Sunday 27 January 2019

Big Gay Longcat reviews the Care Bears Movie

As part of his ongoing mission to find out what the scariest face is, my friend Scary Cat has suggested we look in the unlikeliest of places. Made in 1985, The Care Bears Movie is a cartoon film intended for an audience of little mannys, but which nevertheless contains a baddy who is scarier than Balok, Pipes, and possibly even Hoover!


It starts in a house where lots of little mannys want Mr Cherrywood to tell them a story. He puts on his "story hat" and tells them a story about the Care Bears, who "live in a magic place called Carealot." This prompts a flashback and a musical number about how great Carealot is, during which we get the opening credits.

The Care Bears are having fun up among the clouds and rainbows in the sky where Carealot is, and one of them (whose name is Wishbear, although we aren't introduced to most of the Care Bears since we are expected to know who they all are already from having watched their TV series) uses a telescope to spy upon two little mannys down on Earth.

Wishbear then rounds up two of her friends and sends them off in a flying cloud car. They fly around in some scenes of padding to allow the musical number to finish, and then crash the car into a tree (whereby it vanishes so no evidence of flying cars is left behind for mannys to find).

The two care bears are Friendbear and Secretbear. They introduce themselves to the two mannys, Kim and Jason, but they want nothing to do with two talking bears. The narrator (i.e. Mr Cherrywood from the first scene, who is still telling his story) says this is because their parents "went away" and so they "decided never to love anyone ever again," although I think shock caused by the sudden discovery of the existence of talking bears and flying cloud cars deserves at least equal consideration as an explanation.

Kim and Jason are disturbed that the strange talking bears know their names and ask how they know them. They are not reassured by the response from Friendbear:
"We know a lot of things about you. Kim reads a lot of books and wants to be a nurse when she grows up, and Jason - you want to be a jet pilot."
It is clear that the Care-bears Intelligence Agency (CIA for short) has had them under observation for some time.

Meanwhile Tenderheart, another Care Bear, is taking a cloud car to a fairground to conduct covert surveillance upon Nicholas, described by the narrator as "a magician's helper." Nicholas is clumsy and drops and breaks some things belonging to his boss, the magician Fettucini, who gives him into trouble.

When Nicholas is tidying up the mess he made, a parcel floats itself in front of him, accompanied by some ominous incidental music.


Nicholas puts the parcel aside and we see, although Nicholas does not, the seal upon the parcel melt itself off. Nicholas unwisely makes a wish:
"I wish... I'd give anything to find a way to get people to like me."
The wrapping falls off the parcel to reveal a book, and a disembodied voice says
"Anything? Nicholas... you did say 'anything'?"
Tenderheart sees this, but cannot intervene because he is trapped under Fettucini's desk by the presence of Fettucini, and it seems that it must be against their code or their Care Bear Laws to let big mannys know of their existence.

Back at Carealot, some other Care Bears are working on their latest piece of sufficiently advanced technology, something called the "Rainbow Rescue Beam" - aside from the name, we get to learn nothing else about it at this point. They are called away to help look for two missing little Care Bears, but just as soon as they are offscreen, the bears they are looking for come in and start playing with the controls of the Rainbow Rescue Beam. This causes it to activate, and the other Care Bears run in as it teleports up Friendbear, Secretbear, Kim and Jason to Carealot.


It's a teleporter! This is great, this film is suddenly a lot more like Blakes 7. Their teleport beam even has rainbow SFX (which I like because they remind me of me).

Grumpybear (who is clearly the Avon of the Care Bears) blames it on "baby bear mischief" but they are still stuck with the fact that they have inadvertently kidnapped two mannys. Kim and Jason are horrified to discover that there are more talking bears - a whole society of them in fact - as the Care Bears say "welcome to Carealot" and take them on a tour of the place, which prompts another musical number...


...over the course of which Kim and Jason are won around to become friends with their captors, essentially distilling the story arc to the first season of Doctor Who into a song of about two minutes.


Back at the fairground, the mystery voice is still saying "Nicholas... Nicholas..." It is coming from the book, which is a large tome with a face on it and a lock. The voice claims to be "a spirit" and offers Nicholas magic powers that he could use to make his wish come true. It manifests a key in its own lock and says that, to accept its offer, all he has to do is "undo the lock."
He does so, and the book opens itself with such force that it blasts Nicholas backwards.
Then a face appears in the pages...


By reading from the pages the face selects, Nicholas magically makes Fettucini have sleeps so that he can take over the magic show. This allows Tenderheart to get free and he tries to warn Nicholas that the face does not have his best interests in mind.


Scary Cat was right about the Scary Face! The face transforms from yellow and placid to green and terrifying, as it blasts Tenderheart into a cage (which just happened to be in the room) and locks him inside. I'm glad I'm watching this alongside Scary Cat, who is the bravest of all cats, as I think I would be much too scared to watch it on my own, mew.

Somehow overlooking its newly malevolent visage, Nicholas falls for the spirit's temptations and leaves with the book. Then Tenderheart escapes from the cage by sending a giant heart out from his chest to burst the cage door open - while it may seem like he could have done that at any time rather than let the spirit leave with Nicholas still in its power, it is clear that there are rules or limitations about when the care bears can use their powers, perhaps similar to the way the Istari were limited in using their powers on their mission to help the races of Middle-Earth.

Tenderheart retrieves the key to the magic book and leaves to follow Nicholas. When he gets to the magic show, the spirit is causing Nicholas to be humiliated in front of his audience (although he is unaware the spirit is the cause of it), and when he asks it to stop them from laughing at him, it tempts him to cast a spell to "teach them a lesson... one they'll never forget!"
The spell makes all the mannys in the audience start fighting each other.

Tenderheart tries pleading with Nicholas again, but he is not ready to listen. The book's pages turn to offer him a spell to teleport away in the form of a whirlwind as the spirit says, in a very scary voice:
"This is only the beginning!"


Tenderheart says
"This is a job for all the Care Bears."
and returns to Carealot, whereupon his flying cloud "Rainbow Roller" goes out of control - it seems their technology, while highly advanced, is far from infallible as this is the second crash we have seen already in this film.

A "cloudquake" (which is like an earthquake if your world is made mainly of clouds) strikes Carealot, and Tenderheart says this is because "a boy named Nicholas is being taken over by an evil spirit." While it may seem hard to accept the chain of cause and effect that Tenderheart is proposing here, it is becoming clear to me that the metaphysical conflict between right and wrong going on within Nicholas's mind is being made manifest in the physical environment of Carealot.

Wishbear has evidently continued spying upon the Earth since we saw her last, as she has news for Kim and Jason:
"I've sighted parents for you at the orphanage, they want to adopt you both."
So now we know what "went away" was a euphemism for when the narrator talked about their absent parents earlier, mew. This sets up a dilemma for Kim and Jason - whether to return to Earth where the comfort and security of new parents awaits them, or else to stay and help the Care Bears with the current crisis. In other words, they are being given the choice to Refuse or Answer the Call to Adventure.

The Care Bears set up the teleporter for them to return to Earth, but then they decide to stay. The bears are happy and immediately assign them to the mission of trying to find Nicholas and stop the spirit's plan, along with Friendbear and Secretbear. Tenderheart passes the book's key to Jason.

Another cloudquake strikes just as they teleport, disrupting the beam. Grumpybear says
"They're lost - somewhere between here and Earth."
and the teleporter is borked so they can't retrieve them or send anyone else after them. We hear the voice of the spirit chuckling evilly, indicating that it deliberately caused the disruption somehow.



Nicholas has not actually left the fairground, which is now abandoned as a result of his enchanting all the mannys there. He has created a wizard's tower and set up a laboratory within, like something out of Ars Magica, from where he has been casting spells, under instruction from the spirit, that are designed to stop mannys from caring. So far they have affected the entire town around the fairground, which was as far as Nicholas's ambition stretched, but the spirit has bigger plans still.

Kim, Jason and the two bears find themselves in "a strange new land" where they are in a forest, up a tree. A lion appears and climbs the tree to get to them, which makes them scared, but he turns out to be a friendly lion who is trying to rescue them with the help of his monkey friend. Despite having been interacting with talking bears for the past 20 minutes of screentime, Jason is still surprised to find that the monkey can talk.

This is the "Forest of Feelings" and they have just met Playfulheart the monkey and Braveheart the lion, who are as surprised to learn of the existence of Earth and Carealot as our heroes are to be in this place they'd never heard of before. This calls for another song about the similarities and differences between the three worlds, by the end of which the lion and monkey are established as part of the adventuring party.

Braveheart (who is already Gamma Longcat's favourite character because he is a lion) thinks he knows of a way to get them all to Earth to continue the mission, although he has himself never been out of the Forest of Feelings before.


Back at the tower, the spirit knows that Kim and Jason are a threat to it, because they are immune to its magic while under the protection of the Care Bears, so it gets Nicholas to summon an evil cloud that will seek, locate and capture them. Nicholas still shows glimpses of conscience remaining when he resists for a moment, but he is subservient to the spirit in the end.

Unable to use their teleporter or flying cloud cars, the Care Bears led by Tenderheart send out a last, desperate mission in a cloudship. Sailing upon strange and distant waters, Bedtimebear falls overboard while having sleeps and gets rescued by Cosyheart the penguin, who joins their party just as the evil cloud appears and follows the ship. It creates a whirlpool in the water that makes the ship go out of control. They are saved by throwing a rope to Lotsaheart the elephant, who pulls them safely to the shore.

Next the cloud menaces the other party by taking the form of a tree and capturing them all in its tentacle-like branches. Where's Tom Bombadil when you need him these days? They are rescued by Swiftheart the bunny, who noms the branches to free the captives and is too fast to get caught.

The ship sails into a giant cave where they are saved from crashing by the nightvision of Brightheart the raccoon. So far the Care Bears have been looking a bit useless in their own movie, having to be saved by a succession of new characters, but they do manage to rescue themselves from a waterfall by using their magic to make the ship fly.

The cloud turns into a scary bird (although the incidental music is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in making it scary) and swoops down upon Kim and Jason. The two bears use their chest beams, called the "Care Bear Stare," to pewpewpew the bird, but with only two of them they are not powerful enough to stop it.

Then the ship arrives in the nick of time and the other Care Bears join in the Staring and together they destroy the evil cloud.


Before they all leave the Forest of Feelings aboard the ship, Braveheart calls upon as many animals as possible to come and help them - with a song of course - including Loyalheart the doggy and Proudheart the cat!* This song is lighthearted and quite a bit silly, so is obviously a break in the action before the dramatic final act to follow.

Nicholas and the spirit scry in their cauldron that the Care Bears and their companions are coming, so need to cast the "final spell" before they can get to them. This spell will stop all the mannys in the world from caring.


The spirit's face gets even scarier as it says "there's no turning back!" and encourages Nicholas to join it in an evil laugh. Mordred would be proud of them both..

The Care Bears arrive at the fairground, their ship sailing out of the "Tunnel of Love" (changed by care-less mannys' graffiti to the "Tunnel of Love HATE"), showing that their journey here was in essence a symbolic one. They spot Nicholas collecting the ingredients for the final spell and follow him, while at the same time having to avoid random encounters with groups of marauding mannys who have already been turned evil by the spirit's spells.

Kim and Jason run into Nicholas (literally) by mistaik, and he chases them through another musical number across the abandoned fairground - its once fun-filled environment now rendered dark and sinister by the circumstances. Nicholas too looks properly evil now, with pale skin and dark bags under his eyes the physical manifestations of his twisted psyche. The animals assist Kim and Jason in avoiding him, but he has enough magic powers to always continue the pursuit. This is a surprisingly tense and effective dramatic chase sequence.

Just as Nicholas is about to pewpewpew the cornered Swiftheart, he is distracted by finding the last missing ingredient for his spell, and having got it, heads straight back to his lab. There, he begins his incantation of the spell, but he hesitates before adding the final ingredient. The spirit cajoles him, and the Care Bears arrive on the scene just as he gives in and completes it.
"You're too late! Too late! The last spell is cast!"
he shouts in triumph. The Care Bears try to Stare him, but the spirit chanting
"You don't care! You don't care!"
counterspells their power.


Nicholas comes out of the tower with the book demanding to know where Kim and Jason "the last two children" are, because they have still to be affected by the spell, and Friendbear realises that, until they are, "the spell's not complete" so there is still a chance to undo it.

The Care Bears try to Stare once again, and are supported by the animals from the Forest of Feelings all making their noises (rars and mews and woofs and so on) at the same time. The Stares and noises are visual and audio representations of these creatures' unconditional love (or "caring") for Nicholas despite the evil he has done. They are trying to save his soul by showing there is hope for him and redemption is still possible - quite a deep philosophical point for a cartoon film intended to sell toys to little mannys.

Nicholas wavers, and the book's pages begin turning by themselves as its power is disrupted. But the animals are faltering too and they are forced to give way first. Just as it looks as though all is lost, Kim and Jason run in and succeed where the animals failed because they can empathise with Nicholas's loneliness, comparing him to how they were back at the start of the film.


Nicholas believes them, and tries to rebel against the spirit by closing the book. Its scariness reaches a crescendo as it resists him, but eventually he forces it closed and Jason brings out the key with which to lock it. However, the spirit still has one trick left to play - it created the key, after all, and now it prevents them from locking the book by destroying it from out of Jason's hand.

Then Secretbear, who has a picture of a lock on his chest, manifests another key, and Jason takes it and stabs the key right into the lock - the spirit cries out, and then is vanquished. I am undecided as to whether this is a cheap bit of ursus ex machina, or a clever subversion of expectations - the baddy thought it was not yet defeated, but because Nicholas had already been saved (and so the spiritual struggle was over) then the Care Bears were permitted to trump its power with their own. In the end I think I'm going for the latter, if only because I like the idea of a Reverse Borad (this film was made in the same year as Timelash, after all) where the goodys pull the sudden reversal instead of the baddys.

After that, the Care Bears and the other animals go back to Carealot for a celebratory song. Grumpybear is still grumpy even when he's dancing, lol. Tenderheart uses his heart-magic to put symbols on the chests of the "Care Bear Cousins" (as the other animals are now called, denoting their second-class status in relation to the bears).

Nicholas goes back to being a magician of the sort that doesn't use real magic really, and is promoted to being Fettucini's partner. Kim and Jason are in the audience of his first show with their new parents, and say "aren't parents great?" which is an extremely unnaturalistic line of dialogue.

The story is over, and so it returns to Mr Cherrywood from the first scene, whereupon it is revealed that he was Nicholas the whole time (a twist that M Night Shyamalan would be proud of), and the Care Bears are still keeping him under observation all these years later - perhaps to make sure that he never again threatens the safety of the entire world with his terrifying magical arts..?


* Why is the cat no more than a glorified extra? This was by far the worst aspect of this film, mew.

No comments:

Post a Comment