Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: Gridlock

Gridlock, by Russell T Davies, is an episode from season 29 of Doctor Who. It starred David Tennant as the Doctor and Freema Agyeman as Martha. It guest-starred Ardal O'Hanlon as the cat-manny Brannigan.

It starts with two old mannys in a space car who get nommed by a monster. This is a good beginning as we don't see the monster now, it is clear that is being saved for when it would be very dramatic, like when the Borad was revealed in Timelash.

The Doctor and Martha arrive on New Earth in the TARDIS. It is like Earth but in the future and in space.

A big-faced monster called Face of Boe sends a catwoman with a gun to look for the Doctor.

The Doctor and Martha meet drug dealers and then Martha gets kidnapped by two mannys with guns. They take her to a space car and fly away. The Doctor shouts at the drug dealers after they help him by telling him what is going on. From this I would expect them to be baddys but they are not in the story again.

The kidnappers are called Milo and Jean. They tell Martha it will take them 6 years to drive 10 miles in their flying car. This is the first sign that something very, very stupid is going on in this episode. I know I am only a cat but those numbers are just silly.

The Doctor meets the Irish cat-manny Brannigan, who rescues him from all the space pollution that the flying cars produce for no reason.

Brannigan has his own flying car. Inside is his wife Valerie and their kittens. They have been in their car for 12 years and gone 5 miles in that time. This is SO STUPID. Other silly things we learn include the fast lane has speeds of up to 30 miles in an hour and the police are always on hold.

Martha hears the monsters outside the flying car and Jean tells her a scary story about the monsters making flying cars disappear, but Milo doesn't believe in them. Their car gets a call from another flying car that is then attacked by monsters while speaking to Martha and her new friends.

Brannigan calls an old married couple who know things to help the Doctor and he finds out from them the car that Martha is in. The Doctor guesses how ridiculous the situation is because it does not make sense to him, then all the mannys in cars sing a song.

The Doctor jumps on to another flying car, he goes from car to car and meets different mannys, including two nudey mannys (that bit's rude!) and a red manny. In the car the Doctor left behind Brannigan and Valerie meet the catwoman with a gun.

The Doctor sees the monsters. They are great big crabs called Macra.

Although they sounded scary when we couldn't see them, when they are revealed they are not scary at all, they look silly. The Borad in Timelash was much scarier than this.

Macra attack the flying car that Martha is in. They stop the car and the Macra stop attacking them. They can only stop the car for a few minutes or they will run out of air. This bit is not dramatic at all. Only the Doctor can save them in time but he does not know this.

The catwoman with a gun finds the Doctor and they teleport away to a place with a lot of skeletons of dead mannys, killed by a drug called 'Bliss' that turned into poison (for some reason). Only mannys on the flying motorway didn't die of it. Except, I presume, for all those that weren't on the motorway like the drug dealers from earlier.

The Doctor meets Face of Boe, then he turns the power on and opens the roof of the motorway to let the flying cars out. The car with Martha, Milo and Jean flies up and escapes the Macra. Face of Boe tells the Doctor "You Are Not Alone" and then dies.

At the end the Doctor tells Martha he is the last of the Time Lords while the mannys sing their song and fly their cars in the sky.

I was looking forward to seeing this episode because I heard there were cat-mannys in it, and it started well with the promise of scary monsters nomming mannys. But I am a disappointed and sad cat now I have seen all of it because this is a rubbish story that makes no sense.

There are too many questions about why the world works the way it does for it to make any sense.

Why do mannys and cats live in flying cars?

Why is a traffic jam still going after 20 years?

If everyone lives in cars then where do the drug dealers come from?

If not everyone lives in cars then why don't the mannys in cars get out and walk as it would be much, much faster than driving at the silly slow speeds we are told the flying cars go at.

Why are their cars so polluting?

Why is a traffic jam still going after 20 years?

Why do mannys kidnap Martha instead of finding a friend to go with them?

Why are the Macra so bad at catching the flying car with Martha in?

Why can Face of Boe and the catwoman with a gun not help the mannys in cars but they can set up an elaborate lie about life beyond the motorway with holograms and songs and police on hold?

The Doctor is a clever manny but why is he the only one who can save the mannys in the flying cars from the Macra? All he did was turn the power on and open the roof.

Why is a traffic jam still going after 20 years?

It seems to me that everything in this story happens for no good reason. The manny who wrote this must be very silly to think a traffic jam could still be going after 20 years or that mannys and cats would live in flying cars that go much slower than walking.

The one word that best sums up the whole story for me is this: contrived.

This is a terrible, awful episode of Doctor Who. It is not dramatic or exciting. It is not any good at all, and it makes me a sad cat to think about it. I am going to have to read lots of Avon/Tarrant stories to cheer me up so I can be a happy cat again.

Eurovision 2010

I love the mannys' Eurovision Singing Contest, it is very camp and fabulous and it is tonight! I will be watching it with my friends, this is going to be a great Caturday for me.

Here is one of my favourite songs from recent years, it is about pirates!

My pirate friends cannot stop singing it, they are very excited about Eurovision too.

Have a great Caturday everybody, and enjoy the show if you are watching it.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: Timelash Part Two

Part Two starts by showing the end of Part One again, so the Doctor gets in trouble with Tekker and the blue manny tries to put him in the Timelash and the Doctor makes his 'oh noes' face. Then the Doctor confuses the blue manny with a mirror he picked up in Herbert's house and the rebels chase the baddys away from the Timelash.

Meanwhile Peri has been captured by the beekeepers again.

Ooooo, it is sparkly and shiny and colourful inside the Timelash. This story is so fabulous.

The Doctor goes in the Timelash to get crystals. He has a rope so he doesn't vanish. Vena is still worried about him and says "he's dangling on the edge of oblivion" so we know what the Doctor is doing is very dangerous.

The Doctor makes a machine that makes him seem 10 seconds too late. He also makes a gun that sends the blue manny back in time and go on fire. I am glad it turned out there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for why that happened in Part One, because it was very confusing at the time. This story has clearly been very well plotted in advance, it is clever as well as exciting and fabulous.

There is a fight between the rebels and the beekeepers and the rebels win. They see a picture of the Doctor but he looks different because it is a different Doctor when he was played by Jon Pertwee like in Doctor Who and the Silurians or Planet of the Daleks.

The Doctor is very smug because his machine worked. He and Herbert go looking for the Borad. The Doctor goes in the Borad's room, where it is dark and mysterious and not brightly lit like the other rooms on planet Karfel.

The Doctor sees Tekker and the Borad.

The Borad is a horrible scary monster, a half-manny half-monster with a giant hand and a melted blue face.

When Tekker finds out the Borad wants to kill all the mannys on Karfel so the monsters can take over, he turns against the Borad but the Borad zaps him and turns him into a skeleton. That is the end of Tekker and there is no more of Paul Darrow in this story. That is a shame because otherwise this story is very good, and at least Tekker dies trying to be a goody.

The Borad tries to zap the Doctor next, but he is seeing him 10 seconds too late. The Doctor reflects his pewpewpew back on the Borad and it is him that is turned into a skeleton. The clever Doctor has outwitted the Borad and beaten him with his own weapon.

Herbert rescues Peri from a monster, then the Doctor and Herbert go in the TARDIS to blow up some alien missiles. This is a very long scene and it is boring, I think because Paul Darrow is not in it any more.

On Karfel the Borad turns out to be alive again and captures Peri. When the Doctor and Herbert get back they find out this is a clone Borad. He says:

"I must have forgotten to mention the other experiment I have been engaged in."

Although this is an exciting plot twist it is a bit silly, and the Borad is not as scary this time, partly because he has already been defeated once, but also because he is in the bright lights instead of the mysterious, dark and atmospheric room he was in before.

The Doctor quickly defeats the clone Borad - he gets scared when he sees himself in the mirror, and then the Doctor knocks him in the Timelash so he vanishes, because the Borad doesn't have a rope.

That is the end of the story, except the Doctor and Peri have to take Herbert back to Earth so he can write books and become H. G. Wells.

This is the most fabulous Doctor Who story I have seen, and it is my favourite of all the ones I have seen with Colin Baker playing the Doctor. I think it may be second only to Doctor Who and the Silurians (which also has Paul Darrow in it) as my favourite Doctor Who story of all.

It is both exciting and clever, with scary monsters and plot twists. It may be a bit silly at the end, but I don't mind that because the bits before that (which had Paul Darrow in them) were so good.

Now I must next get Duncan to show me the Doctor Who story where Jon Pertwee's Doctor visits Karfel. I think it must be really very good from all the references to it in this story. I hope it is not one of the missing old stories I have heard about, that would be a shame. I wonder what it is called...

Big Gay Longcat reviews Doctor Who: Timelash Part One

Timelash, by Glen McCoy, was a two-part story from season 22 of Doctor Who. It starred Colin Baker as the Doctor and Nicola Bryant as Peri. It guest-starred Paul Darrow as Tekker.

Colin Baker was Bayban, a baddy in Blakes 7. Now it is Paul Darrow's turn to be the baddy.

It starts with the Doctor and Peri in the TARDIS having an argument. The Doctor is a very shouty manny here, but he is very silly with his big colourful coat.

On the planet Karfel some mannys are hiding from beekeepers but some of them get caught. One of them gets away but is shot by a blue manny and taken to see the Borad who is a manny hiding in a chair. He has a big chair and it is a bit like my new chair. He hides in it so we don't get to see who he is, that is a secret for now.

Paul Darrow appears! This is when the episode starts to get very good. He has a wig on. He is playing Tekker, who is one of the mannys in charge. They put their prisoners in the Timelash.

Paul Darrow! Also the Timelash.

There are lots of lights going on and off and mannys vanish when they go inside the Timelash, and that is why they are scared of it.

Two of the mannys in charge are plotting. One of them meets the Borad and we see he is a scary monster with a big hand, but we don't see who he is. He turns the plotter into a skeleton with his pewpewpew gun.

Tekker is now the Borad's henchman. He is going to have the other plotter, Mykros, thrown into the Timelash but instead Mykros's friend Vena steals an important amulet and gets pushed in and disappears. The Doctor and Peri see Vena appear in the TARDIS for a moment.

The TARDIS appears in the Timelash room. The Doctor says he has been here before but he didn't know they had a Timelash.

The Doctor meets Tekker.

Tekker looks like he might not be a baddy so he goes and speaks to some alien Bandrils and starts a war with them to show that he is a baddy. There may be some other reason for him doing this but I am not sure what it is, this story is quite confusing.

The Doctor stays with Tekker and Peri goes off with the beekeepers, but then she gets scared by a blue manny and runs away and meets a monster. She is rescued by rebels.

Then a blue manny appears and goes on fire. This bit is very confusing.

Tekker makes the Doctor go and look for Vena and the amulet because he has a TARDIS and they don't.

Vena appears in a house with a manny, Herbert, in it. The Doctor arrives and Herbert tries to scare him away but he is not scary. Herbert gets inside the TARDIS and goes with the Doctor and Vena to Karfel.

Tekker gets the amulet back but he doesn't give the Doctor Peri back like he said he would because he is a baddy. Instead Tekker orders the Doctor to be put in the Timelash by a blue manny. The Doctor makes an 'oh noes' face and it is a cliffhanger ending!

This is a very good story so far. Although it is confusing it is very colourful and exciting and lots happens. Paul Darrow is a good baddy (naturally) and there is a mystery of the scary monster called the Borad who is hiding.

I can't wait to see Part Two to find out what will happen next with the terrifying Timelash and why do the blue mannys go on fire and who the Borad is and how will the Doctor save the day?

But that is for another day because it is time for sleeps now. Zzzzz

Big Gay Longcat reviews Blakes 7: Blake

SPOILER WARNING: Do not read this review if you have not seen the last episode of Blakes 7 but have any intention of ever doing so. This review will give away all of the ending to the series.

Avon needs Blake, so they go looking for him and find him. But is Blake still a goody or has he decided to join with the baddys? It's up to Avon to decide who to believe, and what to do about it.

Blake, by Chris Boucher, is - of course - the last episode of season 4 and the last TV episode of Blakes 7 ever. It is a very sad story and brings to an end the tragedy of Avon that was begun at least as far back as Rumours of Death in season 3.

It starts with Scorpio! abandoning the base, which then blows up. This directly follows on from the events of the previous episode Warlord and shows there is no turning back now.

Avon wants a figurehead for his rebellion after Zukan turned out to be a baddy. Vila quickly realises he means Blake. Orac has tracked Blake to the planet Gauda Prime, which was also Soolin's homeworld and sounds like a very bad place.

Blake is in a wood, having noms, when he meets Arlen. Blake is a bounty hunter and he kills three other bounty hunters so he can capture Arlen. It looks like Blake has become a baddy!

Scorpio! is attacked and they are going to crash on Gauda Prime. Vila, Dayna and Soolin teleport down first. Tarrant can't leave the controls or Scorpio! will explode straight away, so he can't escape. Avon hesitates as he is sad that he has to leave Tarrant behind, but then he teleports down with Orac. Scorpio! crashes and Avon thinks Tarrant is dead.

Blake is paid for capturing Arlen. The mannys paying him have detected where Scorpio! crashed.

Vila, Dayna and Soolin find an old house. Mannys are looking for them, they attack Vila but Avon arrives and kills them.

On crashed Scorpio! Slave dies but Tarrant is still alive. Blake finds him and they fly back to Blake's base in a flying thing called a flyer. Avon and the others follow them in another flyer they got from the mannys Avon killed.

At the base Blake learns there are a lot of ships coming that they didn't know about before, but he doesn't pay attention to this because he is excited that he is going to see Avon again. He hands Tarrant over to the mannys because he knows who Tarrant is from hearing Slave say "Tarrant" before he died.

Tarrant doesn't know it is Blake but guesses it when Blake mentions Jenna and knows a lot about their group including Orac. Thinking Blake is a bounty hunter and a baddy Tarrant escapes before he can find out Blake is not really a bounty hunter, he was just testing Tarrant. Blake is still a rebel and Deva and Arlen are working for him.

Tarrant is on the loose and he fights with mannys who see him. An alarm goes off. Avon and the others arrive in time to help Tarrant. Blake comes in. Tarrant tells Avon that Blake is a baddy and Avon believes him enough to ask Blake "is it true?"

"Avon, it's me, Blake." Blake is happy to see his old friend, but Avon has been through a lot of things since he last saw Blake and his best friend Tarrant has just told him Blake has betrayed them.

"Stand still," says Avon to Blake.

"Have you betrayed us? Have you betrayed me?"

He shoots Blake three times.

Blake's last word is "Avon."

Arlen shoots Deva and reveals she is a Federation officer. She shoots Dayna when Dayna goes for her gun.

Then Vila disarms and knocks out Arlen.

But more Federation soldiers arrive and shoot Vila, Soolin and Tarrant.

Oh noes! Tarrant is dead! Poor Tarrant.

Avon is surrounded as he stands over Blake's body. He raises his gun and smiles.

The end.

That is the end of the saddest story I have ever seen. Blake and Tarrant (and Vila, Dayna and Soolin) are dead and Avon is in big trouble. I am a very sad cat as I write this and think of the tragic ending that they came to after all of Avon's cleverness and Tarrant's bravery and everything.

Why am I also a happy cat at the same time? It must be because although it is a sad story, it is a very good story at the same time. Everything in the episode drives events towards the final scene and the consequences arise from who the characters are, as established not just in this episode but as far back as Star One, when Blake tells Avon that he always trusted him.

Blake still trusts Avon as he did then, but Avon has been through so much since then - particularly the events of Rumours of Death when he found out that the love of his life had betrayed him - that he believes Blake could have betrayed him as Anna did.

Vila trusted Avon too, until the events of Orbit when Avon proved he would kill a goody and a friend to save himself. But here it looks to Avon like Blake is no longer a goody or a friend because Tarrant, who is Avon's friend, says so and the situation makes it look like Tarrant is right.

Easy to overlook with so many characters getting shot is Vila, right before he gets shot, doing the bravest thing he ever did when he knocks out Arlen. Vila is not my favourite character, but I do like him because he is clever in a different way from Avon and the others, and most of the time he pretends not to be.

Why was Vila brave right at the end? I think he was always both clever and brave, he just pretended not to be so other mannys wouldn't know how clever and brave he was. He acted silly so they would underestimate him. I think this worked so well that even some of the story writers underestimated how clever Vila was.

I don't know how Avon survives, but I do know he does survive because Kaston Iago in Kaldor City is really Avon in disguise. I know this because he is played by Paul Darrow and he meets Carnell who was in Weapon from season 2 of Blakes 7.

Duncan thinks Iago is a different character from Avon but he is wrong, Iago is Avon with only a different name for legal reasons.

This episode makes me feel both happy and sad at the same time, like at the end of a Shakespeare tragedy. It is unlike anything else I have ever watched. It does not feel like a story all by itself, it feels like the end of a story - the story of Blake and Avon that was started when Blakes 7 started.

Now that story is finished. Blake is not my favourite episode even though it is very good, but it is a brilliant way to end the story. It ties together the whole series. Blake is a TV masterpiece.

Big Gay Longcat reviews Blakes 7: Rumours of Death

Avon wants to get revenge on the manny who killed Anna Grant. Revenge is Serious Business; it's up to him if he will take it all the way.

Rumours of Death, by Chris Boucher, is one of the most serious stories of the fabulous season 3. It is also one of the best stories ever because it is all about Avon!

It starts with Avon in prison. Oh noes! A baddy called Shrinker thinks he has trapped Avon but really Avon has trapped him - Avon, Tarrant and Dayna capture Shrinker and teleport back to the Liberator. Cally feels sorry for him but nobody else does because he is a baddy.

On Earth mannys are fighting and spying on each other. It looks like this bit is not to do with Avon but it is really because the leader of the fighting mannys is Sula who is actually Anna Grant who was Avon's love but he thinks she is dead when she isn't. This is important later.

Avon and Shrinker teleport down to a cave. Shrinker doesn't remember Anna Grant but Avon does. Shrinker remembers when Avon tried to become rich before Anna died and he tells Avon that a baddy called Bartholomew killed Anna, not him.

He he, every time they say Bartholomew they have to go mew like a cat.

Shrinker tells Avon all he knows about Bartholomew, then Avon teleports up and leaves Shrinker behind in the cave instead of killing him. Avon leaves Shrinker a gun in case, being a baddy, he wants to shoot somebody, although he is the only manny there.

Servalan has a new house. The fighting mannys attack Servalan's new house. A lot of them are in disguise so they fool the spying mannys who are on Servalan's side. The spying mannys get shot and Servalan gets captured. One of the spying mannys is still alive and tries to get help for Servalan.

Serious Business needs a Serious Face.

"I made a promise."

"To Anna?"

"To me."

Avon wants to see Servalan to find out more about Bartholomew. He doesn't know she has already been captured. Avon, Tarrant, Cally and Dayna teleport down and, after finding out about the fighting mannys, get into the house.

Servalan is in prison in the basement. Avon and Tarrant find her and she thinks Avon is in charge but he isn't. Anna comes in and Avon recognises her.

Anna tries to kiff Avon but he doesn't want to.

Avon remembers Shrinker's words about Bartholomew and realises it is Anna really. He shoots Anna when she tries to shoot him.

Only when Anna dies does Avon kiff her.

Avon lets Servalan go free. Then Servalan's friends arrive. Vila teleports up Tarrant, Cally and Dayna but not Avon. Servalan points a gun at Avon and tells him to put his teleport bracelet back on. She is going to shoot but he escapes in time.

This is a tragic ending. Avon is alive but he has killed Anna who was his love. He wanted to get revenge on her killer but it turns out it was him. Avon is left feeling very sad. Poor sad Avon.

Anna is a complicated character: as Anna Grant she was Avon's love, but as Bartholomew she was a baddy who put Avon in prison, but she was also Sula who was fighting against Servalan, another baddy. So was Anna a baddy or not?

Avon thought she was a baddy because he knew that as Bartholomew she had betrayed him, and so he shot Anna before she could shoot him. But he felt bad about it afterwards because she had also been a goody and his love.

Avon and Anna are doubly tragic because both thought the other was dead, then they meet again, but because Anna betrayed Avon in the past they can't trust each other now, so the only thing they can do is try to kill one another even though they are still in love. It's a very sad story.

This episode has a long-lasting effect on Avon. With nobody to hug him and kiff him and make him feel better after killing Anna, maybe he doesn't ever stop feeling sad about it. And maybe this is what sets him on the path that will lead him to shooting another of his friends who he thinks has betrayed him.

But that's another story...

A Cat and a Dog and a Song

"There is an inn, a merry old inn

Beneath an old grey hill,

And there they brew a beer so brown

That the Man in the Moon himself came down

One night to drink his fill.

The ostler has a tipsy cat

That plays a five-stringed fiddle;

And up and down he runs his bow,

Now squeaking high, now purring low,

Now sawing in the middle.

The landlord keeps a little dog

That is mighty fond of jokes;

When there's good cheer among the guests,

He cocks an ear at all the jests

And laughs until he chokes.

They also keep a horned cow

As proud as any queen;

But music turns her head like ale,

And makes her wave her tufted tail

And dance upon the green.

And O! the rows of silver dishes

And the store of silver spoons!

For Sunday there's a special pair,

And these they polish up with care

On Saturday afternoons.

The Man in the Moon was drinking deep,

And the cat began to wail;

A dish and a spoon on the table danced,

The cow in the garden madly pranced,

And the little dog chased his tail.

The Man in the Moon took another mug,

And then rolled beneath his chair;

And there he dozed and dreamed of ale,

Till in the sky the stars were pale,

And dawn was in the air.

Then the ostler said to his tipsy cat:

"The white horses of the Moon,

They neigh and champ their silver bits;

But their master's been and drowned his wits,

And the Sun'll be rising soon!"

So the cat on his fiddle played hey-diddle-diddle,

A jig that would wake the dead:

He squeaked and sawed and quickened the tune,

While the landlord shook the Man in the Moon:

"It's after three!" he said.

They rolled the Man slowly up the hill

And bundled him into the Moon,

While his horses galloped up in rear,

And the cow came capering like a deer,

And a dish ran up with the spoon.

Now quicker the fiddle went deedle-dum-diddle;

The dog began to roar,

The cow and the horses stood on their heads;

The guests all bounded from their beds

And danced upon the floor.

With a ping and a pong the fiddle-strings broke!

The cow jumped over the Moon,

And the little dog laughed to see such fun,

And the Saturday dish went off at a run

With the silver Sunday spoon.

The round Moon rolled behind the hill

As the Sun raised up her head.

She hardly believed her fiery eyes;

For though it was day, to her surprise

They all went back to bed!"

No Votes for Longcat

Now I know what an Election really is, it is an Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny for mannys.

This is what a Longcat Election would look like:

Compared to this the manny version is very boring. Zzzzz

I has a new chair

Today I has a new chair for going on the internets!

Happy cat!

Guest spot: The Blog of Cthulhu

Hello. I am Mighty Cthulhu. I am a Great Old One, a baddy from the dawn of time. When the stars are right I will destroy the world and nom you all. Until then I stay on the sofa near the Buddha Cushion and am friends with Big Gay Longcat. I spend most of my time sleeping, or 'eternally lying' as I call it, sometimes watching TV with Longcat - I always root for the baddys.

Although I presently find myself in reduced circumstances while the stars are not right, do not make the mistake of thinking that I am cute.

I am not cute, I am Mighty!

Please now lose D100 points of Sanity.

Monkey Magic

Hello, we're monkeys.

We have badges.

We are Monkeys With Badges.

We like Monkey.

Monkey is the best thing ever.

Even better than badges.

King Monkey is good at fighting.

He is the Great Sage, Equal of Heaven.

The only man who may be as good at fighting as Monkey is Mike Loades.