Merry and Pippin with them.

Strider promises the dying Boromir that he will go to Minas Tirith, and then Boromir goes

Strider quickly works out that Frodo and Sam have taken one of their boats and that it is only Merry and Pippin that have been captured, and the Three Hunters chase after them to attempt a rescue. They handicap themselves unnecessarily by running in slow motion - even Strider succumbs this time.

There follows a long sequence of the Orc force running with Merry and Pippin in tow before Pippin collapses and Merry's accent becomes Australian. As the Orcs halt, the Riders of Rohan attack them, wielding the animation style of the enemy against them.

Frodo and Sam are by now on their way to Mordor, and can even see their destination, Mount Doom, away in the distance. Gollum is following them. There have been glimpses of him before now, ever since the Fellowship passed through Moria and his glowing yellow eyes were visible, but now he enters the story properly.

Frodo spots Gollum and they ambush him.

"Don't hurt us! Don't let them hurt us, precious. Cruel little Hobbitses. Jumps on us like cats on poor mices, gollum. We'll be nice to them if they'll be nice to us, won't we, precious?"

Gollum mentioned cats! He is so effortlessly the best character in this.

When they tell him they are headed to Mordor, Gollum makes a run for it, and when they recapture him they bind him with the Elven rope which hurts him (the film does not explain why) until they take it off when he promises

"Smeagol will be very good. Smeagol will swear never to let Him have it. Smeagol will save it."

The first foreshadowing of Gollum's eventual fate, and the Ring's.

Back at the battle between the Rohirrim and the Orcs of Isengard, some of the Orcs are very good at standing still. They're not very animated, is what I'm saying, mew. As the battle goes poorly for their captors, Merry and Pippin are left unattended, and they escape into Fangorn Forest where they meet Treebeard.

The Three Hunters have also reached Fangorn. A wizard comes out of the woods and Gimli says

"Your bow, Legolas, it's Aruman! Shoot, before he puts a spell on us, quickly!"

It's really Gandalf, trolling them by being mysterious and pewpewpewing the weapons out of their hands before finally revealing himself. Gandalf tells them of his fight with Balrog, and it is presented to us as a series of still images in a very different style to the rest of the film, an almost abstract depiction of the titanic struggle between the two Maiar.

They ride to Edoras (their acquisition of horseys skipped over) while Gandalf gives the exposition of what is going on in Rohan, and who Théoden, Gríma Wormtongue (whose nickname is presented without introduction as though it were his real name) and Éomer are.

There is a scene where Saruman, with Wormtongue at his side, makes a speech to his Orc army. Either this is a flashback, or else Wormtongue teleports to Edoras in time for the next scene where he says to King Théoden

"Did I not counsel your doorkeeper to forbid his staff?"

although the scene with Háma trying to do this is sadly missed out, which is a shame because it is a classic bit of Gandalf trolling. Alas, it is understandable that it would be cut for time.

Wormtongue gives himself away as a baddy when he tries to stab Gandalf although, if you ask me, his unfortunate surname, shifty appearance and creepy habit of stroking King Théoden's beard should have been enough clues.

Gandalf advises they travel to Helm's Deep and Théoden takes his entire army with him. On the way there, Gandalf suddenly rides off on his own (well, on his own apart from Shadowfax) leaving Strider and Théoden to become friends.

Cut to Frodo, Sam and Gollum. Except that Gollum has gone - snuck away while the Hobbits were having sleeps.

He comes back with a fish, nomnomnom.

As they march on, Frodo is tired, and Gollum says

"The precious is heavy, yes? Very heavy. Smeagol knows. If it's too heavy for nice master, little Smeagol will carry it. Smeagol doesn't mind. Give it to Smeagol."

To which Frodo becomes grumpy and replies

"Do not say that again! Do not think it! Before you touched the precious again, Smeagol, I would put it on and have you leap off a cliff, or into a fire... and you would do it, Smeagol."

So at the same time we see the growing influence of the Ring upon Frodo, and further foreshadowing of the fate of Frodo, Gollum, and the Ring itself.

In the next scene Frodo and Sam are having sleeps again, and Gollum stays awake to debate with himself what he ought to do.

"Smeagol's promised.
Yes, yes, we promised to save our precious, never to let Him have it... but it's going to Him, my precious, nearer every step.
I can't help it. Smeagol promised to help nice Hobbit. He took cruel rope off our leg. He speaks nicely to me.
He's a Baggins, my precious. A Baggins stole it. We hates Bagginses. Must have the precious. Must have it. We wants it. We wants it.
But there's two of them.
Yes. We needs help, precious. She might help. Yes, She might help us..."

Andy Serkis received a lot of praise for his performance as Gollum, he even won some awards, but even at his best he is nowhere near as good as Peter Woodthorpe is here, and in the next bit when Sam accuses him of "sneaking off and sneaking back" and Gollum goes into a huff over the word "sneak."

"Sneakin'!"

The Orc army attacks Helm's Deep while singing a song. There hasn't been enough songs preserved in this version of Lord of the Rings (music, yes, but not songs) so it is nice to see this. There is then quite a long battle scene, although such things are relative and it is nowhere near as lengthy as the one in the 2002 film of The Two Towers, where it seems to take up most of the movie.

Legolas and Gimli's friendly competition here plays out with them trying to prove which animation style is best - Gimli adopting the realistic style along with the Rohirrim extras, while Legolas stays cartoony.

Saruman attacks Helm's Deep with magic spells of pewpewpew to breach the walls.

Our heroes retreat "to the caves" while the Orcs finish their song. They're trapped and things seem bad, but Théoden determines to ride out in the morning, and he asks Strider to come with him. D'awww, they really are best friends now.

Back with Frodo, Sam and Gollum, and Gollum tells them about "Smeagol's secret way - the straight stair and the winding stair." Sam asks

"What comes after that?"

only to get the evasive reply

"We shall see. Oh yes, we shall see..."

Except we won't, because that is the last scene of the film with them in it.

At Helm's Deep, the Orcs are still trying to break into the caves through the front door when they hear many horns sounding, which gives them pause (pause, not paws) and they start running about in some confusion. Our heroes ride out, led by Strider and Théoden. This has unexpectedly turned into a mighty bromance between the two.

Despite the initial advantage from their surprise attack, there are too many Orcs for them to beat. The Orcs surround them and begin to close in, when Gandalf arrives with reinforcements in the nick of time! I would have said Gandalf arrives with the cavalry, but King Théoden's army is also cavalry so that doesn't quite work.

The theme music begins playing in triumph as Gandalf rides around, gorily killing Orcs in slow motion. Then Gandalf throws his sword up in the air to signify their victory as the narrator says

"The forces of darkness were driven forever from the face of Middle-earth by the valiant friends of Frodo. As their gallant battle ended, so too ends the first great tale of The Lord of the Rings."

Strider, Théoden, Gandalf, Legolas and Gimli all ride off towards the camera, which was presumably between them and the sunset.

They obviously wanted and intended to make a second part. There are a few too many moments that are rendered entirely inconsequential if not there to be followed up in the sequel, such as introducing Éowyn only for her to do absolutely nothing, or Gollum's hinting at the presence of Shelob.

It's a genuine shame, as by far the biggest fault of the film, and the reason it is not better remembered, is that it leaves the tale unfinished. Which is ironic, when you consider how many of his stories Tolkien didn't complete - they even named a book after it!

So despite all the various omissions, changes and mistaiks in pronunciations, I still consider this to be a better adaptation than the 2001-2003 film trilogy. Why? Well, here's a list of all the things this film, struggling with its run-time as it was, didn't take the time to gratuitously add:

• Théoden being possessed by Saruman and exorcised by Gandalf
• Elves (other than Legolas) joining in at Helm's Deep
• Gimli's running gag about being tossed (naughty Gimli!)
• A whole extra subplot where Strider falls off a cliff and the others think he's been killed
• Faramir taking the Hobbits to Osgiliath
• Denethor running a mile while on fire
• Saruman dying by falling on some spikes, instead of being murdered by Wormtongue after the Scouring of the Shire - which they definitely could have found the time for if they had put Shelob in the right bloody film in the first place!
• And, most damning of all, Frodo sending Sam away, like the most clichéd of all Hollywood plot contrivances

But really, in the grand scheme of things, these are all just minor quibbles. My actual reason that this is the superior version is simply and entirely because Peter Woodthorpe plays Gollum.

The forces of Hoover were driven forever from the face of the living room by the valiant friends of Big Gay Longcat. As their gallant battle ended, so too ends the third great review of The Lord of the Rings.

Big Gay Longcat reviews The Lord of the Rings (part two)

Frodo wakes up and sees Gandalf. He has been healed by Elrond (Frodo, that is, not Gandalf). Gandalf explains to Frodo how he was trapped by Saruman (the film still doing itself no favours by using Saruman and Aruman interchangeably), with us even getting a little recap montage of those scenes from earlier in case we had forgotten or been having a sleep during them. He then goes on to explain how he was rescued by Gwaihir "the great eagle."

Frodo meets up with Bilbo. Bilbo asks to see the Ring again, and when he does he makes a face.

"Don't adventures ever have an end?"

John Le Mesurier and Ian Holm both play better versions of Bilbo Baggins, but for this one scene, and for the emotion put into that one line of dialogue in particular, the animated film does it best.

To get around the lengthy dialogues and massive exposition dump of the Council of Elrond, the narrator intervenes and provides us with a summary. We are then introduced to "Boromir of Gondor" (voiced by Michael Graham Cox, the other actor to later return for the radio series) who is distinguished by his horned helmet, giving Boromir the appearance of a stereotypical viking.

Boromir's eventual fall is foreshadowed early here, as he unconsciously reaches out for the Ring as soon as Frodo shows it at the Council.

André "Quatermass" Morell voices Elrond, although he is miscast - not so much Elrond the Half-Elven as Elrond the Middle-Manager. Still, he's not as miscast as Hugo Weaving was in the part.

Bilbo gives Frodo his mithril shirt and sword "Sting" and then the Fellowship of the Ring sets out. By this point, of the nine walkers, only Gimli remains unintroduced to us viewers. The scene then moves on immediately to the Fellowship caught in the snow while trying to pass over the Misty Mountains, and the decision whether or not to attempt the passage of Moria. Gimli steps up to support Gandalf when the rest of the company are against it, giving him his first moment of characterisation.

The scene then moves swiftly on again, and we find them at the doors of Moria, the site of one of Tolkien's rare continuity errors - the writing on the doors reads

Ennyn Durin Aran Moria: pedo mellon a minno. Im Narvi hain echant: Celebrimboro o Eregion teithant i thiw hin.

which Gandalf translates as

"The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter. And underneath small and feint is written: I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these signs."

But of course Moria wouldn't have been called Moria when the doors were made, it would have been called Hadhodrond by the Elves of Hollin.

As Gandalf fruitlessly tries to open the doors, we see that Bill the pony is still with them, the unsung tenth member of the Fellowship of the Ring, and we get a little touch of character development between Legolas and Gimli:

"What a people you Dwarves are for hiding things. On the gates of your most wondrous, ancient kingdom you write 'Speak, friend, and enter,' and no spell in any language can open the door."

And then, when Gandalf succeeds:

"So, all you had to do was say 'friend,' and enter."
"Those were happier times."

Now for Cthulhu's favourite bit of Lord of the Rings, as the tentacle monster attacks Frodo. Boromir and Strider rush to help, looking a bit like He-Man characters in the way they run directly at and over the camera.

Sam says "Poor old Bill" as they have to leave him behind when the tentacle monster closes the doors on them. Spoilers: Bill survives, and I bet he gained a few levels after that encounter too!

The scenes set in Moria are among the most atmospheric of the whole film. The incidental music is subtle, or even absent entirely, which builds up the tension, although the slipping between animation styles - realistic in long-shot, cartoony when close up - can be quite distracting.

Pippin drops his stone down the well, leading to Gandalf's great line

"Fool of a Took!"

They find the record book of Balin (here pronounced as Bay-lin) and Gandalf reads out enough passages to heighten the tension still further, ending upon

"Drums. Drums in the deep."

 Orcs attack them, and there is a big fight. An Orc throws a spear at Frodo in slow motion and is then killed by Strider who has, once again, given himself an advantage by staying at normal speed. Gandalf says

"Run for it!"

and they are chased by lots more Orcs, and then...

"Balrog!"

Gandalf says the word as if it is the Balrog's name rather than the type of monster it is. He tells Balrog "you can not pass" rather than the far more famous and memetastic "you shall not pass!" of Serena McKellen.

Balrog designs tends to vary quite a lot between different adaptations. I like this Balrog a lot - he has a head like a lion's so it is tough for us cats not to be on his side. The worst version is probably the one from Street Fighter 2, he's certainly the least faithful to the book.

Gandalf and Balrog fight, and both end up falling into the chasm. Gandalf's last words are "fly, you fools!" which is ironic because Balrog is the only one there who has wings.

The rest of the Fellowship run out of Moria and straight into a scene change to Lothlorien, where they meet Galadriel and Celeborn (incorrectly pronounced as Seleborn). Galadriel is voiced by Annette Crosbie and Celeborn by Richard Wilson. Now I know what you're thinking - I don't believe it either!

Galadriel says "the forests have told us of your loss" which saves the party having to recap the story so far. There is then a montage of them resting and recovering in Lorien and feeling sad for Gandalf.

Galadriel brings Sam and Frodo to look into the Mirror of Galadriel. We don't see what the Mirror shows, only the faces of Sam and Frodo reacting to it. Galadriel reveals that she possesses Nenya, one of the Three Rings, and Frodo offers Galadriel the One Ring. She laughs and says

"And I came to test your heart. You will give me the great Ring freely, and in place of the Dark Lord you will set up a Queen. And I shall not be evil, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!
I pass the test. I will diminish and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."

This is an abbreviated version of one of the best speeches in Lord of the Rings - the full version is even more powerful. It is therefore a shame the animation of this bit is so underwhelming, with the whole speech delivered by Galadriel in longshot, apart from one cutaway of Frodo looking mildly concerned.

They depart Lorien in boats and Strider spells out the choice they will soon have to make:

"Shall we turn west with Boromir and go to the wars of Gondor, or turn east to Mordor and its Dark Lord? Or shall we break our Fellowship?"

The others leave Frodo alone to choose his path, until Boromir comes back. He advises Frodo to go with him to Minas Tirith (pronounced Mine-ass Tirith, lol). Boromir's speech where he basically talks himself into trying to take the Ring from Frodo by force is a good one, and I presume was essentially Michael Graham Cox's audition piece for the radio Boromir.

"It is only yours by chance. It might have been mine. It should be mine. Give it to me!"

Frodo uses the Ring to escape and Boromir's madness passes. He instantly regrets what he did, and when he tells the rest of the party the Hobbits run off to look for Frodo and the Fellowship is scattered.

Sam has often been the comic relief character up until now, but here he proves his Vila-like cleverness when he reasons that Frodo would head for the boats to cross the river.

The forces of Hoover were driven forever from the face of the living room by the valiant friends of Big Gay Longcat. As their gallant battle ended, so too ends the second great review of The Lord of the Rings.